Brave Heart Sweeten Life Systems

We Need Your Help to win Big!

2011-06-18T11:22:00.003-04:00

An organization here called Cincinnati Innovates sponsors an annual contest to spur creativity and entrepreneurial activities. Last year we entered and came up from last to third place in ten days. We are starting earlier this year and believe you can help us win. Here is our plan:

About 21% of all kids from birth to 18 in Ohio have a disability. Few groups support them as a family. We will train volunteers and family members how to come alongside the entire family. We did yearlong research study with parents who said, "No one ever asked how we were doing in our marriage; no one ever asked to pray for us or our child.

You can vote weekly for us at http://cincinnatiinnovates.com/contest/view?sort_by=votes&count=50

Village initiative with Parents

Go there and read all about our ministry and the $90,000.00 in prizes. Look for this title: Village initiative with Parents and vote. If all my friends vote for me we will win in a landslide.

Check the web www.sweetenlife.com for a deeper understanding of our call to minister to these distressed families .

It Takes a Whole Village to Raise a Child

2011-06-13T19:43:00.004-04:00

Our newest ministry is called Village Initiative with Parents (VIP). Some folks think we are setting up retirement homes because we use the term "Village" but that is not the intent. We are using the term Village in the same way Mrs. Hilary Clinton did. It is an African proverb that indicates "It takes a whole village to raise a child."

Our ministry has a laser sharp intent to recruit, train and release members of the community-the village- to support Parents with a child who has a special need. If it takes a whole village to rear a typical child just imagine how many of the village members are needed to help rear a kid with a disability.

The first question I am asked is usually, "What kind of disability?" My answer is always the same: "Any kind". Some of the kids whose parents were in our yearlong research study had severe physical disabilities and others were challenged more in the behavioral areas. It does not make much difference to the rest of the family because "When one member of the family hurts we all hurt." I CO 12.

Hurt comes in many ways and from many directions. It always hurts no matter where it comes from and who it hits. Parents are always hurt when one of their children is hurt. Parents worry a lot. They work a lot and have to spend lots of money when a child is sick. They are bone tired much of the time. They want a need emotional and spiritual support from The Village.

Interestingly, the ways members of The Village can be most helpful are not complicated or difficult. The best helps comes from ordinary people who will be "Friends in Deed". Friends who will listen and cry; listen and laugh: listen and encourage; listen and act.

Go to our web and see what you can do to help.

God Can Change Your Brain

2011-06-12T11:05:00.002-04:00

Go to my other blog Spiritual Healing and Growth for two new posts on this topic.

You will like it.

Evangelism that Draws us to Jesus

2011-05-26T22:34:00.004-04:00

Several posts on Face Book have focused on the Harold Camping mess. As you may know, Mr. Camping, a millionaire who owns several radio stations that promote Christian programming, predicted an exact time and date for the return of Jesus. Well, he was wrong.

To that event I made some comments and had a Christian man post that he was scarred deeply by adults that tried to scare him into conversion with scary eschatology! I agreed with my friend that such behavior was and is wrong headed and deeply disturbing to me.

Some of my faithful friends wrote that the issue is not kindness but truthfulness that counts when we are evangelizing. What say you about evangelizing? Is truth all important even if it scares the people who listen to it? Are unbelievers more likely to come to Christ if they are really frightened or if they are drawn to the love and grace of God?

My early experiences were heavily weighted toward pointing out my sins, my guilt and eternal damnation if Jesus caught me with a spot or two on my pearly white robe when He returned by slipping into earth's atmosphere when we were not looking.

If I was caught by the returning Jesus while listening to Elvis, Little Richard or Jimmy Hendrix it was going to be a very long and hot eternity. If He came by suddenly ripping through the sky on Sunday morning when I was in church singing Amazing Grace i would be just fine.

How about you? Was the love of God offered to you or His ever present wrath?

What drew you to salvation in Jesus?

tell me your stories.

Men Acting Badly

2011-05-22T20:48:00.003-04:00

Two rather rich and famous men were caught recently with their pants literally down and their exploits glaring in the headlines. Why do so many men in power find it necessary to get involved sexually with women other than their wives?

For men in general and famous, power hungry men specifically, the name of the game is not pleasure derived from sexual relationships but the sense of pleasure, ego fulfillment and importance that they get from "Winning" the affections of a woman. In Genesis 3:19 God points out to Adam that as a result of his rebellion, the whole earth would be filled with destructive forces that the write calls, "Thorns and thistles..."

God the Creator goes on to say that from that day forward "Males would eat their food as the result of the sweat of their brow". This implies a life of toil, hard work and difficulty. However, when we read the Hebrew version, another deeper and more nuanced insight emerges. It says, "You will eat as a result of flared nostrils". That places a whole new meaning on the curse for males for the flaring of nostrils indicates a strong emotional drive to compete with intensity, anger and winner take all. Men have for millennia fought over land, materials goods, religion, and WOMEN. In fact, polygamy is not sexual driven but is the result of who has the most power and riches.

I see these most recent male predators as being driven not by the urge of sexual pleasure but a lust for winning another woman. The conquest of a female shows that a man is superior to other men, especially their husbands.

So the Governor of California and the Governor of the IMF join with bin Laden among males who take great pride in using their wives as a cover for lust and violence. In some ways, Islam is more honest about male dominance and female subservient to them. Women are another toy to show for winning the game.

In the USA our laws have always been based on Christianity that protected women from predators. Recently, of course, as a result of the feminist revolution, the laws are being changed and women are often willingly "hooking up" with men and encouraging men to use them as sexual chips in the "games" males play. By giving in so easily to men they are encouraging them to use and abuse other women.

When I was teaching Muslims in Asia I saw the way women are treated in Islam as opposed to what Jesus taught. The women there were stunned by the love, care and respect Jesus showed all women. I am praying that God will take the seeds I planted and cause them to rise up and liberate Muslim females from 1300 years of slavery.

We Christians must speak up forcefully for the equality of women but also for their protection. Single parents are almost always the females left by men who "won the battle for a one night stand" and the woman lost her future.

The churches have always been filled with more women than men. The love and respect Jesus showed women was amazingly different from that which was done in any other culture. The rise of monasteries came about to saved women and children from marauding bands of predatory males. We Christians have not always been Christian to women but Jesus always has been their refuge.

More later on what happened when I worked with the Muslim women in Asia.

Get More out of Life

2011-05-21T09:57:00.001-04:00

The Bible says that when we give we also receive. In fact, it seems to imply that the more we give to others the more we shall get back blessings and peace. They will be in a sack and have been "pressed down, shaken together and poured out into our laps".

I grew up in a farming community and have experienced exactly what the Bible teaches in this metaphor. Jesus was speaking to blue collar and small business people who understood the dynamics of buying and selling grain. If I went to your store to buy grain I would want you to fill my tow sack as completely and fully as possible. If you did not fill it to the brim I would pay much more than the going rate because I would be paying for air as well as grain.

In order to get all the oats that the sack would hold I would shake it vigorously so to press the oats down in a compact manner and force all the air out of the sack. I don't want air I want oats. Any air pocket would look like a packed sack but I would be cheated. It is the same as if the business man was putting his finger on the scale as well as the meat.

By serving and giving we get a full load of blessings. Jesus says the good stuff coming back to us will be "pressed down and shaken together" so we get as much as possible for the little we give to others. The implications are enormous for our peace, joy and happiness. As we serve others according to our gifts and talents, we can enter into what some researchers call, "FLOW". That is a mental and emotional state that seems to fly by as fast as can be.

Flow means that we are so caught up in our actions that we forget about being tired, hungry uncomfortable, or down in the dumps. It is a state of joy. This is why Jesus said serving and giving from our gifts and talents will come back as a blessing. I have been watching a TV show about secret millionaires who go underground to find a non profit that is serving others. In every case the millionaires find great joy in humbly serving the poor, downtrodden and marginalized. As a result, they wanted to give more of their time and money.

Here are some hints about finding these blessings. 1.Better understand your strengths, gifts, talents and call by trying out various volunteer opportunities. When we liberate our strengths in service to others we have the greatest joy. 2. Make sure the serving costs you something. Time, energy, money, status, and convenience. 3. Do your service in the Name of the Lord. Give glory to God for all you have and all you do. 4. Reflect on your experience afterward with some friends and family members who know how to listen. journal about your experience. What was the best parts? The worst parts? 5. Ask God what He thinks about your experience.

On May 27 we are hosting the parents of kids with a disability. You are welcome to come and serve them and learn about our ministry. If you are interested write me at gary@sweetenlife.com. You can also go to Sweeten Life web and find out more about us.

Pay for Professionals- A Shame

2011-05-19T20:42:00.002-04:00

When I founded Life Way Counseling Centers in 1989, the hourly pay for a Professional Counselor with a Doctorate and a Clinical License was right at $100.00. Since then the rate has dropped almost in half.

At the same time insurance agencies, managed care and the government have increased our paper work and bureaucracy by double. Before long we will have to pay them to work. No wonder so many veteran Psychologists, Psychiatrists and Counselors are retiring.

Additionally, there are fewer in-patient units where the severely distressed can go to heal and yet it seems that the numbers of people experiencing extreme psychological stress are rising. A strong mental, emotional, relational and spiritual life is foundational to healthy families, governance and economics. All that is threatened by the lack of quality people in mental health fields.

This story explains what is happening.

Survey Finds Behavioral Health Professionals Earn Less Than Fast Food Workers

Washington DC (April 11, 2011)—A licensed social worker with a master’s degree earns less than a manager of a fast food restaurant, according to the 2011 Behavioral Health Salary Survey just released by the National Council for Community Behavioral Healthcare (National Council). The survey finds that the nation’s mental health and addictions treatment professionals are paid far less than their counterparts in other healthcare sectors.

“Just as people with mental illnesses and substance-use disorders are routinely stigmatized, it appears those working in the behavioral health sector are also treated differently—even within the healthcare community,” says Linda Rosenberg, National Council president and CEO.

The survey of more than 850 mental health and addictions treatment organizations finds:

A direct care worker in a 24-hour residential treatment center earns a lower median salary ($23,000 a year) than an assistant manager at Burger King ($25,589).
The annual salary range for a chief medical officer at a behavioral health organization is $101,000–$150,000, compared to the national average of $183,947–$292,395 for the same position in any other type of healthcare organization.

A social worker with a master’s degree in a mental health-addictions treatment organization earns less ($45,344) than a social worker in a general healthcare agency ($50,470).
A registered nurse working in a behavioral health organization earns $52,987 compared to the national average for nurses of $66,530.

“The survey underscores the need to end the second class status of employees working in mental health and addictions organizations,” says Rosenberg, who cites the recent economic crisis and state budget cuts for contributing to the problem.

“Until we achieve equity with the rest of the public healthcare safety net, we will continue to struggle to recruit and retain the number and caliber of professionals needed for more efficient and effective mental health and addictions services.”

The survey, conducted in partnership with the National Association of Addiction Treatment Professionals, includes salary data for executives, administrators, clinicians, direct care and support staff in public and private behavioral healthcare organizations. Completed in November 2010, survey findings are based on salaries reported by 860 respondents from 46 states, Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia. Annual salary data are based on the time period between July 1, 2009 and June 30, 2010.

The full report is available for purchase at www.TheNationalCouncil.org.

Spiritual Growth

2011-05-10T12:29:00.000-04:00

I posted some thoughts about growth and healing on my other blog.

Go take a look.

More About Bin Laden's Death

2011-05-08T14:15:00.004-04:00

The Cross at Ground Zero

The issue of Bin Laden's death has caused me to think a bit about how Christians need to respond to institutional evil, wars and acting as citizens. On the one hand we hear folks quoting Jesus when He says, "Love your enemies".

On the other hand we hear folks talk about God being Just and demanding justice. Others talk about revenge and that sets Believers' hair on fire because God said, "I shall repay" and that means a nation should never avenge the attacks of evil men.

Both are correct, of course, and when I hear folks say these things I may feel badly because I have not loved Bin Laden like Jesus does; I fear that Bin Laden did not get full justice by a court of law and I want revenge even if God says that is not my job. Oh my! What can I do?

First, a nation must not try to act like an individual Christian or a church. Second, a nation is not always seeking justice or a desire to take every evil combatant to court. However, a nation must protect itself and its citizens.

So, I have conclude that the goal of the USA when dealing with mass murders and bombers is not justice, grace or mercy but SURVIVAL. Bin Laden and his tribe are callous murderers. They were and are a constant threat to our citizens and our national welfare. In order to survive we must take actions that are not merciful, just or vengeful but self protective.

I believe it was in the best interest of the USA in particular and the world in general for him to die. I think the group that will most benefit are Muslims in the Middle East. In that way killing him was merciful toward innocent people that are not Christians and are not citizens of the USA.

One of my readers wrote in response to my last post on this topic and quoted Mark Twain who said something like the following.

I do not celebrate over any man's death but I read obituaries with a lot of satisfaction.

The Bin Laden flap has reminded me of the importance of evangelism and missions. Thanks be to God for His marvelous grace. Evangelism is all about mercy and grace. It is not about justice or getting revenge.

The most merciful, compassionate and gracious thing we can do is lead people to Christ. Maybe, by killing Bin Laden, we are giving an opportunity for thousands of Muslims to come to faith in Christ. Killing him has saved them from the hands of a murder who has killed more Muslim than any Christian or pagan.

God reached out to me and saved me when I was in sin. During all the years I have known Jesus He has loved me with a transforming relationship that has brought me from death. He has given me a life of compassion that does not arise from my nature but His nature.

Praise the Lord!

Can Business Catch up with Christians?

2011-05-06T23:17:00.004-04:00

Many of us are pretty hard on the American churches. We don't see as much compassion, understanding, mercy or grace as we think the Bible call us to show. We are certainly pretty upset with the lack of skills most churches teach their people when the last think Jesus said before rising into heaven was, "Go teach people to DO everything that I did".

But, I am feeling better because many companies large and small are doing even worse than the church. It is probably a fleshly thing to do, be prideful, but, so what. It may be good to pat ourselves on the back occasionally when we are really outdoing the secularists who run America.

An article in the Wall Street Journal suggests that companies are by and large just catching on to the fact that they must train their people to get along. Sure, many companies have talked a lot about customer service and places like Nordstrom's has been given awards because they take clothes back from disgruntled customers, but all in all the workplace resembles The Office on TV rather than following Jesus.

I have trained several thousands of Pastors, Lay Leaders and The Laity all about how to get along better at home and work. Listening without rudely interrupting another person is, for example, widely accepted and the most crucial skill one can learn and develop in management, sales, leadership and customer service. Yet, listening is rarely if ever taught in any college or business school. Even many Counseling Programs fail to teach their students how to listen.

In 1975 I did a Doctoral Dissertation on the Core Skills of Healthy Relationships. Since then we have trained numerous people how to listen and I have written several books on interpersonal skills.

Do you want to be a better husband?
Do you want to be a better wife?
Do you want to be a better parent?
Do you want to be a better child?
Do you want to be a better manager?
Do you want to be a better Sales person?
Do you want to be a better leader?
Do you want to be a better Pastor?
Do you want to be a better _________?

Learn to Listen

My Visit to Ground Zero

2011-05-04T21:24:00.007-04:00

This is the tenth year of the attack by the Usama Bin Laden trained team on the United States of America. I have not been personally to the memorials at the Pentagon or in Pennsylvania. However, I have been to Ground Zero where the most successful attacks took place and killed so man people.

Shortly after the attacks, we at Life Way Counseling Centers were contacted by The Salvation Army about spending a week at Ground Zero ministering and counseling with the First Responders. The cops, fire fighters, emergency workers, steel workers, etc had been working day and night to find and recover the casualties of the attack. Now many of them were "Hitting the wall" and needed some Pastoral Care and Counseling.

Life Way had worked with the Army for many yeas and they knew we combined good counseling with solid Christian values. When the national office asked about who could minister to the body, soul and mind our name came up. So, four of us boarded a Delta flight to Newark that they had donated to this mission. (Thanks Delta!)

We split our four person team into two with twos serving from 1:00 PM until 1:00 Am and the other from 1:00 AM until 1:00 PM. My twosome spend the night at Ground Zero sitting with the Cops and Fire Fighters and listening to their pain at every possible opportunity. It was one of the most nerve wracking experiences of my life yet I had a wonderfully fulfilling spiritual and emotional experience.

More later.

Killing Usama and Christian Feelings

2011-05-04T21:01:00.004-04:00

I graduated from high school in 1956. That is 55 years ago. Interestingly, I stay in touch with many of my classmates from Mt. Vernon, Illinois through an email forum called, "The Mousenet".

After Usama was killed by our Navy Seals at the order of our President, I had a mixture of feelings and thoughts. Some of my old friends also had a mixture of reactions. One of them wrote the following.

Yo

It appears that yours truly is, as usual, out of the mainstream of public thinking. I am not dancing in the streets over the death of Bin Laden. I get no joy out of the death, albeit possibly warranted, of another human being. Are those opposed to the death penalty dancing? Did we not execute an alleged criminal without a trial?
Jimmy D.

I responded by writing this:

Dear Jimmy D.

I am also mixed in my feelings and thoughts. War has so many casualties for so many generations. I understand the desire for justice/vengeance. I have similar feelings but perhaps forty years of counseling ministry have sanded down my angry rough edges. And, God said “Vengeance is mine; I shall repay.” so, I am left with a strange mixture of contrary feelings.

I watched the movie Doctor Zhivago again last week. It brings back so many memories of my teaching and Counseling in Russia. For over 20 years I have ministered in the former USSR.

Unfortunately, during all that time of listening to individuals and families I have never met a man or woman who has not lost a relative to Stalin, the Nazis, the /secret police or all of the above. The unresolved grief, pain, anger and addictions of these well educated, faith filled people is overwhelming. All of it going back to the times of Doctor Zhivago and the Revolution.

The Red revolutionaries were filled with idealism, good intentions and a desire to help the poor. Unfortunately, their hearts and minds were filled with an inhuman brutality that surpassed even that of Hitler. The most loyal and most dedicated were the first to die or go to the camps because Stalin could not stand having any possible competitors.

