Growing in Christ

Go to my sweeten life web page for teachings and videos on building great relationships.

Differences, Conflict and Divorce

The number of children being reared in one parent homes is a national crisis. Divorce leads to a feeling of rejection in the children, poverty for the mother and her kids and a lifetime of misery for most of the adults affected.

This post will focus on the main causes of divorce and what we can do about curing those causes. A few posts ago I talked about the research of Dr. John Gottman, a Psychologist that has spent decades trying to unravel the answer of couple failure. He is pretty sure he has gotten great, applicable insights into why most people divorce and what can keep them together.

The big reason folks do not stay together is an inability to deal effectively with difference between them. The differences do not have to be big or important. It is not the name or type of difference but the style of handling them that counts.

I have often seen lists from therapists and preachers offering the biggest reasons people divorce. They usually include sex, money, in-laws and so on. But according to Dr. Gottman, it is not the content but the process that gets people in trouble. For example, in his research he hooks a couple up to a brain wave machine and asks them to discuss a common activity of the family. Some choose a movie to see, a trip to the zoo or when to have sex. Then he observes what they DO and how they do it.

If the couple handles the discussion of differences in one of three ways, Gottman says they will live together for years. However, if they habitually choose a toxic approach, he thinks they have a very high likelihood of separation and divorce. Some partners never argue but stop the discussion whenever feelings get raw. That marriage will likely last.

Other couples talk every though and feeling thought carefully with great detail and do not get upset. This is the style usually recommended by counselors. However, it is not the only successful style. They will probably stay together.

The third style is feisty and volatile but not attacking. they will make it.

Here is the toxic, divorce producing style: Attack and Hurt Your Partner. Putting each other down, criticism or contempt is a series of ways we can lose our partner.

Next time we will look at the various styles of attack and how to stop them.

Power Thinking

Taking charge of your mind can lead to new habits of thinking and a new sense of peace. One of our Foundational Equipping classes helps believers apply a well known passage of scripture. I grew up in a church that believed in the Bible from genesis to maps and that included the index for some. But we all had a problem; none of us knew how to apply the biblical principles in real life.
For example, I heard this Bible verse of Jesus being quoted a lot. Preachers loved to bear down on it and used it to urge us to memorize the Bible. You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free! John 8:32
Any strong Bible based preacher can go off on that verse for a number of sermon topics. They can wend their way up the mountain of holiness and righteous living and right back down the valley of despair and sin. They would be able to tell us horror stories and tales of tragedy to show us what happens when people fail to understand the truth. The truth was should we run into any problem or temptations in life Bible memorization would be our escape hatch. We would rise and sing…

The B-I-B-L-E
That’s the book for me!
I stand alone on the word of God
The B-I-B-L-E!

Let me say before wandering off the subject that I agree with this verse and believe it points us to enormous power for healing, deliverance and freedom. But one thing was unfortunately left out of most preachers’ teaching: It is not enough to memorize the truth; we must also learn how to experience and apply the truth.

The term TRUTH in this passage is used in the Bible to mean sexual intercourse that led to pregnancy. When the scripture says that Abraham “knew” his wife Sarah, it does NOT mean that he read a book about her or even that he memorized hr vital statistics.

In the same way, to KNOW the truth means to experience, live in and apply the truth. In fact, the context of this verse says that Jesus is talking about more than Bible memory. Verse 31: “If you abide in my word you are truly my disciples”. Abide is to live in and feed on my word like a branch on a vine. Christianity and Christian truth are living, vital, growing and impacting. They are not static!

How Does One Know the Truth?

I was not taught much about how to abide in the truth. Jesus is The Way, The Truth and The Light! But I never heard anyone suggest a way to actually abide on Christ until I was an adult of 30 years. At this time I am going to share a simple but difficult way to start abiding in The Truth.

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ROMANS 12:1

It is a remarkable thing to read that St. Paul considers true worship to be offering our work, our fellowship and play as well as our romantic lives to God daily. What happened to the notion that reading the Bible, attending church and evangelizing our neighbors was real worship? He destroys it in one sentence. The he says something else that