In the movie, the Communist husband of Julie Christie hated Zhivago because he wrote poetry and showed evidence of human compassion, love and kindness. He said that all those human feelings must die in order to have a new order. I have seen firsthand what happened to the 200 million Russians who have suffered from a lack of human kindness, compassion and concern.

Alcoholism rates for males are at least 75% and domestic violence rates are as high or higher. It will take generations of care, healing and treatment to bring any semblance of humanity and health to those people impacted by Socialism that insisted on “fairness”.

As I consider what happens in war I wonder about the people in Muslim countries where England, Russia and the USA have been bombing and killing for generations? Is there a better way? I do not know. Maybe war is necessary but it has long term medical, psychological and spiritual costs.

I have dedicated my adult life to “healing the broken hearted and setting the captives free” (IS 61). I have founded two large counseling centers in Cincinnati and established healing centers in 75 countries. Unfortunately, we have expanded our healing ministries greatly since I founded The Teleios Center in 1979 but the results of shock, trauma and abuse as well as wars and natural tragedies keep raising the level people with broken hearts.

It only takes one guy like Mugabe in Zimbabwe or Saddam in Iraq to damage thousands of families for generations. However,it takes years to heal those broken hearts and care for their scattered souls.

One final thought. Pope John Paul is receiving great honor by His Church and by all people of good will. What a hero he was to millions in bondage behind the Iron Curtain. He was a genius and a great man. After reading his articles I realized that I had a philosophy quite similar to his and thank him for his wisdom because he wrote so brilliantly and insight-fully about care and cure of souls. He was a Catholic, of course, and I am not. Yet he and I were on the same page on many things.

It is rarely known outside Poland and Europe that as a Priest and Cardinal he recruited young American Missionaries from Campus Crusade for Christ to train local evangelists to win them to Christ and change the balance of power in Poland. Campus Crusade gave him all their materials and taught the Catholics how to share and care for hurting people. They raised up an army of peace makers, many of whom followed him and brought change to Europe. My Campus Crusade friends told me how they worked together to plant the seeds of love, power and peace to bring down the Communists.

Blessed are the peacemakers…!

Gary (Gabe) Sweeten

Black Kids with Special Needs in Ohio

2011-04-27T14:16:00.002-04:00

An estimated 570,913 Ohioan children (20.9%) under the age of 18 had at least one special health care need in 2008 (71.7% of children did not have a special health care need and the status for 7.5% is unknown).

Black children are disproportionately represented as having a special health care need with 16.2% “screening in” compared to non-CSHCN where Black children represent 13.6% of this population.

Again, we see that minority children are particularly high number of kids with a special need. As a compassionate Christian I want to do everything possible to support the parents of these children.

So Many People Believe in the Resurrection!

2011-04-24T23:22:00.003-04:00

Rasmussen Reports

Friday, April 22, 2011

Today is the day Christians remember the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, who 78% of all Americans believe to be the son of God who came to Earth to die for our sins.

A new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey of American Adults shows that only 13% of Adults do not share that belief.

Seventy-four percent (74%) believe Christ was resurrected from the dead, while 14% disagree. Another 11% are not sure.

Eighty-three percent (83%) also believe that the person known to history as Jesus Christ did actually walk the Earth roughly 2,000 years ago. Eight percent (8%) do not believe this to be true.

All of these findings are generally in line with surveys stretching back to Easter 2006.

Women tend to believe more strongly than men in all cases.

As in past years, Evangelical Christians believe more strongly in the divinity and resurrection of Christ than other Christians do. Among Evangelicals, 100% believe Christ was the son of God, and 98% believe he was resurrected from the dead.

Eighty-six percent (86%) of other Protestants and 87% of Catholics believe Jesus is the son of God who came to Earth to die for our sins. Eighty-four percent (84%) of Catholics believe Jesus rose from the dead, as do 82% of non-Evangelical Protestant adults.

Those who attend religious services more regularly feel stronger about the divinity of Christ and His resurrection than those who attend less often.

Last December, 70% of Americans who celebrate Christmas said they recognize it as a religious holiday celebrating the birth of Christ rather than a secular one.

Please sign up for the Rasmussen Reports daily e-mail update (it's free). let us keep you up to date with the latest public opinion news.

The Astounding Faith in Christ of Seattle Schools

2011-04-23T08:38:00.003-04:00

The administrators of the Seattle school must have incredible faith in the resurrected Christ. Read what they decided then read my post script. (Gary Sweeten)

Writer Matt Gurney at the National Post, April 15, commenting on the Seattle school that required Easter eggs to be called "Spring spheres":

The argument against calling them Easter eggs, of course, is that that might lead kids to ask what Easter is, which could lead—gasp!—to having to reference the Christian belief in the resurrection of Jesus Christ after the crucifixion. . . .

It's reasonable to keep religious preaching out of schools. It's silly to try and pretend that Christianity doesn't exist in the hope of not offending someone who's not content to simply raise their children in a non-Christian faith (or no faith at all), but must actually try and pretend that there is no faith. . . .

We're not doing kids any favors by bringing them up abjectly ignorant of religion. Sooner or later, they're going to have to come to the shocking realization that some people out there still believe in God, and celebrate events relating to that faith. One suspects that the world will not be forever ruined for these kids when they discover this harsh truth.

What's even worse than the reflexive political correctness demonstrated by this desire to wash the Easter out of the springtime is that the symbol being targeted—Easter eggs—is itself already absurdly removed from the original meaning of Easter still marked by the devout Christians. There is simply no way that a child, presented with a chocolatey oval, would possibly conclude that only those who seek forgiveness for their sins through Christ's love may attain salvation. This is an attempt to water down an already watery offering.

For this crime of extreme political correctness, let us all hope the school officials responsible receive a lump of carbon-based fuel in the cloth tube-sack they hang next to their December Light-Festooned Interior Coniferous Vegetation this Winter Holiday.

Postscript: Just imagine how much faith it takes to believe that by only using g the term "Easter egg" children and their parents might be overc9ome with the power of the Holy Spirit and fall to their knees and worship the risen Jesus. That requires an enormous amount of faith in God. Much more faith than almost any Christian preacher I know.

Miracles in Moscow Prove the Resurrection

2011-04-23T07:18:00.003-04:00

Back in 2008 I was in Moscow and wrote a blog entry from a coffee house and internet cafe. The story I told about Christ the King Cathedral is a great testimony to the resurrection power of the Holy Spirit in the world today.

The Russian people suffered untold horrors under Socialists. Despite their loving rhetoric the political system was filled with hatred of anyone with whom they disagreed and they particularly hated Christians and the Orthodox Church.

God, however, never forgot His children or His church and showed Himself strong to shame the haters with love and grace. The miraculous rebuilding of the Cathedral is but one of many times God's interventions have proved He is Lord of all.

Pray for the Christians who are continuing to carry out God's plan and purpose in the former USSR. The individuals and families who were crushed in body and spirit are slowly recovering from 70 years of demonic locusts. They need our constant prayers.

How To Get Rich Quick

2011-04-22T00:35:00.002-04:00

A great meditation for Easter.

By Eddie Ogan

I'll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister Ocy was 12,and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with our mother, and the four of us knew what it was to do without many things. My dad had died five years before, leaving Mom with seven school kids to raise and no money.

By 1946 my older sisters were married and my brothers had left home. A month before Easter the pastor of our church announced that a special Easter offering would be taken to help a poor family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially.

When we got home, we talked about what we could do. We decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes and live on them for a month. This would allow us to save $20 of our grocery money for the offering. When we thought that if we kept our electric lights turned out as much as possible and didn't listen to the radio, we'd save money on that month's electric bill. Darlene got as many house and yard cleaning jobs as possible, and both of us babysat for everyone we could. For 15 cents we could buy enough cotton loops to make three pot holders to sell for $1.

We made $20 on pot holders. That month was one of the best of our lives.

Every day we counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we'd sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had about 80 people in church, so figured that whatever amount of money we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times that much. After all, every Sunday the pastor had reminded everyone to save for the sacrificial offering.

The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store and got the manager to give us three crisp $20 bills and one $10 bill for all our change.

We ran all the way home to show Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before.

That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn't care that we wouldn't have new clothes for Easter; we had $70 for the sacrificial offering.

We could hardly wait to get to church! On Sunday morning, rain was pouring. We didn't own an umbrella, and the church was over a mile from our home, but it didn't seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in her shoes to fill the holes. The cardboard came apart, and her feet got wet.

But we sat in church proudly. I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, and I felt rich.

When the sacrificial offering was taken, we were sitting on the second row from the front. Mom put in the $10 bill, and each of us kids put in a $20.

As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we had boiled Easter eggs with our fried potatoes! Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went to the door, talked with him for a moment, and then came back with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she didn't say a word. She opened the envelope and out fell a bunch of money. There were three crisp $20 bills, one $10 and seventeen $1 bills.

Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn't talk, just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like millionaires to feeling like poor white trash. We kids had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who didn't have our Mom and Dad for parents and a house full of brothers and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun to share silverware and see whether we got the spoon or the fork that night.

We had two knifes that we passed around to whoever needed them. I knew we didn't have a lot of things that other people had, but I'd never thought we were poor.

That Easter day I found out we were. The minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we must be poor. I didn't like being poor. I looked at my dress and worn-out shoes and felt so ashamed--I didn't even want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew we were poor!

I thought about school. I was in the ninth grade and at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids at school knew that we were poor. I decided that I could quit school since I had finished the eighth grade. That was all the law required at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. Then it got dark, and we went to bed. All that week, we girls went to school and came home, and no one talked much. Finally on Saturday, Mom asked us what we wanted to do with the money. What did poor people do with money? We didn't know. We'd never known we were poor. We didn't want to go to church on Sunday, but Mom said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn't talk on the way.

Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse. At church we had a missionary speaker. He talked about how churches in Africa made buildings out of sun dried bricks, but they needed money to buy roofs. He said $100 would put a roof on a church. The minister said, "Can't we all sacrifice to help these poor people?" We looked at each other and smiled for the first time in a week.

Mom reached into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene. Darlene gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy. Ocy put it in the offering.

When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn't expected such a large offering from our small church. He said, "You must have some rich people in this church."

Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87 of that "little over $100."

We were the rich family in the church! Hadn't the missionary said so? From that day on I've never been poor again. I've always remembered how rich I am because I have Jesus!

[forwarded by Willard Caddell, who was a very rich man]

David T. Smith, Ph.D.
Child Clinical Psychologist
Senior Director of Psychology
LifeWay Counseling Centers
513-769-4600

It is more blessed to give than receive. Jesus

Prayer for Nigerian Christians

2011-04-21T11:13:00.000-04:00

Chuck Emerson's colleague Dan Steere received an emergency text message this evening from Gideon Umukoro, ELI's coordinator in Nigeria. He is asking for prayer for Christians in that country, as well as for himself and his wife, Excel. Excel is employed by the government and is stationed in the northern part of Nigeria in a majority Muslim area. Below is the text message. Please pray!

"Hi papa dan,

pls call the brethren to pray for us here up north,the moslem have plan to carry out great slauther and destruction of property on the christians this easter celebration, they have already started in a nearby city near the town where excel and i are staying.

we are traped we cant travel to the south bcs the roads are blocked, i traveled to spend the easter with her.

pls pray for adequate security to be supplied."

Are Parents Important?

2011-04-21T10:00:00.003-04:00

Not if you believe the policies of many insurance companies and government agencies. If you have a child with severe problem, the parents are often ignored by the policies and procedures of the organizations that are presumably assigned with paying for their treatment. This includes Medicare, Medicaid and most private insurance agencies.

Let's say you have a child of four that has been diagnosed with a severe behavioral issue such as Autism. (It is now known as the Autism Spectrum or AS.) If you seek out treatment for your child, you may find that the persons doing the assessment or treatment will rarely if ever ask for your insights, ideas or suggestions. Nor will they include you in the treatment meetings.

That is insane but it follows a traditional Medical Model that sees the problem as lying completely within the body of the Identified Patient (IP). Despite the fact that the parents are with the child many hours each day and know his/her behavior quite well, they will rarely be asked for input on the treatment.

The Medical Model is based on the notion that the Doctor or Occupational Therapist, Counselor or Nurse is treating the disease and only the person with the disease is to be included in the treatment. That means that the parents, siblings, grand parents or peer supporters are ignored and no one can be paid for including them in the process.

In our research with families with a child who has a disability we heard over and over again how no one ever asked for their input, opinion or wisdom. This included their hospital, school and church. (Let me add that this is not the case at the Life Way Counseling Centers where we always include the parents when possible.)

Why are parents ignored when both common sense and forty years of research shows how important the are to the successful outcomes? It is a simple answer. Follow the money! Insurance companies and government agencies have rules that forbid it. Rules in Medicare and Medicaid are often senseless, cumbersome and anti healing. yet, whatever the Federal Government requires all insurance companies will follow.

We at Sweeten Life Systems are fully committed to including parents, relatives and friends in the caring process whenever possible and reasonable. We have just launched a program to do that called, The Village Initiative w Parents or VIP. It could stand for Very Important Parents or Very Important People. This initiative values parents and relative and friends as critically important to the health and welfare of persons with a disability.

No one. I repeat NO ONE is more important to the care and health of a sick person than their family. If the family is dysfunctional the child will not get his or her needs met.

I have a Masters and Doctoral Degrees in Counseling. I have forty years of experience but No medical or psychological expert knows more about how to care for a child than the parents. Together we can be a great care and healing team.

If we leave the parents out of the diagnosis and treatment of children costs will rise and outcomes be reduced in effectiveness.

PS. If you are interested in taking part in the VIP process, contact me at gary@sweetenlife.com and go to Sweeten Life web for more information.

Care for Kids

2011-04-20T09:44:00.001-04:00

I must admit up front that I do not see the government as a great provider of services for those who are disabled. Government agencies are, as a rule, inefficient, slow, bureaucratic and greedy. I founded a Clinical Counseling agency called, Life Way Counseling Centers in 1989. We started as an in patient unit for adults and later set up a similar unit for adolescents. After operating the in patient units for some seven and a half years we closed them and continued to operate the out patient clinics.

Dealing with insurance companies is difficult. They can also be callous, inefficient and greedy. In fact, every organization is greedy to maximize its own financial health and welfare no matter what their mission. However, insurance agencies cannot be compared with government agencies in terms of bureaucratic behavior. Not that the people in government agencies themselves are uncaring but governmental agencies are bureaucratic.

I like the Wall Street Journal a lot. I especially enjoy a daily column called, The Best of the Web. The author, James Taranto, recently included a couple of letters from parents of children with disabilities. They spoke to the issue of government provided care for their children.

Taranto writes: "Friday's email from reader Gordon Calkins, who discussed his frustration with the government bureaucracy he has to endure in exchange for a little taxpayer money to help care for his autistic son, brought more stories from readers with similar experiences. Here is Nikki Stuart:"

Our eldest daughter, now 26, is legally blind and developmentally disabled. She gets Supplementary Security Income, Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security disability.

The SSI and disability come up to about $620 a month. Medicare and Medicaid are a good thing, since she has no other income and is uninsurable anyway.

We homeschooled her K-12 (along with her four siblings), which I figure saved the state somewhere around $900,000, so the government is way ahead in terms of outlay.

Anyway, I agree with the writer with the autistic son. Our daughter would be much better off if the government would get its (left) foot off our necks, leave us alone, and free us up to make and keep some money to take care of her ourselves. The litany of the complexities of starting a small business and scratching up a couple bucks is surely too well-known to you to require a recitation here.

And this is from Bob Ellison:

I have a son with Down syndrome. He receives amazingly generous support via Medicaid from Pennsylvania: physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech training. All four of my sons are covered by my own health insurance, and I have to pay occasional copayment fees and other things for all but one: the one with Down syndrome. My insurance plan never pays a dime on him; Pennsylvania pays.

Twice I have investigated hiring therapists on my own nickel for my son: once for continuity, because he had an excellent therapist, and it takes time to to develop a useful relationship between therapist and subject; and once for extra support, because we wanted more help than Medicaid, generous though it was, could provide. I am wealthy and ready to pay for these things, but that does not help, because my son's therapists work for companies that contract exclusively with the state, and I cannot find alternatives, because the laws and regulations that govern such services make those industries beholden to government-paid systems. The government has created a monopoly; there are almost no workers outside the system.

In a nutshell, then:

1. I am wealthy, but I receive welfare.

2. My one son gets free health care from the state; I have to pay for the other three sons.

3. The government has frozen out other options.

Everything about this is wrong: I do not need and should not receive welfare, but I have no choice but to take it, because the workers cannot take my own money. My son with Down syndrome should not be treated as more worthy than my other three sons. And businesses should be free to provide goods and services as they see fit.
Is it fair for the Federal Government to force parents to accept only treatment provided by their therapists? Is it fiscally wise for the Federal Government to pay for the treatment of children with rich parents?

Middle Class Parents need financial support. Wealthy parents do not. More than finances, however, all parents need to be able to CHOOSE the best treatment for their children. No one knows these children and their needs as well as the parents. Why does the government forbid parents from getting additional treatment from good therapists?

More money is not the answer to every problem. We need parent informed answers not just more legislation and more bureaucracy.

What do you think is best for the children and families? Am I on track? Am I off base? Let me know your experience?

What will lower costs, increase flexibility and improve care? These are very important issues that impact some 20% of our children and their parents but 100% of all tax payers. (By the way, 45% of Americans pay NO Federal Income Taxes. Do you pay Federal Income Taxes?)

Reduce Taxes

2011-04-19T12:15:00.003-04:00

Over the past few weeks my posts have been relating how expensive it is to care for people with chronic illnesses. This includes children and youth who have been diagnosed with a chronic disorder like the Autism Spectrum, ADHD, Developmental Delays, Multiple Sclerosis, etc.

I noted that 21% of the children in Ohio ages birth to 18 have some sort of diagnosis. Just think of it. One in every five of your neighbors, friends, fellow church members and colleagues have a child with a serious medical, emotional, mental or physical challenge.

The government at every level spends billions of dollars to provide services and support systems for these children. Every school must hire special teachers, buy special buses and build special buildings for these precious children.

Thankfully, we live in the richest nation in the history of the world. Not even Solomon in all his glory lived like us. We are caring for these folks as children and as adults when they grow up. We have a wonderful record of showing compassion to people in need. Unfortunately, we are running out of money.

Taxes are high already. How can we offer great care at lower costs? That is a question I have addressed for several decades. What do you think we can do?

Lower the Costs of Caring

2011-04-17T21:43:00.004-04:00

An election is brewing in the United States and that means that we will hear a lot of crazy ideas and vicious attacks being made by politicians. Why will they talk like that? They want to fool all of us into thinking they will give us everything we want and their opponents are going to take all our goodies away from us.

IMO, one of the greatest causes of the huge rise in costs of caring has been the professionalizing of care for family members with a chronic need. This has come about because of several factors.

1. Historically, only one member of a couple worked outside the home. This allowed the one that did not work outside the home care for elderly adults and kids with a special need. The fact that in today's families almost everyone works outside the home has dramatically altered the ability of a family to provide all the care dependent relatives need.

2. People are living longer and their condition often demands more professional care.

3. Kids with severe birth defects are more likely to survive today than in the past and those who live require more professional services.

4. Various governmental acts have provided guidelines that require more intensive and extensive care. We must respond appropriately and completely to these regulations.

5. Some professionals and their professional organizations have campaigned hard to spread the false notion that Peer Helpers are inept or dangerous to the health and welfare of people who need special care.

The only one of these points that we can impact is the last. research clearly shows that Peer support and Peer Care can be as effective as most Professionals. We need to get the facts out to the public and to the government agencies that make important decisions about how to best care for people with chronic needs.

Medical Costs for Kids

2011-04-08T06:25:00.004-04:00

By this time I assume that most people know that Ohio is overextended financially. This fact has brought about the election of John Kasich as Governor and other Conservatives to the state congress. Can they solve the state's budget problems?

There has been a lot of discussion, conflict and debate over how to reduce the state budget and how to reduce taxes. The biggest costs are very hard to reduce. We need creative, innovative thinking to save big money.

One of the biggest problems facing Ohio and the entire USA is health costs especially Medicaid. Take a look at the high cost of caring for Ohio children with a serious medical condition.

Based on analysis of the 2008 Ohio Family Health Survey (OFHS) an estimated 570,000 children have special health care needs, representing 20.9% of all children aged 0-17 in Ohio.

Based on a national sample of children aged 0-17 years from the 2000 Medical Expenditure Panel Survey (MEPS) CSHCN accounted for 42.1% of the total health care expenditures in this age category (not including dental costs).

So, approximately 21% of children and youth suffer from a serious medical problem and they account for over twice that percentage of medical costs.

You can bet your band aid that the state is going to look for ways to reduce its portion of that cost. The usual way of cutting costs is to make medical care harder to access and to pay Doctors less. That is not a good solution.

Be Creative

If I were in office I would be asking all citizens to help me figure out ways we can give great care for sick children while eliminating waste and inefficiency.

This is where you and I come into the picture. Our research is unique because we actually went into the homes of the families with chronically disabled children and asked them what they needed to help them as an entire family. I am convinced that if we can enlist the parents, grand parents, friends and neighbors into thinking and acting on this problem we will discover many great ways to improve the quality of life of the children and lower costs.

What ideas do you have? As we continue our discussion about these issues I will make some suggestions and see what you all come up with. This approach is called, "Crowd Sourcing" and is being used by P&G as well as several other creative companies. By seeking the knowledge and wisdom of all citizens we can arrive at solutions that are creative and out of the box.

If we do nothing to change the current medical system, costs will continue to rise and overwhelm the state, the nation and the families with children. Join with Sweeten Life Systems and give us your innovative ideas.

We are launching a new ministry focus to facilitate innovative thinking about ways we can support the The Village Initiative with Parents. It takes a whole village to raise a child and it takes a whole village to bring new, less costly ways to care for sick kids.

The VIP Program will stir the pot along with concerned Parents to come up with out of the box solutions. Our approach is not to do everything FOR the parents and families but to encourage them to take the Initiative to discover better ways for themselves.

We hope that all concerned people will join us and the parents to be entrepreneurs in this area. Write your ideas in the comments section or send me an email at gary@sweeten life.com

Compassion or Completely Ignore

2011-04-06T17:54:00.004-04:00

Now that you have seen the raw numbers, I have a question: "what can we do about having so many neighbors facing a lifetime of medical. emotional, relational and spiritual barriers? Is there anything we can do to show compassion?

What would it take to really make a difference in the lives of these families? Do we need to have special training? Will I have to return to college and get another degree? If we get involved is there a danger the child could get sick or even die when I am caring for him or her? Do we have to sign a confidentiality statement or be in violation of the HIPPA Laws?

Well, it is easy to answer some of these questions. For example. HIPPA does not apply to caring for a person. Some of you do not even know what HIPPA is, but I have gotten this question several times already and I need to calm people's fears.

Second, our focus is on supporting the parents. Here is what we know about the challenges of rearing children. Parenting is not for cowards. It is stressful, wearying and full of overwhelming challenges that call for wisdom and experience. Oh, an by the way, it can be expensive. For parents and siblings and extended family members of children with a serious medical problem, the stresses, costs and demands seven days each week 24 hours per day are much higher.

Think and pray about what you as a young parent would need from friends, neighbors and caring Christians. Go through your own days with a small child or two and think what it costs you to always be on call. I will share later with you specifically what the parents in our yearlong study told us they needed, but I want you to think it over on your own.

One story comes to mind from a young mother with a son who was finding self discipline a hard thing to master. She went to a festival alone with two children and the eldest started taking his clothes off. As he ran before his mom she was carrying her baby and trying to catch the speeding kid who was rapidly moving ahead and re-moving his clothes.

Mom had such amazing resiliency. Despite originally feeling embarrassed, she decided that day to stop trying to become a super mom and be a regular mom with two hyper energetic sons. No more Wonder Woman, just be herself and enjoy those kids as much as possible.

Blessings and go to our web page and read some of it. You may also want to watch one or two of our videos. They are produced especially for parents and care givers but the principles will apply to anyone who is alive and kicking through life.

We will train folks with our Special Life Skills so they can tend to the parents, listen to them and help with practical things. We have a simple plan to positively support the families in need and help them achieve a place of joy, resilience and family love.

Thanks for reading...I would love to hear your feedback and questions. I am awfully bored just writing to myself.

By the way, we are putting up our display at the Xavier University sponsored Symposium Friday called Remarkable Parents. It will honor parents of children with a special need who have shown love, caring, innovation and resiliency.

Gary Sweeten

Kids with a Diagnosis

2011-04-04T23:50:00.005-04:00

All the children and youth mentioned my recent posts have a diagnosis. Many were undiagnosed until they went to school and the teachers saw something wrong and asked a School Psychologist or another person to do a thorough interview and testing and the professional came up with what we call "A Differential Diagnosis".

May I add, such a diagnosis is not easy to do. It takes a well trained person who knows how to interview and knows all the possible categories into which a child might fall. This diagnosis is not fool proof or infallible. Unlike some diseases, many of the childhood areas of issues are not diagnosed with an X Ray, Blood Test or Biopsy. That means that there can be disagreements about the accuracy of what ails a child.

But skilled therapists can usually get pretty close and hopefully come up with a course of counseling and treatment that will assist the child and his parents. That means that the interviewer actually interviews the parents of the child and gets their input. As we found in our research, parents are rarely consulted by Doctors, Psychologists, Occupational Therapists, or Ministers. That is a shame and a real problem that Sweeten Life Systems will soon tackle in a very big way. (We are launching a new brand called, The Village Initiative with Parents or VIP to focus on Parents and other people who love children with a medical diagnosis.

Just consider this: If there are over 570,000 children and youth from birth to age 18 in our state, there must be two parents for each child, four grandparents and several siblings. Although the 570,000 kids represents a huge number of people to treat directly, double that number for parents, double it for the siblings and quadruple it for the grandparents. Wow, that is a lot of folks who are personally affected by the children in their family who have a serious medical problem.

Just count all the persons affected because there are so many children in Ohio who have to deal with a serious disability. Look at the following numbers:

Children + 570,000 + Two Parents 1,001,400.00 + Four Grand Parents 2,280,000 + Two siblings 2,280.000

This is a grand total of 6,270,000.00 people affected by all the children diagnosed with a medical issue in Ohio. That is roughly 50% of all the people who live here.

Does anyone care how the parents, grand parents and grandparents and siblings feel? Does anyone ever ask them or support them or care for them? Has anyone ever developed any Special Life Skills to improve their lives?

Would it make a difference is churches and community groups actually asked the extended family members what they needed?

We can tell you because we asked them who was helping them.

Kids With a Disability in Ohio

2011-04-02T23:34:00.004-04:00

I offered you all some bait last time but nobody bit on it. I hope some of you read it and pondered the question. It is an important issue. Not just disability but knowing our neighbors who have a disability, especially children, and caring about them.

there has been a lot of information put out by various governmental and volunteer organizations about the numbers of seniors who require a care taker. However, the number of children and youth that need intensive care is not that well known. So, here goes again.

I mentioned these data today to some friends who are well educated. One is a Physician and two are nurses. I asked them to guess the percentage of kids from birth to 18 with a serious disability and all of them asked, "What kind of disability?"

That is a reasonable question. If we are speaking of mental disabilities then we would suppose a rather small percentage of the population. However, even after i said, "All kinds of mental, emotional and physical disabilities" they started to guess a pretty high percentage. However, not one of them guessed anywhere near the real number.

Nor did I come close when I was first queried about it. The number of kids ages birth to 18 in Ohio with a serious health need is 570,000! That is a lot of children and young people. How many of these young people do you know? How many of their parents do you know? Do you ever ask how the child is doing? Do you ever ask them how you could help?

Sweeten Life Systems is launching a new ministry to the parents, grand parents and care takers of these children and youth. We are going to call it The VIP Project for Village Initiative with Parents .Check out out web at www.sweetenlife.com to learn more.

Kids in Trouble

2011-03-30T16:04:00.004-04:00

Howdy neighbor how ya doing?

This was a common greeting to people in my neighborhood when I was a kid. When we asked it, we did not always want an answer, but many times we got one anyway.

I was fortunate to grow up in a tiny village of 200 or so souls in southern Illinois. The major criticism of Ina's size was, "Everybody knows your business". That is a legitimate complaint, it seems, unless you live in an urban area like Cincinnati and nobody knows your name. In fact, it is not unusual for a person to die at home and lie there for days, weeks or months without anyone knowing they are gone. Nobody knowing your business is, in my view, much worse than everybody knowing your business.

One of the most successful TV shows in history was based on the notion that you could be welcomed at a certain bar named "Cheers". In fact, their theme song said that "Everybody knows your name". Many people find it warmer, and more welcoming in a bar than at church. No wonder so many people drink booze. They feel accepted.

I have a quiz for you. I was stunned to discover the statistics about how many of my neighbors in Ohio have children with a serious disability. I not only did not know their names I did not know they existed. Wow! How did I miss it?

Maybe you are like me. Here is a simple quiz to test your knowledge of neighbors.

How many kids in Ohio ages birth to 18 have a serious disability?

Another question: "What percentage of Ohio kids have a disability?"

There are some 12 million people in Ohio and 3 million children/youth ages birth to 18. So that is a hint for you.

Put your Answers on the comment page or Face Book or email me at gary@sweetenlife.com

Functional Family Life

2011-03-22T20:21:00.004-04:00

For the past few weeks I have written about conflict. Some conflict is healthy and some is deadly. According to Dr. John Gottman the reason there is conflict between man and wife and parents and children is simple: Differences! People have little skill in dealing with even the slightest difference.

For example, I have received crisis calls from couples on a trip to Canada who got half way there and could not agree on what time the started. This was so difficult a difference that they soon got into a terrible argument. The argument got so heated and so out of control that they called me with a cry for my help.

We set up an appointment the following week and they came in as lovey as one could imagine. We chatted and laughed for a few minutes and then I asked, "Well, what was it that caused such a crisis between you that you had to call me from Canada?" They looked at each other with a puzzled expression and said, "We completely forgot what we were fighting about."

This was a regular event in their relationship and had been for over thirty years. But, it was not really destructive conflict that would lead to a divorce. The destructive conflict that is the primary reason couples get a divorce is different than their fights. This couple would fight and yell and scream and cry but they always stopped short of the one thing that would lead to emotional and spiritual destruction.

In fact, there are three ways people can handle differences and have conflict and still stay happily married. This is one that looks on the surface like a very dysfunctional marriage that will never last but most of them last forever. Here is why: They never attack each other. All the anger, hurt and yelling goes up to the sky and falls lazily back down to earth without doing mortal damage.

Some of you are saying, "That cannot be. I could not stand to have that much distension in my marriage and family life." You must fall into one of the other types that deal with conflict. Here is the key to handling conflict. Never, ever attack your partner's intellect, work habits, spiritual life, character, past history or sports teams. (Or anyone else for that matter.) Attacking ends up in the court house not the lake house. In Ohio that will cost you 50% of all you own and a lifetime of misery.

The couple mentioned above love each other deeply. Maybe too deeply because ti takes only a small amount of difference for the other to feel abandoned, dissed or attacked. When a couple is too closely stuck together any small separation can seem like a large attack. But, they love too much to attack the other. They are called a VOLATILE couple. The argument is just t prelude to a very romantic make up session! In fact, some couples have learned to fight so they can have a terrific kiss and make up.

Next time, the AVOIDANCE couple.

The Real Saint Patrick

2011-03-17T21:13:00.001-04:00

The Real Saint Patrick

MARCH 17, around 461 AD, St. Patrick died. As a teenager, the Roman Legions guarding his community in Britain had to be withdrawn to defend Rome, as invading heathen hordes, such as the Visigoths, Ostrogoths, Vandals and Huns, were overruning the borders. Unprotected, Britain was attacked by raiders, who carried away thousands.

Patrick was captured and sold as a slave in Ireland, which was ruled by the Druids, who practiced human sacrifice. For six years Patrick herded animals until he escaped. In his forties he had a dream calling him back to Ireland. In his Confession, Patrick wrote:

"In the depth of the night, I saw a man named Victoricus coming as if from Ireland, with innumerable letters, and he gave me one and while I was reading I thought I heard the voice of those near the western sea call out: 'Please, holy boy, come and walk among us again.' Their cry pierced my very heart, and I could read no more, and so I awoke." Patrick returned to Ireland, confronted the Druids, converted Chieftains, and used the three-leaf clover to teach the Trinity.

The Druids tried to ambush and kill Patrick nearly a dozen times: "Daily I expect murder, fraud or captivity, but I fear none of these things because of the promises of Heaven." Baptizing 120,000 and founding 300 churches, Saint Patrick wrote: "Patrick the sinner, an unlearned man to be sure. None should ever say that it was my ignorance that accomplished any small thing, it was the gift of God." In the next century, Irish missionaries evangelized the heathen hordes which had overrun Europe.

Provided by the American Minute

More About Conflict

2011-03-16T22:16:00.004-04:00

Former Governor Mark Sanford confessing that he shamed his wife and family by treating them contemptuously

So far I have been posting every few days about conflict in relationships with a special emphasis on conflict that leads to divorce. Dr. John Gottman has done research on the topic of differences in marriage that lead to conflicts that result in personal attacks and then to divorce. I found his research interesting, enlightening and revealing. It also begged for a simple interpretation for the normal reader.

If we look at how a marital relationship goes from good to bad to awful and then to miserable and terrible, it would appear something like this.

Stage I. Contentment with peace reigning between the partners

Stage II. Conflict-Complaints:Low level with some Complaints that are designed to solve arguments over a difference between them. If it stays at Complaints it can strengthen the marriage. Jesus warned us to be careful and judge ourselves when we get angry, frustrated. Hurt, anger and Complaints can be dangerous or healing.

Stage III. Conflict-Criticism: Here is when anger, frustration and Complaints turn into personal attacks on the partner's behavior. In terms Jesus used, it is calling the one you love stupid.

Stage IV. Conflict-Contempt: This is the most serious and damaging way to deal with differences. Jesus said, "If we call our partner a fool we are in danger of hell fire!" WOW! That is bad.

This is the stage we have reached tonight. If you are in a marriage where one or both partners is showing disrespect with character attacks and contemptuous actions, get assistance from a good couple Counselor immediately.

Jesus was a great therapist. He understood the damage to one's soul that occurs when we treat them with contempt. there is an immediate physical reaction of Fight or Flight. The emotions are flooded and the heart is scarred deeply within. If either has been deeply scarred as a child the old wounds will be opened and the pain deepened.

Showing Contempt is treating another person as an object of shame with no integrity and no identity. It is hard to recover from shaming. It requires hard work along with forgiveness, prayer and God's Holy Spirit.

Jesus was right. It is hell in the heart set on fire by a reckless tongue or reckless behavior like pornography, adultery or abuse.

See to it that you husbands love your wives as Jesus loved the church and died for her.

And you wives, respect your husbands and lift them up to God. Ephesians 5.

Autism Displays

2011-03-13T16:27:00.007-04:00

The people who displayed their offerings were varied and generous with their time and support.

On top is the booth of Joni and Friends, perhaps the premier Christian ministry to families with a disabled member.

Next in the purple shirt is Amy Schaffnit with RDI, a great way for parents to help their children.

The young woman represents Got-Autism which offers numerous article of education, play and relational building.

Last is Bob Caperna a very knowledgeable parent of resources in Dayton and a rep for New York Life. Contact Bob at 937-470-0046. He is an expert on estate planning for disabled children.

More on Autism Conference

2011-03-13T16:21:00.004-04:00

Kathy Deyer Bolduc is shown here hugging one of the parents who really appreciated The way she taught on "Finding God Through your Child's Disability".

Every parent who is rearing and loving a child with a disability will want to read one of her wonderful books. go to her web page and see her offerings.

Autism Conference

2011-03-13T16:05:00.006-04:00

Attended the free H3 (Help, Hope and Healing) Conference on Autism Friday night and Saturday in Franklin, Ohio. (Sweeten Life research Path Map on the wall)

It is put on by parents Jeff and Debby Barnett with the support of the Crosspointe Church of Christ on Route 122 just outside Middletown. This church has many classes, support ministries and groups to minister to their people, including a support group of parents with a child that has a disability. (Photo of Sanctuary)

The speakers were of the highest quality and covered the whole spectrum of care for "The Autism Spectrum". I am posting some of the photos I took with my camera phone of people who spoke and or had displays. Much of it was over my head but this group really seems to be on the cutting edge of helping parents care for their children.

Contact Jeff or Debby Barnett if you are interested in learning more about the conference. Call or write me and I will give you their contact information. Their web link did not work for me.

I was able to chat with several parents and presenters and tell them about our research and our desire to recruit churches, volunteer groups and organizations that are committed to helping support parents with a child who has a special need.

Go to the Sweeten Life web for audio tapes, video presentations and articles to help you (TM) Build a lifetime of great relationships.

Families and Disabilities

2011-03-11T08:59:00.003-05:00

The number of families impacted by disabilities is growing in our country at both ends of the age spectrum. More babies with a disability are living and many, many more people are living into the higher age ranges. Many nursing homes have residents in their nineties and hundreds. All of this has a big impact on the parents of the disabled children and children of the aged parents.

While the medical care and therapy of disabled children as well as aging parents is improving, the knowledge about how it affects the extended family has been stuck in the past. Those who worked with families with a member that is disabled have seen the increase in stress but little has been done to discover exactly what the families would like to have to help them deal with the increased family stressors.

With a generous grant from the Hatton Foundation, Sweeten Life Systems took the challenge of discovering how best to support the parents and extended family members of a child with Special Needs. We did an in depth, survey and home visit research study with 12 families in the Greater Cincinnati area.

The insights offered by those families were powerful and helpful. Now we are sharing them with you. Sweeten Life web site, training sessions for churches and offering seminars to families with a Special Needs Child. Our focus is the health and welfare of the parents and family members. For Counseling, call a Christian agency Life Way and ask for a Therapist with training in this area.

We are currently looking for churches who are already committed to equipping lay persons to support and care for church members. This includes The Stephen Ministers, Lay Pastors, Growth and Healing Ministers, Teleios Ministers, Habitat for Humanity, etc. We want to enroll you in our Village Innovation Project Training Program (VIP) and help you assess what the families in your church and community need from your church.

I have been posting on conflict in families and the stress in a family with a child who has a serious disability can lead to real problems. We discovered what successful families do to keep peace in the family and we want to train Lay Ministers how to support families and prevent Toxic Conflict.

Contact us if you are interested in finding out how to support this ministry or get training or find our about our next family event.

Danish Pastor as a Guest

2011-03-10T22:06:00.004-05:00

Karen and I said "So long" to Pastor Ruben Knudsen today as I put him on a Delta/Air France flight to Paris then to Copenhagen. Ruben spent ten days with us and we grew to love and respect him.

I met Ruben a few years ago in Randers, Denmark where my old friend Peder Poulsen lives. Peder had come to many of our seminars in Norway back in the Eighties and we have been friends ever since. Peder left the State Church many years ago and planted a Free Church in Randers. He took Ruben under his wing and he now succeeds Peder as Pastor of the Randers OASE Free Church.

Ruben is a very discerning fellow who discovered early in his ministry that the marriage and family relationships among his parishioners were moribund, lethargic and failing. Many of his friends lived in chronic misery. When I was near Randers speaking at a, "Equipping Lay Persons" conference Ruben asked me to preach on Sunday morning and afterward asked for some time to chat. That is when I learned how many of the marriages there are in trouble.

Ruben mentioned that some 40% of the married women in Denmark admit to having regular extramarital affairs. In fact, many "experts" in Denmark suggest that adultery and pornography are good for a marriage because they can "liven them up". That sounds crazy but evil is bold; very, very bold!

Ruben also noted how many of the Danish men are chronic users of pornography and he wanted to learn how to minister to them and to all marriages. So, I invited him to come to the USA and attend a Pure Hope Men of Valor Conference. He arrived last Tuesday and left today after learning from many of our local Pastors, Counselors and Christian leaders. He left filled with excitement and hope.

We in the USA are also facing an epidemic of family relationship problems along with pornography. Sweeten Life Systems is working hard to help Pastors, Lay Ministers and Counselors improve their skills of ministry to couples. One of the most important things we are doing is focusing on parents of children with a disability. The stresses on these couples is overwhelming and they can certainly use our wisdom and support.

I will follow up with Ruben in August by doing two training sessions in Denmark. Please support us with your prayers. Europe is in crisis and we have a lot to offer the Christians there. This includes Russia.

If you want to be on our mailing list send me your email to gary@sweetenlife.com

It's All About Good Relationships

2011-03-10T20:57:00.005-05:00

If you are looking carefully at our work you know that we have been called to "Build a lifetime of great relationships with God, self and others." That means that this blog will almost always focus on things that disturb our relationships or build them.

For the past few posts I have been looking at the teaching Jesus gave in Matthew 5 about murder. He first reminded the listeners of something they already knew quite well but Jesus thought they needed a reminder. "You have heard it said in the Old Testament that "You shall not murder"...They He gives us a brilliant exposition of what leads to hot blooded killings-ANGER.

Anger feelings are normal, daily experiences for many of us. When I was young they were welcomed because I liked being mad so I could verbally or silently tear someone apart. I always felt justified by using my anger as a guided missile against some enemy. Jesus knows humanity well and uses that insight to teach to the heart as well as to the head.

The Jews of Jesus' day were known to be hot blooded. They were prone to throw dirt into the air and rip their clothes as they screamed and hurled epithets at an enemy. That is anger on steroids! It is dangerous but it arises almost anytime we interact with a person with whom we disagree strongly.

This is what Jesus was thinking when He said, "You are not only in danger of being judged by yourself or friends but also the court system. Why? Because we call people bad names. Jesus specifically mentions calling someone raca or stupid, senseless, worthless because that is an assault on their character.

Name calling is dangerous and harmful. Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death or life are in the power of the tongue". Words can go deep into one's soul and lie there like a poison, burrowing into the souls with devastating results.

Review:

Step I. Anger-Judged by self and friends
Step II. Attack others with raca-Judged by the Council
Step III.

TV is so full of angry attacks against others that we can easily think they are OK for us. Then we fall into attacking as a first line of defense. This is a very slippery slope down which one can glide right into hell fire!

See my web Sweeten Life Systems for free downloads on improving your relationships. Get my book, Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty. It can change your life for the better.

Is Anger Murder?

2011-03-06T09:24:00.003-05:00

My last post on anger mentioned that Jesus warned us to be careful when we get angry. Does that men that the emotion of anger is always wrong that it always leads to murder either metaphorically or actually? No! Not at all.

Anger as a feeling can actually be healthy because it sometimes leads to doing things better. As Jesus said, we need to "Judge" how anger is applied to see if it is good or bad. St. Paul adds his insights to the mix in Ephesians by saying that we must not go to bed with wrath or bitterness in our heart. This is the critical difference.

Anger is a feeling that arises automatically when we get frustrated, hurt or scared. We cannot stop being angry. It is a part of the human nature God created in us. Because God has the ability to be angry so do we humans. However, God's anger is always righteous but human anger is not. When we humans hold on to anger until it becomes a "Root of bitterness" it is dangerous and harmful.

Bitterness is often translated as "wrath" in scripture. It means to have "An attitude of disrespect toward another person or group". When my anger with a wife turns to bitterness it is moving toward murder. And that is what Jesus gets into next.

Men of Valor Conference

2011-03-05T17:50:00.002-05:00

Good conference today with several hundred men at the Tryed Stone Church. I was able to cover some of the basics of male/female conflict. My friend Ruben Knudsen from Denmark was there and learned so much about the ways Americans deal with pornography, addictions and sexual relationships. In this photo Ruben is with Kent Ernsting.

It was great to see so many old friends and get to discuss ways to deal with our conflicts. Go to our web page at Sweeten Life for more teachings.

What Jesus Said about Murder

2011-03-05T00:08:00.002-05:00

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you that…anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Matthew 5:21

Anger is a dangerous emotion that can kill or heal. It is natural, normal and universal so the fact that the Bible talks about it so much indicates how important God thinks it is for us to understand and manage.

St. Paul gave us the following instructions in Ephesians 4. You may all be angry, but be very careful because it is easy to miss that mark and hurt someone when you are angry. Like Jesus, Paul says we are all ind anger of being judge when we play with fire and anger is fiery.

Growing in Christ

2011-02-28T23:26:00.003-05:00

Go to my sweeten life web page for teachings and videos on building great relationships.

Differences, Conflict and Divorce

2011-02-28T23:03:00.004-05:00

The number of children being reared in one parent homes is a national crisis. Divorce leads to a feeling of rejection in the children, poverty for the mother and her kids and a lifetime of misery for most of the adults affected.

This post will focus on the main causes of divorce and what we can do about curing those causes. A few posts ago I talked about the research of Dr. John Gottman, a Psychologist that has spent decades trying to unravel the answer of couple failure. He is pretty sure he has gotten great, applicable insights into why most people divorce and what can keep them together.

The big reason folks do not stay together is an inability to deal effectively with difference between them. The differences do not have to be big or important. It is not the name or type of difference but the style of handling them that counts.

I have often seen lists from therapists and preachers offering the biggest reasons people divorce. They usually include sex, money, in-laws and so on. But according to Dr. Gottman, it is not the content but the process that gets people in trouble. For example, in his research he hooks a couple up to a brain wave machine and asks them to discuss a common activity of the family. Some choose a movie to see, a trip to the zoo or when to have sex. Then he observes what they DO and how they do it.

If the couple handles the discussion of differences in one of three ways, Gottman says they will live together for years. However, if they habitually choose a toxic approach, he thinks they have a very high likelihood of separation and divorce. Some partners never argue but stop the discussion whenever feelings get raw. That marriage will likely last.

Other couples talk every though and feeling thought carefully with great detail and do not get upset. This is the style usually recommended by counselors. However, it is not the only successful style. They will probably stay together.

The third style is feisty and volatile but not attacking. they will make it.

Here is the toxic, divorce producing style: Attack and Hurt Your Partner. Putting each other down, criticism or contempt is a series of ways we can lose our partner.

Next time we will look at the various styles of attack and how to stop them.

Power Thinking

2011-02-24T23:45:00.004-05:00

Taking charge of your mind can lead to new habits of thinking and a new sense of peace. One of our Foundational Equipping classes helps believers apply a well known passage of scripture. I grew up in a church that believed in the Bible from genesis to maps and that included the index for some. But we all had a problem; none of us knew how to apply the biblical principles in real life.
For example, I heard this Bible verse of Jesus being quoted a lot. Preachers loved to bear down on it and used it to urge us to memorize the Bible. You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free! John 8:32
Any strong Bible based preacher can go off on that verse for a number of sermon topics. They can wend their way up the mountain of holiness and righteous living and right back down the valley of despair and sin. They would be able to tell us horror stories and tales of tragedy to show us what happens when people fail to understand the truth. The truth was should we run into any problem or temptations in life Bible memorization would be our escape hatch. We would rise and sing…

The B-I-B-L-E
That’s the book for me!
I stand alone on the word of God
The B-I-B-L-E!

Let me say before wandering off the subject that I agree with this verse and believe it points us to enormous power for healing, deliverance and freedom. But one thing was unfortunately left out of most preachers’ teaching: It is not enough to memorize the truth; we must also learn how to experience and apply the truth.

The term TRUTH in this passage is used in the Bible to mean sexual intercourse that led to pregnancy. When the scripture says that Abraham “knew” his wife Sarah, it does NOT mean that he read a book about her or even that he memorized hr vital statistics.

In the same way, to KNOW the truth means to experience, live in and apply the truth. In fact, the context of this verse says that Jesus is talking about more than Bible memory. Verse 31: “If you abide in my word you are truly my disciples”. Abide is to live in and feed on my word like a branch on a vine. Christianity and Christian truth are living, vital, growing and impacting. They are not static!

How Does One Know the Truth?

I was not taught much about how to abide in the truth. Jesus is The Way, The Truth and The Light! But I never heard anyone suggest a way to actually abide on Christ until I was an adult of 30 years. At this time I am going to share a simple but difficult way to start abiding in The Truth.

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ROMANS 12:1

It is a remarkable thing to read that St. Paul considers true worship to be offering our work, our fellowship and play as well as our romantic lives to God daily. What happened to the notion that reading the Bible, attending church and evangelizing our neighbors was real worship? He destroys it in one sentence. The he says something else that challenges our way of thinking.

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ROMANS 12:2

This focus on our mind seems secular, fleshly and sinful to a lot of Christians. Aren’t we supposed to forget the mind, stop thinking and going to school and be spiritual? Nope. Just the opposite. Give our mind and our brain to worship God all day every day.

Most of us need some simple, easily remembered principles to follow if we are really going to break old habits and start new ones. In order to start a diet and lose weight I need to stop old ways of eating and start new habits. The same is true of thinking patterns. We have developed very strong habits about the ways we think about life from the world around us. As St. Paul says, “Stop thinking like the world and start thinking like Jesus.

For example, the Bible exhorts us to remember that we can have perfectly developed peace if we keep our minds focused on Jesus. Many people were reared to have anxious thoughts and fearful ways of thinking that lead them to have sleepless nights and harried days. The answer is to focus on the love and presence of God and stop worrying, but that is quite difficult and may take months to accomplish.
What is an Emotion?

Emotions have four parts. So, when I feel nervous, anxious and fearful for no reason we must analyze what is causing the worry so we can change it and find perfect peace. Here is the secret: Are you ready to see it? The four parts of Feelings are:

Activating Events
Belief System
Consequential Feelings
Decisive Behavior

There are two of these that I cannot change directly and two parts I can change directly. I cannot change external Activating Events. When the Middle Eastern Muslim nations began to flare up many people got very worried. The Muslim revolts are Acts that I cannot change. When I think and ruminate on how awful that is and what will happen to oil prices I think of higher prices and how much money it will cost to drive and those thoughts make me worried. Because I was worried I stopped driving so much. The Activating Events (Revolts) did not make me worried but my Beliefs about the Events did make me worried. And, the Feelings caused me to stop driving and that was a Decisive Behavior.

A=Revolts in the Middle East
B=This will cause higher gas prices
C= Fear, Worry, Anxiety
D= Stop driving so much

The Bible is the most powerful book on psychology and behavior ever written. I am forever amazed at how insightful and healing it is to know and follow the Bible. The key is to know and apply the truth that sets us free. For more on how to “Take every thought captive to the mind of Christ" watch a video where Cyndi Wineinger and I teach the basic components of Power Thinking. It is all in the "How to Have a Peaceful Heart in a Stressful World” video. Our notes for the video are also available.

So, taking charge of your mind can lead to new habits of thinking and peace.

Building a Better Relationship with God

2011-02-21T17:21:00.005-05:00

Building a lifetime of great relationships

This means our ongoing relationship with God as well as with self and our neighbors. On Monday night, February 28 we will have a workshop on Spiritual Disciplines or "How to build a better relationship with God". I hope we can see you there and build a relationship with you as well as God.

Preparation for the workshop.

“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.” – Colossians 1:9

Following his graduation from Boston University in 1923, Raymond Edman arrived in Ecuador as a missionary. Two years later, the 25 year old American had contracted a rare tropical disease and was dying. He was so near death that the villagers had already dug his grave. His wife dyed her dress black for his funeral. He had great beads of sweat on his brow and there was a death rattle in his throat. But one night, he suddenly sat straight up in bed and said to his wife, "Bring me my clothes!" Nobody knew what had happened to cause this miraculous change of events.

Edman recovered and eventually became the president of Wheaton College.

Many years after his time in Ecuador, he was retelling the story in Boston. Afterward, a lady with a small, dog-eared, beaten-up book, approached him and asked, "What day did you say you were dying? What time was it in Ecuador? What time would it be in Boston?" When he answered her, her wrinkled face lit up. Pointing to her book, she said, "There it is, you see? At 2 a.m. God said to get up and pray - the devil's trying to kill Raymond Edman in Ecuador." And she'd gotten up and prayed.

Don’t just pray once for someone, keep on praying for them. Today in prayer, lift up to the Lord someone who needs your prayers.

“Pray often.” – John Bunyan

God’s Word: “I thank God, whom I serve, as my forefathers did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers.” – 2 Timothy 1:3

What is in your prayer journal? Dreams, visions, words, answers? What might be added Saturday?

Shalom,

Gary Sweeten

See Sweeten Life Systems for more resources.

Contact the Lifeway Health Initiative to register.

Hiders, Fighters and Lovers in Marriage

2011-02-20T23:05:00.003-05:00

Building a lifetime of great relationships.

Dr. John Gottman has done research with couples for almost three decades. He has focused a lot of his studies on how couples deal with differences between them. And, there are many differences between them.

He has concluded several things but allow me to mention one. Gottman is convinced that a couple can manage their differences in three positive ways and one very toxic and dangerous way. The three healthy ways lead to long term marriages of satisfaction and functionality but the toxic process almost inevitably leads to divorce.

I. Some couples deal with differences and the conflict they cause by Avoiding each other and the topic of disagreement until things cool down. They says things such as, "Our marriage is so much more important than any small difference of opinion".

In one family, the man would go down to his workshop and the wife would sew. They might never mention the conflict again but simply stay committed to each other despite the difference.

II. Other couples are Volatile and like to argue. They disagree all the time and argue about many small, insignificant issues. However, the arguments do not get personal. They tend to stay focused on the details of the disagreement not the personal characteristics of their mate.

III. Lastly is the style that a lot of Counselors and Relationship Coaches suggest. It can be called, "the Lovers Style" because they talk everything through and share all their feelings and thoughts until they agree. This style eshausts every topic until there is little left to say.

What style did your parents use to disagree? Did they like to hide their disagreements by going to the workroom or kitchen until it blew over? Or did the like to dialogue about things in a deeply sharing manner? Some of your parents liked to keep things interesting and exciting by arguments.

Fill in this blank: My parents dealt with disagreements by _____________.

How about you and your spouse? We handle disagreements by _______________.

Taylor Swift- You Belong With Me (With Lyrics) + HQ

2011-02-18T21:23:00.000-05:00

Christmas Food Court Flash Mob, Hallelujah Chorus - Must See!

2011-02-17T21:50:00.002-05:00

Why Do Christians Try to Rescue Others?

2011-02-17T10:09:00.005-05:00

I am getting a lot of great comments on Face Book about the last post on the need to equip the church congregations to minister hope, healing and change to people in pain. One lady said that church members need to be taught how to be a Paraclete and "Come alongside people in pain". She indicated that far too many folks try to change the person in pain not support them.

I could not agree more. I know so well from my own addiction to trying to rescue people in pain. I was so committed to being a "HERO" that I constantly looked for Victims to rescue. Why? I needed them to need me!

Did you hear about the man who pushed people into the lake by his house because he loved to rescue them? Or about the Boy Scout who lost his merit badge because he insisted on leading old ladies across the street even if they did not want to go?

As Pogo the Possum said, "I have met the enemy and it is me!"

I am better now. But I am still tempted to rescue people. I feel "ashamed" if I say "NO" to requests to be a hero. Please pray for me. And, download and read my book Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty from the Sweeten Life web page.It is my confession of an awful addiction that many Christian Ministers have and Christian Counselors have in spades.

Conflict is Inevitable

2011-02-17T06:13:00.004-05:00

There are few marriages that are conflict free. In fact, there are few relationships that are conflict free. The Bible says it this way:

James 3
Taming the Tongue

1 Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.

5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, if we humans are essentially uncontrollable in what we say, conflict is inevitable. How many times have we opened our moth, inserted a foot and wished we had kept silent? Or, as some tend to do, give our mate the "silent treatment"? A cold shoulder is as painful and difficult as a sharp tongue.

Proverbs reminds us that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." How we treat each other either builds up or tears down the ones we love. As the old song says, "We only hurt the ones we love..." Conflict, fighting and interpersonal pain is so awful because we care so deeply about our partner.

One time Don Paisley and I were attending a concert in Indy when we passed a very drunk stranger on the side walk. He stopped, looked at me and began to call me some very bad names. He also so included my mother in the diatribe. I was not upset, hurt or angry. Why? Because I knew he was drunk stranger who did not know me. However, had it been my wife I would have been deeply offended.

Those we love can hurt us much more deeply than a stranger. That is why family conflict is so painful and far too often ends in a divorce. In fact, in many marriages, the couple continues to fight many years after the divorce. Why? Because they are still deeply enmeshed with each other.

So, conflict is inevitable because we care so much.

Why Do We Not Prevent Divorces?

2011-02-16T21:26:00.004-05:00

What causes most divorces is pretty well known. Researchers such as John Gottman has studied couples in his laboratories for several decades by hooking them up to brain wave machines while the discussed a family situation. He says he can tell in a very short time which couples will stay the course and which ones will bail out.

I suspect you wonder how he can be so precise. I did. Then I read his famous book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Now I understand how he did it.

In that and other books Dr. Gottman explains what happens when a couple attempts to plan a simple vacation or how to discipline a child. If they do not have the skills of communication, problem solving and conflict management, the discussion will turn into "Toxic Conflict".

There are four styles of conflict management: Three that work and one that is toxic and a huge failure. The good news is this: Churches can and need badly to teach couples how to handle conflict in ways that build the family rather than destroy it. Unfortunately, very few have any sort of premarital preparation, let alone preparation that focuses on managing differences.

Prevention is fairly simple but it is not easy. The least we can do is start by teaching the Gottman skills. Get my book, Listening for Heaven's Sake and ask Equipping Ministries or some other ministry to train you how to do premarital prep. That would be a great start to preventing couple break ups.

More on Couple Conflicts

2011-02-14T22:09:00.002-05:00

I am in a good number of discussions about divorce and dysfunctional families in America. Everybody is a critic but so very few are producing any ways to slow down the pain and panic that leads to divorce.

What about the Pastors and leaders who deride couples for giving up on their marriages but do little or nothing to prepare young couples for the stresses and strains that come with "Til death do we part." I get pretty frustrated with those who have an opportunity to prepare couples but do not do it.

I saw a famous marriage and family teacher on TV the other night. The commentator asked him to name the main cause of divorce and he was predictable but wrong. In fact, most clergy are wrong when they offer insights about divorce prevention. Most of them say it is a "Lack of commitment". I disagree.

Dr. John Gottman, a Psychologist and researcher about all things marriage wise, has studied marriages and divorce for decades. He says it is not wobbly commitment but an inability to understand and resolve DIFFERENCES. And their are some big differences between men and women.

"She says tomato and I say tomahto".

Couples who figure out how to deal with differences and enjoy each other stay married. Period.

People Skills Count Most

2011-02-11T22:33:00.004-05:00

One of the most important things I ever learned had to do with mastering people skills. It matters little what the job is or what the context is, if people are involved the key is understanding them and getting along with them.

The book you see here, Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty, is focused on teaching people how to relate with others and be a positive influence on them. Go to my web for a free download of the book. If you want to influence others as a manager, a leaders or a minister, it is the book for you.

I have failed many times at interpersonal relations. Despite my commitment to listening, understanding and respecting people I still fail at it and I regret it. It is one of the things that drives me to keep learning and growing in relating to others with understanding and mercy.

I read an interesting interview in the Wall Street Journal Fins Section of a top executive from IBM tonight who agreed with my assessment of the importance of communication, problem solving and conflict management.

IBM's Bridget van Kralingen, 47, runs a $40 billion business, accounting for 40% of total revenue at the computer services and software giant.

Van Kralingen was appointed general manager of North America a year ago and is based in New York. She began her career at Deloitte Consulting in Cape Town in 1989, joining IBM in 2004 to run its global financial services business out of London. Born in the U.K., she spent 15 years with Deloitte, mostly in South Africa with a brief stint in New York from 1997 to 1999.

FINS spoke with her about meritocracy, how to boost morale among sales teams and her boss, Ginni Rometty, No. 8 on Fortune magazine's 2010 list of Most Powerful Women in Business.

SP: How do you suggest people get used to working with different cultures and teams?

BvK: Two things. First, go in with the stance of listening before you jump to conclusions or take an approach that may have worked in the place you worked before.

Secondly, go ahead and ask about leadership style in the place you're in. Ask your team, your peers.

SP: What would you advise someone going into sales as a career?

BvK: We sell around solutions rather than products now. So you need to have the skills to consult and understand.

It's not just the selling and solutioning, but also delivery. We're in an era of analytics and making sense of data.

Wherever you go and whatever you do, interpersonal skills of Genuineness, Respect, Empathy and Warmth are critically important. Go to our web page and download the Humpty Dumpty book. Take a look at the skills and start using them at home, school and work. They will save you a lot of time, energy and pain.

Christian Growth Under Communism

2011-02-02T10:07:00.004-05:00

My friend Dr. Richard Kidd, a member of the Sweeten Life Systems Board, sent me the following remarks. It coincides nicely with my experience in the former USSR where our ministry of equipping Christian leaders is growing and getting stronger. This is despite the strong persecution of Christians who actually want to live out their faith in daily life.

I ran across this quote in Rodney Stark’s What Americans Really Believe. Nothing fundamentally new here but started in a ‘stark’ fashion that drives the point:

“By far the most interesting data in this table are those for the former Soviet bloc. For more than seventy years atheists controlled the Soviet state and enforced an official policy of atheism. Beginning in the first year of school, and
each year all the way through college, students in the Soviet Union were required to take a course in atheism.

Following World War II, when the Soviets took control of the nations of Eastern Europe, a similar system of atheist education was imposed. Year after year, students were rehearsed in all the angry anti-religious arguments to be found in recent tracts
such as Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion.

And it wasn't merely education that atheism had going for it in the Soviet bloc. There was intense discrimination against religious people- if you wanted to have a good job, you professed atheism. If you were too intensely or too overtly religious, you might get sent to a hard-labor camp or even be killed. The result? In Russia itself the score is: God 96 percent, atheism 4 percent, precisely the same as in the United States. Nor did the atheism campaign do significantly better anywhere in the rest of the old Soviet bloc.

In his very recent book, The Plot to Kill God: Findings from the Soviet Experiment in Secularization, Paul Froese demonstrates the utter ineptitude of the Soviet efforts to instill atheism. In part the educational program made no progress because it was staffed by, and the teaching materials were prepared by, people who knew next to nothing about religion. The assumption was that since religion is nonsense, there is nothing much one needs to know to refute it. Hence, what the atheism faculty regarded as unanswerable criticisms of faith were, in fact, quite elementary matters of theology and easily refuted by the average church-goer.”

Here is my view of such things. God cannot be stopped. Those who persecute Christians end up destroying themselves and others. As Tertullian said, "The blood of martyrs is seed for the church." When missionaries left China in 1949 there were 2 to three million Christians. Now there are over 100,000,000.

Jesus and Civility

2011-02-01T23:15:00.004-05:00

There has been a lot written recently about the need for civility. Much of the furor and hand wringing came about when a very sick young man shot and killed six people and severely wounded a politician.

When something happens to a politician the media and other politicians take up the cry to stop selling guns and stop politicians on the other side from talking. Such gnashing of teeth and wailing is short lived and done mostly for selling papers and getting a political advantage. In some ways, it leads to even more uncivil talk and even greater polarization in our nation.

But I am convinced that Jesus would be unhappy with the ways we talk about each other and the ways we make villains out of those we differ with. Jesus had a lot to say about such things and I think it is wiser than anything written by a modern therapist or politician.

Jesus described the problem better than anyone I have ever read. Why? because He differentiated different levels of anger, conflict and personal attacks. This is not something that I have seen anyone else do in the weeks since the shooting rampage.

Here is a great and very accurate teaching that is practical and helpful from Jesus.

Matthew 5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment.

Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca, is answerable to the court.

And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

Read and tell me why this is not the greatest teaching on relationships ever written.

Integration of Faith and Science

2011-01-29T22:20:00.003-05:00

Dr. Christina Fosarelli, head of the George Washington University Institute for Spirituality and Health, says “… prayer is like a placebo. How can something we know is totally worthless work? Placebos [work] and we don't understand why. It is clear that to some people, faith matters a great deal and seems to be effective and we don't know why." Those of us who believe in God do, in fact, know how these interventions work.

In psychotherapy a placebo may be an inert medication such as a sugar pill or a therapeutic intervention that is known to have no research support. Despite this fact, many times placebo can actually cause the patient to get better. However, a placebo must be consistent with the patient’s beliefs, values and religious convictions to be effective. Alternatively, to suggest treatment that is contrary to a patient’s values can lead to a reverse placebo effect. When the client’s mind develops anxiety or fear, harmful results occur. In the same way that the Placebo Effect brings a positive influence on mental, emotional and physical life the Reverse Placebo Effect can cause the opposite to occur.

Prayer, worship or Holy Communion has a therapeutic placebo effect in a believer. We believe that these faith practices also provide supernatural interventions thereby doubling the impact on body and soul. Additionally, taking part in these activities also engages the patient’s family and church fellowship support system. Thus, acts of faith combine three of the four factors of healing. No wonder church attendance is so wonderfully therapeutic.

However, two ways of bringing religion and spirituality into treatment can be harmful to the client or patient. First, spiritual interventions that are inconsistent with the patient’s faith can cause a reverse placebo. Whereas the placebo effect brings peace and physical improvement its reverse can have the opposite effect for it brings anxiety, fear, condemnation and inner conflict along with all the accompanying negative physical ramifications.

For example, some health care programs suggest that Christian clients practice Yoga as part of an exercise and stress reliever regimen. However, Yoga with meditation on a Hindu god would cause non-Hindus to suffer a reverse placebo effect that could damage the client physically, mentally and emotionally. To Christians and Jews the worship of false gods is idolatry that our bodies and minds automatically reject.

Second, to refuse a client’s request for prayer, communion or a religious rite is malpractice. A person in need often turns to God and religion because the result is a Relaxation Response and a positive Placebo. Rejection of such a request may cause anxiety, guilt feelings, shame and fear. These acts are deleterious to the patient and his family.

A very important factor for recovery is the patient’s motivational level. Without a desire to get better we who minister can do little. Second, hope is also essential to recovery. To refuse a client’s request for religious and spiritual assistance can damage both motivation and hope. Most destructive, however, is the erosion of a third factor; trust between client and therapist.

As I posted above, Dr. Herbert Benson, a well-known researcher on whole person medicine and the Relaxation Response at Harvard University, has carefully researched stress and health. The Relaxation Response is his name for a physical response to deep breathing and calmness. After researching the effects of Eastern Meditation he was challenged to include research on the addition of religion and health.

As a result, he changed his mind about meditation. He writes, “I thought that the Relaxation Response (with its emphasis on secular practices alone) was enough but I have come to see that the effects of this simple technique combined with a person’s deepest beliefs can create internal environments to help the individual reach an enhanced state of health and well-being.” (Beyond The Relaxation Response, Berkley Health, 1985)

Prayer and other spiritual approaches can be particularly beneficial for people with stress-related disorders. Dr. Herbert Benson reports that meditative prayer can ease anxiety, mild depression, substance abuse, ulcers, pain, nausea, tension and migraine headaches, infertility, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), insomnia, and high blood pressure. Dr Benson’s entire approach to relaxation was changed to include religious practices that are consistent with the patient’s faith. A patient who asks for Christian prayer or Holy Communion is denied them at the risk of severe psychological and medical harm. This is, by definition malpractice.

Why would Christians practice Eastern Meditation when it is less effective than focused prayer? I think it is because we Christian leaders have failed miserably in teaching our people how to pray from the heart. We have also failed to tell the world how beneficial prayer is to the whole person and how to combine prayer, worship and physical exercise. In short, we have failed to make disciples and instead replace practical spiritual practices with talk.

Eastern Mysticism; Western Christians

2011-01-28T12:46:00.003-05:00

My wife and I just returned from a five day cruise in the Caribbean. It was wonderful with sun, warm air, great food and time to rest. One of the main events on the ship was health care. They had a big workout room with classes, exercises and a lot of ways to spend your money. Yoga was promoted everywhere.

That is not odd or different. I find Yoga, a practice of Eastern Mysticism developed by Hindus and taken up seriously by various Hindu sects such as Buddhism. It promotes meditation though emptying one's mind and focusing on making the sound of a Hindu god. It also promotes stretching and relaxation to relieve stress and build one's body. The health benefits are touted almost everywhere, including the Mason Community Center where I belong and work out.

I have always been a bit uneasy with Yoga and share my discomfort with those who practice it for its health benefits. It promotes meditating on a Hindu god which is contrary to the Bible's insistence that "You shall worship the Lord your God and have no other gods before you".

Many who practice Yoga insist that it is a purely secular and even a physical event. But I am not satisfied that is true. Nor do I believe that Eastern Mysticism, Yoga, is as good for us as is prayer and exercise from a Christian point of view. For example, I saw this research and was impressed that Christians can do better than Yoga.

Dr. Herbert Benson is a well-known researcher on whole person medicine and the Relaxation Response at Harvard University, has carefully researched stress and health. The Relaxation Response is his name for a physical response to deep breathing and calmness. Then he was challenged to include research on the addition of religion and health. He writes, “I thought that the Relaxation Response (with its emphasis on secular practices alone) was enough but I have come to see that the effects of this simple technique combined with a person’s deepest beliefs can create internal environments to help the individual reach an enhanced state of health and well-being.” (Beyond The Relaxation Response, Berkley Health, 1985)

Prayer and other spiritual approaches can be particularly beneficial for people with stress-related disorders. Dr. Herbert Benson reports that meditative prayer can ease anxiety, mild depression, substance abuse, ulcers, pain, nausea, tension and migraine headaches, infertility, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), insomnia, and high blood pressure.

Dr Benson’s entire approach to relaxation was changed to include religious practices that are consistent with the patient’s faith. A patient who asks for Christian prayer or Holy Communion is denied them at the risk of severe psychological and medical harm. This is, by definition malpractice.

Why then, do many hospitals with Christian origins promote Eastern Mysticism such as Yoga and yet do not practice Christian prayer, meditation and worship?

It is OK to get Angry

2011-01-19T23:20:00.004-05:00

The Bible has a good bit to say about anger. In fact, other than money, anger is possibly a top topic in the Holy Writ.

Back in about 1975 I spoke to Friday Morning Men on several occasions. I did one series on sex and we had a record setting number of males turn up. I was not surprised and was very pleased that my choice of subjects was so well received.

A few months later I spoke on anger and almost twice as many men came. When I expressed my surprise that this topic out pulled sex, one of the men said, "We get a whole lot more anger than we do sex."

I suppose that is why God inspired His authors to write their Spirit led thoughts on the topic. First, let me tell you about my family and how we tried to deal with anger and other negative emotions. My Great Grand Father had been a Holiness Minister and Evangelist. He believed and taught that once a Christian had been "Baptized in the Holy Spirit" he or she could live above sin. This meant that anger, lust, coveting and so forth could be eliminated from our lives.

His daughter, my Grandmother, was a true follower of this philosophy and, as far as i could tell, she did a pretty good job of living without anger and lust. This brings me to my mother who was a fiery, red headed Irish woman who did not live her life without anger, but she had an enormous guilt complex about being imperfect in that regard. She insisted that Christians did NOT get angry. "I get frustrated," she would say, "but Christians do not get angry."

So, we had some very unhealthy ideas about how to deal with the reality of anger and what the Bible actually teaches about it and other negative emotions. For example, until I was an adult who learned to study a bit of Greek and actually understand that there are very different Greek words translated with the same English term anger. This means that the Bible is often precise and clear that the FEELINGS of anger are natural, normal and acceptable. However, resentment, bitterness and revenge are forbidden.

In fact, in Ephesians 4 St. Paul says, "Go ahead and get angry but do no let the sun go down on your anger." The first term translated as anger means "Feel the emotion of anger" but the second term means "bitterness and resentment". It is not possible by an act of the will to stop feeling anger. It is, however, possible to stop thinking about revenge.

More on this topic later.

Words and Murder

2011-01-17T21:28:00.005-05:00

Unless you live in a cave with no electricity you are well aware of the tragedy that occurred some nine days ago in Tuscon, Ar. A young man shot and killed six persons and wounded several more. The news media have been filled with speculation about his motives. If political rhetoric spurred him into such evil, awful acts.

The Bible has many passages on how our words can have a powerful impact on the people around us. One of my favorites is "Death or life are in the power of the tongue and those who love (to use their tongue" will eat the fruit of what they say." I did a doctoral dissertation on developing a systematic human relations model in 1975. Since then I have been preaching, teaching, writing and training people how to minister life instead of death.

Having said that, I am not suggesting that the young killer was influenced by political speech. There is no evidence that he was. As soon as I read his statements in the paper I knew he was deeply troubled and probably suffered from paranoia. It was listening to his own deeply broken heart statements that led him to kill.

My friend and mentor Dr. Richard Walters did some research on the power of the spoken word to impact listeners. He had actors read prepared statements on tapes and brought in students to listen to them. Some statements were harsh and others warm. Others were neutral.

As the students listened to the tapes Rich had their pupils measured to see what happened. Amazingly, when the students heard a harsh statement their pupils opened wide as they would when under attack. When they heard a warm, caring statement the pupils relaxed as in safety. He discovered that indeed, physical harm was in the spoken word as was physical health.

As you read this reflect for some moments about your speech patterns. Are you a blessing or a curse to those around you? The Bible says, "Do not let anything come out of your mouth that does not build up the people who hear you..." EPH 4:29

How are you doing as a person that is building up the people around you?

Scale yourself: Zero is Destructive and Ten is Fantastic Life

Family: 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

Friends: 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

Co-Workers: 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

Church People: 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

Strangers: 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

People you dislike: 0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

Ten Reasons we Have Toxic Conflicts

2011-01-07T14:11:00.005-05:00

So far I have posted three times on this topic and it has received a good bit of interaction for which I am thankful. Most of the comments come on Face Book. My last post focused on the fact that many people in the church suffer from deep emotional, relational and spiritual wounds that lead them to be reactive to people, events and ideas that are similar to the things that initially wounded them.

Many years ago a researcher by the name of Dr. Penfield wanted to better understand how our memories worked. He opened up the skulls of several patients and gave very, very slight electrical charges to different parts of the brain. Each time he stimulated one of the patent's brains, a memory was brought back. Interestingly enough, that patient upon remembering had similar or same memories and feelings as he/she did originally.

What does that mean? One important implication is that our current memory bank contains locked in it almost every event that has ever occurred in our life. Not only that, but the feelings that accompanied the event is also lying in wait of something in real time to awaken it.

Now fast forward to the present church where Pastor Johnson is readying his sermon for Sunday morning. During his preparation the Pastor decides to come down very hard on sexual sin and shouts that such people will not inherit the Kingdom of God. In the church that morning is Gina Thompson, a young mother of three who has been struggling with low grade depression and burn out.

Gina has never told anyone that she had been dating a man who practically raped her while at college. Afterward, thinking she was a ruined woman, Gina had sex often with her boy friends and got pregnant and had an abortion. She had carried a terrible weight of guilt, shame and condemnation ever since. The scars of her terrible experience were deep and well hidden until Pastor Johnson's exposition that day. As soon as he began to share Gina became extremely uncomfortable and agitated. Memories of her sad experiences are forced to the surface and are mixed with guilt, shame and anger.

What should she do?

1. Go see a Christian Counselor who could bring healing to those deep heart wounds;
2. Go see Pastor Johnson and confess her sins;
3. Tell her unsuspecting husband of her past behavior;
4. Accuse Pastor Johnson of being a cruel legalistic hater for his harsh sermons;
5. Push her guilt and shame farther down and hope it goes away;
6. Drop out of church and never go back;
7. Add a couple of glasses of wine to her nightly regimen of ice cream and cake;
8. Withdraw from any more sexual relations with her husband;
9. Get more angry, depressed and difficult to deal with;
10. Any combination of the above options.

Unless churches become a "safe place" for people such as Gina Thompson, they will never be able to be free from the past trauma. So much current toxic anger actually arises from pain of the past that has never been healed. Jesus came to heal the body, the soul and the spirit. Gina Thompson's soul was deeply wounded as a young woman and desperately needs the church to be a place of healing. Otherwise, how will she ever be able to be a healthy parent, healthy wife and healthy Christian?

We can easily see the current symptoms of earlier trauma. Gina may be depressed, angry, sexually frigid, overeating, etc. And, these will continue and even worsen unless God's people actually follow in the healing ministry of Jesus. Jesus commanded His followers to "Do everything He did" but I do not see many churches actually helping people with wounded souls.

And, until seminaries start training new Ministers how to "Care and Cure the Souls" their flocks will go on carrying the pain of past assaults with little relief. No wonder so many Christians give up and try Yoga, meditation and secular psychology.

I challenge all of your Christians who want to help others to learn how to share God's truth, love and power with mercy, grace and the fruit of the Spirit so people like Gina Thompson can be set free from those past traumas.

Conflict in Church

2011-01-04T22:57:00.004-05:00

Jesus said, "Come unto me all of you who are heavily laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me because my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Mt. 11:25-30.

The promise to sinners is freedom from heavy burdens of guilt, shame and emotional pain. So, why are we surprised when the people who come to faith in Jesus act like people who have been traumatized, hurt, beaten and battered? I was appearing on a TV station near Columbus, Ohio. A Pastor from a large congregation was also appearing and we chatted while waiting to go on.

During the conversation revival and church growth came up and I asked, rather innocently, "Are you seeing the possibility of a revival in the near future?" He looked at me with surprise and said, "Oh! I hope not! My church is filled with a lot of neurotic, emotionally distraught people now and a revival would bring more into my church. I don't think I could handle another revival. Every dysfunctional, wounded Christian in Columbus comes to my church and I do not know why."

"Well" I said,"I see you are talking about healing tonight. Do you offer prayer for healing at your church?"

"We sure do, and hundreds come for prayer and we in the leadership are overwhelmed. Why do I have so many wounded people coming to my church?"

I pointed out that it seemed pretty obvious why to me. He was like a hospital that promised free medical care to the community and so all the sick people showed up. The problem was, his church had no one to provide the care, counsel and prayer for all those who came.

He was shocked because he had never thought that he was advertising free health care to the masses or that he needed to train a corps of Peer Helpers and Counselors to minister to those who showed up at his church. The result was chaos, conflict, complaints and contempt for the Pastoral staff by disgruntled people.

What about your church? Do you preach Jesus saves? Do people come expecting to be saved from childhood wounds and relational hurts left over from home and family life. Do you know how to help angry, difficult people? Have you trained Lay Helpers and Lay Pastors to meet with these folks and bring them them peace?

Many people come to faith and stay stuck in the Baby Stage of spiritual/emotional growth. They are often "Battered Babies who know nothing about the Bible or healing except how to cry, complain and create conflict. They were rejected and abandoned emotionally at home and often find the same kind of harsh treatment at their new church family, thus ripping the childhood scabs off their sores.

In Ohio there are some 12 million people of which about 60% or 7 million are unchurched. Of that number at least 50% have met Christ personally and been in church but have been hurt, bored or abandoned.

They would LOVE to find a caring, welcoming, warm congregation that would help them receive God's healing love. Like children, they may cause conflict just to get some needed attention and test the staff to see if will show them love or judgment.

Will your church put Humpty Dumpty back together again or push him off another wall?

Why So Much Conflict?

2011-01-03T23:22:00.004-05:00

A few thoughts before I go to bed.

I read an email message today that I regularly receive from a wise man. It sparked some thoughts about conflict. Read the statement from Graced Again by Tom Wood, Church Multiplication Ministries, a non-profit, whose mission is starting, strengthening, multiplying grace-centered churches through consults and coaching church planting pastors, leaders and emerging leaders.

Then read my thoughts and see what you think.

“A special faith in our Lord Jesus Christ’s person, work and office is the life, heart and mainspring of the Christian character. He sees by faith and unseen Saviour, who loved him, gave Himself for him, paid his debts for him, bore his sins, carried his transgressions, rose again for him, and appears in heaven for him as his Advocate at the right hand of God.

He sees Jesus and clings to Him…..He sees his own many sins, his weak heart, a tempting world, a busy devil; and if he looked only at them, he might well despair. But he sees also a mighty Saviour, an interceding Saviour, a sympathizing Saviour—His blood…..His righteousness, His everlasting priesthood—and he believes that all this is his own.

He sees Jesus and casts his whole weight on Him. Seeing Him, he cheerfully fights on, with a full confidence that he will prove more than conqueror through Him that loved him…Habitual lively faith in Christ’s presence and readiness to help is the secret of the Christian fighting success fully.”

by J C Ryle, Holiness

Why did I write what I did as a result of this powerful statement?

We are all deeply broken, deeply flawed and blind to our sinful natures. Sin is not just "skin deep" but bone deep. Our flaws seep out of every pore and every possible action step we take including our thoughts.

To make matters worse, we actually think we can live without sin and expect others to be sinless. If they don't we grow angry, attacking and judgmental. The slightest mistakes, errors, sin or misstatement by others allows us to think we are superior and unleashes a deeply felt desire to crush our former friend, spouse or child. We attack because the weak, sinful and error prone person deserves our wrath and so we unleash our shame, guilt and punishment on him or her without mercy and certainly without grace.

Why Do Christians Fight

2011-01-01T22:28:00.003-05:00

I had quite a few readers who answered this question by writing me. It has been a good discussion and I am grateful that they focused mainly on the sin of PRIDE. In fact, several proposed that the major sin issue is pride and it leads to other deceitful tendencies in our humanity.

Here is some of the passages about pride from the Bible.

II Kings 19:20 Then Isaiah son of Amoz sent a message to Hezekiah: “This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: I have heard your prayer concerning Sennacherib king of Assyria. 21 This is the word that the LORD has spoken against him:

22Whom have you mocked and reviled and insulted and blasphemed? Against Whom have you raised your voice and haughtily lifted your eyes? Against the Holy One of Israel! 23By your messengers you have mocked, reproached, insulted, and defied the Lord, and have said, With my many chariots I have gone up to the heights of the mountains, to the far recesses of Lebanon. I cut down its tall cedar trees and its choicest cypress trees. I entered its most distant retreat, its densest forest. 24I dug wells and drank foreign waters, and with the sole of my feet have I dried up all [the defense and] the streams of Egypt.

25[But, says the God of Israel] Have you not heard how I ordained long ago what now I have brought to pass? I planned it in olden times, that you [king of Assyria] should [be My instrument to] lay waste fortified cities, making them ruinous heaps. 26That is why their inhabitants had little power, they were dismayed and confounded; they were like plants of the field, the green herb, the grass on the housetops, blasted before it is grown up 27But [O Sennacherib] I [the Lord] know your sitting down, your going out, your coming in, and your raging against Me.

II Chronicles 26:16 But after Uzziah became powerful, his pride led to his downfall. He was unfaithful to the LORD his God, and entered the temple of the LORD to burn incense on the altar of incense. 17 Azariah the priest with eighty other courageous priests of the LORD followed him in. 18 They confronted King Uzziah and said, “It is not right for you, Uzziah, to burn incense to the LORD. That is for the priests, the descendants of Aaron, who have been consecrated to burn incense. Leave the sanctuary, for you have been unfaithful; and you will not be honored by the LORD God.”

In each of these instances we see that pride is the core problem that then lead to other problems.The Lord says to King Hezekiah ... you have mocked, reproached, insulted, and defied the Lord..." as if to make sure the readers understand that the garden variety of pride is not the focus here. Instead it is the fact that the pride is disrespectful of God not just other people.

Then King Uzziah got power and forgot to humble himself before the Lord. Not only that, his pride led him to try to offer a sacrifice in the temple; an act that was restricted to priests only.

Both kings acted as though God was not involved in the affairs of state. They were wrong. They failed to be contrite toward God and His power, authority and activities. They blasphemed against God and that is serious business.

So pride is an attitude of narcissism and of acting like I can do anything. Have you ever done something that was rebellious toward God or your parents or an authority because you thought you were too big to fail? I have. I became "Too full of myself" and made foolish mistakes and suffered from them.

Is pride the core weakness in humanity that leads to all of the other sins. I don't think so. It was the great sin of Adam and Eve. It was the great sin of Satan that led to his being kicked out of heaven. It is a basic weakness of humanity. But, ....? What say you?

Top Ten Causes of Conflict

2010-12-30T21:13:00.005-05:00

Starting on December 16 I wrote several posts about church conflicts and asked folks to comment on it by adding their own insights. I received a few comments, which I love because we who blog can get pretty lonely if we don't hear from you. One person remembered a fist fight among the members one Sunday morning and others had similar stories of deep conflict that caused trauma to them and their family members.

I have been pondering the question of why so much conflict in church groups and have some ideas. However, I am still interested in your insights. Let me begin by quoting a man well acquainted with church conflicts, St. James, the Brother of our Lord who lays out the number I. reason for Fights among Believers:

James 4:

1 What causes fights and quarrels among you?

Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

2 You desire (Lust-A strong desire and longing) but do not have, so you kill.

You covet (Envy and Jealousy that others have what you desire) but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.

You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives,(Desire bad ends) that you may spend what you get on your (evil)pleasures.

One Bible scholar indicates that lust is like a disease in the heart or a hole in the soul that cannot be healed or filled with human activities."So" James says, "you all are lusting strongly after things you cannot have so you attack others who do have it."

Similarly, James indicates that we covet what others have so strongly that you try to get it through wrong means. I have come to see COVETING as the core problem in life for all Christians. St. Paul mentioned it as the sin that was so powerful that he would not have known it was wrong if the Commandments had not said it was.

In America, Covetousness is seen as a good thing. As a Capitalist nations we need people to covet what they do not have so they will buy more things. Without coveting, marketing would be useless. However, let me add that even in Communist nations like Russia, China and Romania. In fact the top leaders were and are more covetous than most and attempted to control others so they had more power.

The more we covet, the more we fight. Seminaries teach their students to Covet bigger churches and to abandon a little church to go to a bigger one. We covet our neighbor's church members, his budget, his tithers and his supportive family. No wonder there are so many depressed, angry, uptight preachers and unhappy board members who Lust to have more members.

No wonder we have such anger in church meetings that end up in personal attacks, name calling and emotional outbursts. If St. Paul couldn't quit coveting, how can we? What are we to do about it? How did James suggest we overcome this deeply, inbred sinful nature? Seek God. God alone can heal us. Not God's good gifts but God's presence in and with us.

So, I nominate this as the number I. Reason for Church Conflicts. Next, Number II.

Save on IRA Taxes

2010-12-28T14:57:00.003-05:00

I just read in Philanthropy Today that the Obama Administration and the Congress did it again. They passed a tax break for us old people by allowing us to give IRA money tax free to a charity. But, it was so late many of us had already drawn the money out but got no tax break. This bunch of greedy souls in D.C. must be kicked out of office.

Year-End Scramble Made More Intense by IRA Break

December 28, 2010, 10:21 am

By Holly Hall

Many gifts are made in the last few weeks of the year, but even so, fund raisers think Congress may have cut it too close even for procrastinating donors when it waited until mid-December to pass a key charity tax break.
President Obama signed a measure on December 17 that allows people age 70 1/2 or older to make tax-free charitable gifts of up to $100,000 from their individual retirement accounts.

Such a provision has been in effect since 2006, but until mid-December Congress had not taken any action to approve it for 2010 and beyond. Because the renewal of the tax measure came so late in the year, Congress decided to give donors until January 31 to make a gift that would count as a 2010 donation.
But that concession may not have made much of a difference because it probably came well after people had decided to take money from their retirement accounts. People age 70 1/2 and older are required by law to take at least some money out of their accounts every year.

Vaughn W. Henry, a Springfield, Ill., lawyer who specializes in planned gifts, says he doubts many donors will want to tap their accounts for a second time this year. He says he has already met with one such donor who has decided against using his IRA to make a gift in 2010 for that very reason.
But that is not the case for all donors.

How Did Jesus Train

2010-12-25T11:26:00.001-05:00

When Jesus told His followers to "Go into all the world and make disciples He added ans important proviso: "Teaching them to do everything I taught you to do". WOW! That is a heavy assignment and I do not think most of the leaders I know even try to do that. In fact, few believe it is possible and even if it were would feel completely unable to accomplish it.

I minister to struggling Pastors and Christian leaders every week. Many are depressed, overwhelmed and frustrated. Few, if any, were prepared in seminary or Bible school for the daily, practical, real issues that confront them now as a Minister.

One Pastor told me he had never been taught how to do a baptism, a funeral, a wedding or any service. He had never seen anyone anoint a sick person with oil, comfort a widow, counsel and parent whose child had just been killed or led a church council, dealt with church conflict or advised a parent on discipline. All of which are the daily activities of all persons in ministry.

His entire seminary experience had focused on the teachers being "Talking Heads" who told him and his classmates how to be better "Talking Heads". No wonder seminaries are dying. With that kind of curriculum they need to die and be resurrected as schools that teach the way that Jesus did: through personal interaction, practice, feedback and making mistakes.

One of my ministerial friends told me a story about his first year in ministry that is bot tragic and funny. He joined the staff of a rather large church in the summer and shortly thereafter the Senior Minister left on vacation. The new man was supposed to baptize by immersion two adult converts in the local lake. The only thing that saved all of them from drowning was one of the converts who could swim well. (Perhaps this is a reason so many churches sprinkle now.)

As I think about the terribly inefficient and ineffective ways Christians try to operate I am struck by the fact that the church is indeed supernatural. Any organization not supported by the Holy Spirit would have died long ago with such training programs.

So, if a leaders has never been trained to DO THE STUFF how can he/she teach others to DO THE STUFF? Many Ministers stumble through and over time learn how to do the stuff but it usually takes a long time and a lot of pain. Why not do ti the way Jesus did and see what happens.

Boring Churches

2010-12-25T10:56:00.002-05:00

Can you imagine adults sitting in a large classroom listening to the same tired old talks about adding 2 + 2 and how to spell c-a-t? Yet we do that in many church assemblies. No wonder so many Christian people stop attending services. They are bored to distraction by elementary teachers repeating elementary teachings to adults.

As an educator I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that for several years of church work I failed to realize that some adult believers are babes in Christ who need milk but others are grown-up adults who can chew meat. I suppose I came by that point of view because I always attended churches that gathered adults together in one big room to be "fed" by the "Pastor/ Shepherd of the sheep." (We were the sheep.) Everybody ate the same food and we all sat with mouths open in anticipation whether we had just come to the Lord or were veterans of fifty spiritual years.

Hebrews 6 gives us a completely different point of view. When I read it I can clearly see that the Spirit who inspired the Bible understood developmental stages of growth and change. God is an educator who develops some teachings for Babes and others for Disciples and still more for us in Ministry. Would we present the same things to my four-year-old grand daughter as we would to her mother?

1 Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death and of faith in God, 2 instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment.

3 And God permitting, we will do so. (NIV)

Any Pastor who wants to really feed his/her people will develop ways to discern where they are spiritually and offer them food that is specifically designed for that stage of spiritual growth. Most people covet large numbers with lots of money and bottoms in the pews. They love fat churches not big, strong, healthy churches. No wonder there is so little long term change happening. Only by making strong disciples will we become effective in our ministries.

How Do I know if I am Growing into Maturity?

2010-12-25T10:49:00.001-05:00

I have seen various scenarios that say how we ought to grow and signs that we are mature. I must say that I have not found any that really seem to click with me.

I have tried myself to devise a system or way to see if folks are getting more mature but they all seemed to break down under close scrutiny. Then this morning I had an insight. During worship at church it suddenly struck me that scripture tells us how to judge spiritual growth. The place to look is Galatians 5 where Paul contrasts the Fruit of the Flesh with the Fruit of the Spirit.

19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

It also struck me that the fruit of the flesh are all indications of a lack of peace or what we call "Emotional Reactivity" to situations and people that are greater than what is prudent. For example, a waiter spills a glass of water and some of it falls on me. What do I do as a result? An immature person will be Reactive and yell, curse, attack the waiter or threaten to sue the restaurant. A mature person will be Peaceful and reason with patience, long suffering and kindness.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

How to get People to say, "Merry Christmas"

2010-12-24T09:42:00.003-05:00

Despite the fact that over 80% of our citizens are Christians, many businesses, schools, government agencies and individuals are afraid to say, "Merry Christmas". Why would that be true? Have American lost their nerve?

The simple answer is, "YES!" Let's face it, there are many school teachers and school administrators who are acting stupidly about many things, but they are especially losing their minds about religious topics. All of these incidents are carried out in the name of "Separation of church and state".

The general public is ignorant about this topic and our news media make the ignorance worse by reporting things that are blatantly wrong, such as saying that this phrase is in the Constitution. This phrase was used by Thomas Jefferson to some Baptists in support of their right to practice their unique approach to Christianity as opposed to the state church in their colony.

But here is my suggestion for helping people get over their fear about saying "Merry Christmas". I was in the Spring Store yesterday getting a Bluetooth for my HTC EVO Phone. (Which I love!) One of the young men that helped me was Tony R. and he had a button on that said, "Don't hesitate to wish me a Merry Christmas!" I asked him where it came from and he said it was a gift from a lady and pointed out the name of the church she attended.

I squinted carefully and saw their name: "Crestview Presbyterian Church". Wow!. I know the church, the people and Pastor Alan Landis. If you get a chance to visit with them, ask for one of their badges. Next year I am going to order a bunch to give out to my courageous friends. Let me know if you want one.

Why Jews Love Christmas

2010-12-23T17:43:00.002-05:00

Michael M. Rosen

December 23, 2010 4:00 A.M.
Why This Orthodox Jew Loves Christmas Music
A Jewish American hails the season.

For me, an Orthodox Jew in 21st-century America, December truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

Yes, there’s Hanukkah and the family and community celebration it entails. And, sure, there’s winter vacation, the week or so between Christmas and New Year’s when the kids are home from school and my wife and I take time off from work.

But I really love December because it’s around then that my cable provider revives its “Sounds of the Seasons” music channel, which airs round-the-clock Christmas music through early January. Yes, I admit it: My name is Michael Rosen, and I love Christmas music.

Let me be clear: I am deeply proud of my faith, which I practice rigorously. While I genuinely respect the tenets of other creeds, I abhor religious syncretism of all sorts, and I have no desire to observe Christian holidays; the 20-plus yearly holidays on the Jewish calendar are plenty, thank you very much. And I profoundly loathe aggressive proselytizers of all stripes, especially those, like Jews for Jesus, that train their fire on me and my people.

Yet Christmas music exerts a strong emotional and intellectual influence over me every December, for three distinct reasons, in increasing order of importance: its musical beauty; its deep-seated American-ness; and, most importantly, its powerful message of religious tolerance.

The second, more important reason I delight in Christmas music derives from its distinctly American character. Here, it’s important to distinguish the strictly religious Christmas songs, such as “The First Noël,” “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” and “Come All Ye Faithful,” from the generic “winter season” tunes, such as “Sleigh Ride,” “Walking in a Winter Wonderland,” and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” These latter songs are as American as apple pie, expressing a seasonal commonality felt by all Americans, regardless of creed. Wintry themes such as snow, love, gifts, fires, and family offer something for everyone and remind us that Americans of varied faiths, ethnicities, and generations share much more than we think.

There’s no reason American Jews — even observant ones — can’t relate to these tunes. Indeed, as Marc Tracy and David Lehman have documented, many of the most famous of these wintry songs were written by Jewish composers, including Irving Berlin (“White Christmas”), Joan Ellen Javits and Phillip Springer (“Santa Baby”), Mel Tormé (“The Christmas Song”), and Sammy Cahn (“Let It Snow”).

And as Lehman ably explains in A Fine Romance (Nextbook, 222 pp.), his perceptive history of the influence of Jewish songwriters on the American musical catalog, “the Jewish element in American popular song is a property not only of the notes and chords but of the words as well, or, more exactly, the union between words and music.” Jewish songwriters absorbed and displayed a discerning understanding of American culture.

But the third and most significant reason I relish the Christmas canon pertains to the strongly religious nature of the spiritual songs. While I obviously don’t share the theology they express, the religious melodies provide a stark, visceral reminder of the Christian origins of the United States, and especially of the astoundingly warm welcome the early Americans extended to Jews because of, not in spite of, their Christian faith.

The pilgrims, of course, arrived on our continent while fleeing religious persecution and thus were highly sensitive to faith-based oppression. They also evinced a fierce devotion to the customs and history of the Hebrew people; one instance of this was the establishment, at Harvard and Yale, of Hebrew as a mandatory language. This love and tolerance deeply informed the First Amendment, guaranteeing Jews — among others — the right to freely exercise their religion in the absence of an established state faith.

In his famous 1790 letter to the Jews of Newport, R.I., George Washington expressed this fervent hope: “May the children of the Stock of Abraham, who dwell in this land, continue to merit and enjoy the good will of the other Inhabitants; while every one shall sit in safety under his own vine and fig tree, and there shall be none to make him afraid.” Washington’s encomium reflects God’s solemn promise to Abraham in Genesis 12:3 that “those who bless you, I shall bless, and those who curse you, I shall curse.” In other words, Washington’s devotion to his faith sparked his ardent desire to protect “the Stock of Abraham” in the new United States.

This sentiment reaches its full expression in my personal favorite of the religious songs: “O Holy Night.” (I especially enjoy the version performed by Josh Groban, whose father was born Jewish but converted to Episcopalianism.) The music, naturally, is exquisite, but the lyrics nicely illustrate the philosemitic tendencies of the Christmas canon. Composed and written by two 19th-century Frenchmen, the song, while distinctly Christian, is a paean to religious tolerance:

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

The song forthrightly acknowledges the religious obligation borne by all Christians to love the stranger, unchain the enslaved, and liberate the oppressed. It’s difficult to overstate the intellectual and emotional impact of such an approach on American Jews, whom the U.S. has welcomed with open, Christian arms. Thus, whenever I hear Christmas songs sung in English, I cannot help but swell with thankfulness that I’m allowed to freely practice my faith in such an extraordinary country, where, notwithstanding the caterwauling of extreme activists, (almost) all oppression has ceased.

Would that this tolerance were the norm around the world. Nowadays, where Christianity flourishes, Judaism thrives. But where secularism reigns, and where Islamism prevails, Jews find themselves under assault. Europe, home to the world’s largest Jewish population for centuries, has rapidly become the least hospitable place for Jewish communities to take root, as secular values and assertive Muslim populations have advanced. Tragically, oppression is on the march on the very continent that midwifed “O Holy Night.” Even here in the U.S., residents of San Francisco, the most secular of American big cities, now seek to ban circumcision.

So I take nothing for granted when it comes to religious tolerance, and I’m grateful for the musical reinforcement I receive every December. Do I get strange looks from passersby on the streets of (mostly WASPy) La Jolla when, wearing my yarmulke, I’m whistling “O come let us adore him, Christ the Lord”? Absolutely. But such are the wages of being Jewish in America in the modern era. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

— Michael M. Rosen is an attorney and writer in San Diego. Reach him at michaelmrosen@yahoo.com.

Christ is and has always been in America's Christmas

2010-12-22T16:48:00.004-05:00

I loved this note from Bill Federer of the Ohio Christian Alliance
December 22

In the Battle of the Bulge- Nazis amassed three armies for an enormous attack against the Allies in the Ardennes Forest and soon surrounded the 101 Airborne Division in southern Belgium, demanding their surrender.

U.S. General Anthony McAuliffe answered in one word: "Nuts."

This response confused the Nazi commander, causing him to hesitate.

Marching to the rescue was the U.S. Third Army, but it was hindered due to bad weather. General Patton directed Chaplain O'Neill to compose a prayer for his 250,000 troops to pray:

"Almighty and most merciful Father, we humbly beseech Thee, of Thy great goodness, to restrain these immoderate rains... Hearken to us as soldiers who call upon Thee...Establish Thy justice among men and nations."

The weather cleared and the Allies counterattacked.

In his order, DECEMBER 22, 1944, General Eisenhower stated:

"By rushing out from his fixed defenses the enemy may give us the chance to turn his great gamble into his worst defeat. So I call upon every man, of all the Allies, to rise now to new heights of courage...With unshakable faith in the cause for which we fight, we will, with God's help, go forward to our greatest victory."

Two days later President Franklin Roosevelt stated:

"It is not easy to say 'Merry Christmas' to you, my fellow Americans, in this time of destructive war... We will celebrate this Christmas Day in our traditional American way...because the teachings of Christ are fundamental in our lives...the story of the coming of the immortal Prince of Peace."

Pray for our troops serving on foreign fields in inclement weather this Christmas. May God's hand be upon them and their families.

President and staff of the Ohio Christian Alliance

Why Church Conflict? Readers Respond

2010-12-19T11:39:00.003-05:00

Cheri Russell Eresman wrote on my Face Book.

Gary, when I was young we attended a Baptist church that went through some kind of big split. I was young enough at the time that I have no idea what caused the split. What I do remember is men fist fighting in the middle of a Sunday morning service! My sister was so traumatized that it totally turned her off church for a long time.

I have heard of similarly outrageous stories all my life but I never saw a fist fight in church. In fact, the Baptist church I grew up in was pretty even keeled and peaceful, for the most part.

But this kind of activity indicates just how immature so many of us Christians really are. The main message of Jesus was about love, forgiveness, kindness,peace and patience. I Corinthians 13 says:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

Children are jealous and envious so when they can't get what they want they fight.

James 3 says

17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.

Immaturity. We are still like small, angry children. What is the answer?

Church Conflict

2010-12-19T00:05:00.004-05:00

Write me with your anonymous stories of the most awful stories about church conflict you can remember. e mail is on web page.

I was asked to leave a church in 1969. The Pastor and Deacons called me into a "meeting" with them to discuss certain allegations of my bad behavior. When I got there I was confronted with a list of bad behavior that, in my view, was not bad at all. In fact, I was rather happy with what I did and they agreed with me that I did what they said but it was "splitting the church".

Karen and I were Sunday school teachers of the College and Career Class in a church on the far west side of Cincinnati. Can you imagine what I was doing that they disliked and I was very happy about? This behavior was so bad, in their view, that they wanted me to leave the church.

My behavior would be considered to be positive today but back then it was thought to be terrible. Want to guess what it was? Write your comments here or on Face Book.

Gotta Read This

2010-12-18T17:54:00.002-05:00

The blog, Hope Abigail is a heart breaker and a place of faith, hope and love.

Old Fashioned Christmas

2010-12-18T08:52:00.001-05:00

'Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch
The pond was froze over & so was the branch.
The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
The kids were all home on vacation from school,
And happier young folks you never did see-
Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.
Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,
There came a surprise that gave them a shock!
The power went off, the TV went dead!
When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.
"Just what I expected," they heard him remark.
"Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago."
"I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light,
And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."
The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,
Uncased his old fiddle & started to play
That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
Mom started to sing, & 1st thing they knew
Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.
They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"
Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.
They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,
The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;
And when the kids wakened, the power was on..
"The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"
Said Grandpa - & no one suspected his trick.
Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!
-anonymous

The Answer to Church Conflict?

2010-12-16T21:28:00.003-05:00

Just as I prepared to write some more about church conflicts I received a letter from Van Cochrane, Pastor of the Vineyard Church Northwest in Cincinnati. I think Van has covered some of the main reasons why we have so much conflict in many congregations; too much about our control and too little about the control of the Holy Spirit.

My Friend Thom makes some of the same points in his comment about the last post. Be sure to read his insights. Now take a look at Van's letter.

Hi everyone,

It's hard to believe it's been this long, but close to 30 years ago Laurie and I sang in a Christmas Cantata. It's hard to believe, but I sang one of the tenor parts. I was a little miffed that I didn't get a solo, but oh well. One part of the cantata has always stuck in my mind - "and when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son. Born of a virgin..." I can still hear the melody in my mind. That line was based on Galatians 4:4, not always seen as a Christmas passage - yet it is. And it's a powerful presentation of the of the Gospel message. Take a moment to read through it slowly. Ask God to speak to you. Listen.

But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir. Galatians 4:4-7 NIV

He came to free us from the power of the law.
He came to make us full sons and daughters of God.
He came to release the Holy Spirit to indwell us.
He came so we could know our heavenly Father.
He came to share His inheritance with us.

Take another moment to read the passage. Which of these blessings is God speaking to you about right now? Thank God for it right now!

The past few weeks I've been listing some of our foundational values for the presence and power of the Holy Spirit in our church today. In addition to 1-4, here are numbers 5 and 6 this week.

1. First and foremost we are a church that believes in the present day power of God released to and through all those who embrace the Gospel of Christ, because this is what the Bible teaches.
2. We believe that people need to experience God the Holy Spirit in a felt way in order to move into the fullness of all God calls us to be, because that is what we see in the Bible.
3. We believe that the gifts of the Holy Spirit when properly exercised release the power of God to reveal the Kingdom of God, including the gift of tongues as a prayer language for many believers according to the Bible.
4. We believe that God is speaking today to His people, that learning to discern God's voice is a critical part of Christian maturity to be pursued by all believers, and that pursuing God's voice is part of full maturity in Christ, because the Bible teaches this.

5. We believe that all mature Christians should, first among other things, be prepared and equipped to engage in prayer ministry and under the leading of the Holy Spirit to welcome in the KOG (God's presence, power, and rule) because that is what the Bible teaches - Luke 9:1-2; 24:46-49; Acts 1:8; 2:4 & 17.

6. We believe that prophetic gifting is alive in the church today; that it is to be pursued above all other gifts, and that all believers are able to operate in some level of prophetic gifting through the Holy Spirit, because the Bible teaches this.
Acts 2:17-21; I Corinthians 14:1-5; 24-25.

Van

Church Conflict! Why?

2010-12-16T10:45:00.005-05:00

Have you heard this small joke?

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific Island for years. Finally one day a boat came into view and the man frantically waved to draw the skipper's attention. The boat draws near the island and a sailor got out and greets the stranded man.

After a while the sailor asked the man, "What are those three huts you have here?"

Man: "Well, that's my house there."

Sailor: "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.

Man: "I built that hut to be my church."

Sailor: "What about the other hut?"

Man: "Oh, that's where I used to go to church, but I got mad at the preacher and all those hypocrites left."

Did you laugh? I did. Why is that story funny? Maybe because it is too true.

For the past several decades I have consulted with a coached many people with positions of leadership in Christian organizations. Some have been Clergy who graduated from seminary and others are Elders, business people and volunteers. All in all, few are experts in experiencing conflict but most are unprepared to deal effectively to manage the conflict.

Over the years I have seen a lot of Pastors and Leaders who are burned out, traumatized and discouraged by the amount of toxic relationships at church. Why is there so much conflict in God's Families? Which of the following do you think is the most frequent or important cause of toxic conflict?

1. Because the Pastors and Leaders offend the people.
2. The Leaders do not know how to relate well with people.
3. The leaders are ignorant of the Bible.
4. The personalities of the Leaders are bad.
5. The sins of the Leaders.
6. The sins of the members and lay board.
7. The devil makes us do it.
8. The people are dysfunctional.
9. The members are spoiled and refuse to follow God's word.
10. Add your own.....

Next: Church fights!

Communication and Influence

2010-12-14T21:40:00.003-05:00

Some of the readers of this blog are in the business of communication. I, for one, speak to individuals, small groups and large groups on a regular basis. Last Sunday I spoke to our small church family on, "Why Did Jesus Come to Earth?". It was intended to be a talk with very important implications and a serious purpose. Plus, I wanted to help our people get a clearer picture of the purpose of Jesus and Christmas in the midst of a society dripping with false messages about Jesus and His birth.

What could I do to accomplish these weighty goals? I do not know if I did make my goals or not. However, I go sometimes to The Decker Blog to improve my communication skills. This is one of the best blogs I read and I strongly recommend it to you.

On the latest blog you will find a run down of what the Decker Company thinks are the Top and Bottom Communicators in the world. Read it and let me know what you think.

The Rise in Kids with a Disability

2010-12-13T21:38:00.004-05:00

There is no question that there is a dramatic rise in the number of children given a diagnosis by a health care professional. But, we all question why because the numbers seem so radically high. Here are some questions we need to ask.

1. Are more kids really being born with a disability?

2. Is diagnosis better today than in the past?

3. Are we calling behaviors illnesses today that we did not in the recent past?

4. Is it a hoax?

What do you think?

Grace Not Works Works in Life

2010-12-13T13:17:00.002-05:00

“The main thing we learn from a serious attempt to practice the Christian virtues is that we fail. If there was any idea that God had set us a sort of exam and that we might get good marks by deserving them, that has to be wiped out. If there was any idea of a sort of bargain—any idea that we could perform our side of the contract and thus put God in our debts so that it was up to Him to perform His side—that has to be wiped out….everyone has the idea of an exam or of a bargain; the first result of real Christianity is to blow that to bits.”

CS Lewis

Gracedagain is compiled by Tom Wood, Church Multiplication Ministries, a non-profit, whose mission is starting, strengthening, multiplying grace-centered churches through consults and coaching church planting pastors, leaders and emerging leaders.

With SSI program, a legacy of unintended side effects - The Boston Globe

2010-12-12T17:02:00.000-05:00

With SSI program, a legacy of unintended side effects - The Boston Globe

Many studies indicate a severe over use of medications with children. It appears that medications are especially over used with poor kids.

Religious Practice Makes us Healthier

2010-12-12T16:37:00.003-05:00

Religion can be good for your health, and especially your mental health, according to the latest studies, which show that church-goers are happier and more satisfied with their lives than those who don't attend services. But what exactly is it about religion that is so beneficial to health?

Some might argue that it is the power of faith in a being or power beyond ourselves. But according to a study led by Chaeyoon Lim, a sociology professor at University of Wisconsin-Madison, the reason religion makes us happy may have more to do with friends than with faith.

Using data from the Faith Matters Study, a survey of U.S. adults conducted in 2006 and 2007, Lim and his colleagues found that 33% of those who attended religious services every week and reported having close friends at church said they were extremely satisfied with their lives, while only 19% of those who went to church but had no close connections to the congregation reported the same satisfaction.

As Lim noted in a statement describing his findings:

“To me, the evidence substantiates that it is not really going to church and listening to sermons or praying that makes people happier, but making church-based friends and building intimate social networks there.”

The results support the idea that friends and acquaintances can have a powerful, even contagious effect on our health. In other work conducted by Dr. Nicholas Christakis at Harvard Medical School and John Fowler of University of California, San Diego, it's clear that our social network, regardless of how close or distant we are to the people in them, can influence our health. Christakis and Fowler showed that even people separated from you by up to three degrees can influence your weight, your happiness, or even whether you quit smoking or are prone to loneliness.

A version of that idea of social connectedness may explain Lim's findings, which were consistent across Protestant, evangelical and Catholic religions; they applied to Mormons and Jewish believers as well, despite their smaller sample size in the study. Lim stresses that the sense of community that religion promotes is an important part of helping people to feel involved and worthwhile, and therefore may contribute to an overall sense of happiness.

My response to the article and research.

For the last forty years of my Counseling practice I have read such research and continue to be involved in both research and religious practice. These authors are making a fatal mistake in splitting the social aspect from the faith/belief dimension of religious/spiritual practices. Although faith is often portrayed as "the Placebo Effect" it rises when one is involved in spiritual practice and or religious practices.

For many years those of us in Psychology and Counseling have seen that there are four "Common Factors" that are always involved in producing positive outcomes from Counseling. They are: 1. The Intervention of the Counselor; 2. The faith/Hope of the Client that the Treatment will be effective; 3. The caring relationship of the Helper; 4. Outside factors of personal motivation and social/family support.

When those "Common Factors" are applied to religious/spiritual activities, and they can be easily applied, we can see the same influences. We see that the 1. Interventions of a specific religious/spiritual teaching has some effect; 2. The faith/Hope of the Parishioner that God/Faith/Church attendance will be positive; 3. That the caring relationship between the member and the church is positive; and 4. That the at home social network affirms and supports the chosen spiritual/religious practices.

These researchers do not seem to adequately assess all the factors or at least to not differentiate them in this article. By choosing an either or dyadic answer they confuse the several important factors that must exist.

WE, of course, do not deny the critical importance of social support. In fact, it is crucial to mental, emotional and spiritual health. However, some research with AIDS patients indicate an increase in the quality of life of patients even when they do NOT attend meetings.

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2010/12/12/religions-secret-to-happiness-its-friends-not-faith/#ixzz17w4r9A6k

One of my Favorite Presidents Reads the Bible

2010-12-12T00:11:00.001-05:00

Truman, December 24th, 1949

Since returning home, I have been reading again in our family Bible some of the passages which foretold this night. . . . We miss the spirit of Christmas if we consider the Incarnation as an indistinct and doubtful, far-off event unrelated to our present problems. We miss the purport of Christ’s birth if we do not accept it as a living link which joins us together in spirit as children of the ever-living and true God. In love alone – the love of God and the love of man – will be found the solution of all the ills which afflict the world today.

Harry Truman Celebrates Christian Love on Christmas

2010-12-12T00:08:00.001-05:00

Truman, December 24th, 1945

This is the Christmas that a war-weary world has prayed for through long and awful years. . . . We meet in the spirit of the first Christmas, when the midnight choir sang the hymn of joy: “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” Let us not forget that the coming of the Savior brought a time of long peace to the Roman World. . . . From the manger of Bethlehem came a new appeal to the minds and hearts of men: “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another.” . . . Would that the world would accept that message in this time of its greatest need! . . . We must strive without ceasing to make real the prophecy of Isaiah: “They shall beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning-hooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.” In this day, whether it be far or near, the Kingdoms of this world shall become indeed the Kingdom of God and He will reign forever and ever, Lord of Lords and King of Kings.

Keep Christ in Christmas

2010-12-12T00:07:00.001-05:00

FDR, December 24th, 1944 (Following D-Day)

Here, at home, we will celebrate this Christmas Day in our traditional American way – because of its deep spiritual meaning to us; because the teachings of Christ are fundamental in our lives; and because we want our youngest generation to grow up knowing the significance of this tradition and the story of the coming of the immortal Prince of Peace and Good Will. [He then led in a prayer for the troops] We pray that with victory will come a new day of peace on earth in which all the Nations of the earth will join together for all time. That is the spirit of Christmas, the holy day. May that spirit live and grow throughout the world in all the years to come.

Bible Reading President of USA

2010-12-11T23:53:00.004-05:00

Would you like to hear our President read the Bible during a radio and TV broadcast from the Oval Office? I would but in these days of extreme Political Correctness I am not holding my breath. Yet, not too long ago it was a regular event. Read this statement.

By the President of the United States of America
A Proclamation

In this year of liberation, which has seen so many millions freed from tyrannical rule, it is fitting that we give thanks with special fervor to our Heavenly Father for the mercies we have received individually and as a nation and for the blessings He has restored, through the victories of our arms and those of our allies, to His children in other lands.

For the preservation of our way of life from the threat of destruction; for the unity of spirit which has kept our Nation strong; for our abiding faith in freedom; and for the promise of an enduring peace, we should lift up our hearts in thanksgiving.

For the harvest that has sustained us and, in its fullness, brought succor to other peoples; for the bounty of our soil, which has produced the sinews of war for the protection of our liberties; and for a multitude of private blessings, known only in our hearts, we should give united thanks to God.

To the end that we may bear more earnest witness to our gratitude to Almighty God, I suggest a nationwide reading of the Holy Scriptures during the period from Thanksgiving Day to Christmas. Let every man of every creed go to his own version of the Scriptures for a renewed and strengthening contact with those eternal truths and majestic principles which have inspired such measure of true greatness as this nation has achieved.

Now, Therefore, I, Franklin D. Roosevelt, President of the United States of America, in consonance with the joint resolution of the Congress approved December 26, 1941, do hereby proclaim Thursday the twenty-third day of November 1944 a day of national thanksgiving; and I call upon the people of the United States to observe it by bending every effort to hasten the day of final victory and by offering to God our devout gratitude for His goodness to us and to our fellow men.

In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the seal of the United States of America to be affixed.

DONE at the City of Washington this first day of November in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and forty-four and of the Independence of the United States of America the one hundred and sixty-ninth.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT

Innovation and Helping People in Need

2010-12-08T15:59:00.005-05:00

For decades we at Sweeten Life Systems has been on the cutting edge of developing creative and cost effective ways to care, counsel and support needy people. I did a Doctoral Research study in 1975 on ways to train Pastors and their Lay People to provide care for the elderly, shut ins, people with serious diseases and those suffering from depression, anxiety and other emotional distress.

The results have been extremely innovative and have spread virally around the world, especially areas that are too poor to pay for Professional Medical and Psychological assistance. We did this by analyzing carefully the felt needs of average families and developing assessments to differentiate those that need Professional help from those who Can benefit most from Peer and Para-Professional Support. In other words, who could benefit most from free First Aid types of assistance and who needed expensive Professional Care?

One reason that Medical costs are soaring is because so many people who could benefit greatly from a free or low cost visit with a well trained First Aid Worker go instead to a very costly, highly trained and much in demand Professional Doctor, Nurse, Psychologist or Psychiatrist and are given very costly medications.

My plan does not neglect or fight against seeing a highly trained Professional. I am one myself, and I founded an in-patient hospital unit and still oversee a large outpatient clinic staffed with Psychiatrists, Counselors and Nurses. We have seen wonderful healings and changes over the years but not everyone that is hurting can afford to see a Professional not needs to see one.

What I have done in a large Cincinnati church and expanded to the USA and the world through my not for profits is to teach others how to do the assessments to discover which persons need and can afford Professional Helper and who could benefit from seeing a Peer Helper. Then we teach them how to serve those people with effectiveness. In this way we greatly expand the number of Helpers who are skilled in "Psychological First Aid" expanding rare Care and Counsel to thousands of needy people who rarely if ever get any emotional and spiritual support from anyone.

Few persons in Third World countries can find or afford or need a Professional Helper. If we waited to care until a Psychologist/Social Worker/Counselor was well trained and available free, help would never arrive. I received emails and letters weekly from the far flung regions of the world telling me how much they have learned, grown and benefited from our ministry.

Since we teach "Each equipping center to reach one more equipping center we have great, great grand children we have never met training Peer Care Givers to expand and train others. We are using the cutting edge research processes used so effectively by P&G to find out what people's needs are and what to do to help them.

We put that together with the command Jesus gave just before He rose into heaven to "Go make disciples of every nation". His methods are our methods and they work because He came to "Heal the broken hearted and set the captives free" and to do that we need millions of disciples/students.

How to Love with Words

2010-12-08T00:50:00.003-05:00

If you want to learn how to influence others read the book Steve Griebling and I wrote a few years ago called, Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty. It is shown on this page but you need to go to our web sweetenlife.com to download it. It is free but we ask for a donation if you are able to donate something.

Why are Relationships Important?

2010-12-08T00:30:00.003-05:00

Does this post title sound ridiculous? Do you think everyone believes that caring relationships are better than bad relationships? I suppose most people would SAY they embrace and affirm warm, caring relationships but in the real world we don't act that way.

I admit that I often wince when I watch TV political talk shows or listen to radio talk shows. I especially wince when the person that is going on and on is mean spirited and callous. They may think their cruel statements are motivational but they are not.

I am even more upset when I hear or read about people claiming to be Christian Ministers or Christian Leaders whose language and actions are contrary to that which the Bible commands. The Bible clearly says, "Let nothing come out of your mouth that does not build people up." Yet, words from the pulpit are often not up-building or gracious.

I have sometimes tried to encourage my friends with a dragon tongue to change their language about people with whom they disagree. It is a very difficult task but if there is an opening I attempt to share what the Bible says about love, kindness and patience.

I know of one instance when I was successful. A group of us were discussing the Florida man who claimed to be a minister but was threatening to burn a Koran. One commentator quoted the Bible incorrectly to say that Jesus would have killed a Muslim if one had come to Him. I wrote back and mentioned that there were no Muslims until 700 A.D. so suggesting that Jesus had such an attitude toward Muslims was bogus. Second, I mentioned the times that Jesus told us to love our enemies let alone an outsider. The man wrote back and said he was wrong and would never attack Muslims again.

In Matthew 5, Jesus said:

21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister[b][c] will be subject to judgment.

Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’[d] is answerable to the court.

And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

As I read these passages I am struck forcefully by Jesus' warning not to attack another person in anger, bitterness and character assassination. The wages of this kind of sin are still the same today as they were in the time of Jesus.

Drug Company Greed Puts Kids at Risk

2010-12-04T17:53:00.003-05:00

Friends,

I am on an international discussion group with other Therapists and we are very concerned about the use of medications with children. Take a close look at this talk by Dr. Barry Duncan to the Vatican Conference.

By Rita Fitch
Catholic News Service

VATICAN CITY – The Catholic Church may be the only organization that can counter the corporate greed fueling the over-prescribing of harmful psychiatric drugs to children and young people, said Dr. Barry Duncan, a clinical psychologist and director of the Heart and Soul of Change Project.

Flawed methodologies in research and a drastic minimization of actual risks make the cited efficiency and safety of these drugs untrustworthy, he told a meeting of the Pontifical Council for Health Care Ministry.

And clinical trial evidence on psychiatric drugs is often skewed by conflicts of interests, particularly when trials are funded by the drug industry or when the studies are conducted by people who are paid consultants of the company under review, Duncan told the Nov. 18-19 meeting.

He said because of the church’s broad networking capabilities and international influence, it “may be the only power on earth that can counter the forces of corporate greed that have no moral or ethical conscience.”

He called on religious orders, Catholic schools, hospitals, medical associations, media and parishes to become informed and help children and families discover alternatives to psychiatric medications as well as help them have real input when discussing the risks and benefits of such medication.

Duncan spoke Nov.19 on “The Question of the Use of Psychiatric Pharmaceuticals in Pediatrics” during the conference, and he spoke about his findings in a separate meeting Nov. 18 with Cardinal Ennio Antonelli, president of the Pontifical Council for the Family.

Duncan told the conference that the United States leads the world in the number of psychiatric prescriptions to young people and that the trend to resort to anti-psychotics before or in lieu of social and behavioral therapy is on the rise in Europe.

Most disturbing, he said, is that poor children in the United States, particularly those in foster care or on Medicaid, are four times more likely to be prescribed anti-psychotic drugs and six times more likely to be treated with a number of different psychotropic medications.

Poor children are also “vulnerable to dangerous drugs used as interventions of control rather than therapy,” he said.

Clinical evidence does not support the practice of prescribing pharmaceutical drugs as a first response to behavioral or psychiatric issues, he said, not only because of the drugs’ questionable long-term effectiveness, but also for the risk of serious health consequences, dependence and disability.

“The belief in the power of chemistry over church, community, social and psychological process – fueled by unprecedented promotion from the drug industry that targets all players in health care – forms the basis of pharmacology’s growing centrality in treatment, research, training and practice,” he said.

Children have no voice, and they rely on adult judgments and decisions for their well-being, he added.

Families, pastoral workers, pediatricians and health professionals “need access to accurate data - to the truth untainted by corporate influence,” Duncan said.

Nov 19, 2010

Don't jump to the conclusion that medication is a miracle cure. It is not. Gary Sweeten

The Care and Cure of Souls

2010-12-04T17:11:00.001-05:00

When I first went onto a staff of a very large church as a "Full Time Minister" the Rev. Bob Strain was the Minister of Pastoral Care. Historically that position has been responsible for "The Care and Cure of Souls".

Think about that description. When does a person need someone to "Care and Cure" their eternal soul? Well, in some ways, we always need those functions but there are times when my souls is especially needy and desirous of care and other times it is in desperate need of cure. Many large churches of today have eliminated that position and I am sorry to see it go.

I once heard a wag note that the souls is never more in need of care than when we are lying flat on our backs and looking up at the ceiling. Over the past few years I have been sent to the hospital with a life threatening issue, usually my heart. I remember one night my wife took me to Bethesda North Hospital with chest pains and I was extremely anxious. Chest pains can be indicative of heart attack and my anxiety rose to dangerous heights. But because I know that anxiety actually causes our blood pressure to rise, it makes an attack more likely.

A trip to the emergency room alone is anxiety provoking but the cold, callous, uncaring welcoming of patients by the staff further provokes worry, fear and panic. The Bethesda staff was no help to me emotionally or spiritually. They appeared only to concern themselves with my insurance card and whether I could pay for my treatment. This angered me and caused me to wonder if they were able to treat me effectively. I needed hope at that point and what I received was hopelessness.

Then it happened. A man with whom I had been working came in the room and said, "Hi, Gary. What are you doing here?" At the same moment he came over and hugged me where upon I broken into tears of release and relief. MY anxiety dropped and my hope rose dramatically. "He said, I am in the Chaplain Training Program here and we just had a class. Let me pray for you."

The clerk looked at him and me in a disapproving manner because she wanted my full attention as she did an X Ray of my wallet. We ignored her and he prayed. What a wonderful, beautiful moment of caring and curing of my soul.

When does a person need someone to "Care and Cure" their eternal soul? Well, in some ways, we always need those functions but there are times when my souls is especially needy and desirous of care and other times it is in desperate need of cure.

Bob was a solid Christian, a wonderful man and a caring person who visited the sick, cared for the troubled soul and preached many funerals. Historically that position has been responsible for "The Care and Cure of Souls". I see that position as one of the most important in the church because it allows someone to focus all his attention on the members when they were most in need of care, compassion and wisdom.

As we interviewed the parents of children with serious disabilities we discovered that most had few if any visits of a member of the Pastoral staff to Care for their troubled souls. There is no doubt in my mind that the birth a child with a severe disability is a severe stress on the parents and family members souls. The church seems to be unaware of the need for Pastoral Care or ignore the opportunity to minister to the parents' souls.

Several of our parents had children of six to ten years old and had never received a visit from a Pastor or Lay Pastor and had never received prayer for the child or their spiritual needs. This speaks of a tragic flaw in the Pastoral Care of a congregation.

The parents we asked did not want much. They do not want the Pastors to do miracles or jump through hoops. They simply want someone to listen and to pray. Oh, sure, it would be nice if the church also helped with simple household tasks. But prayer and compassion are the #1. request but the church is absent and silent.

No Care and No Cure of the Members' Souls.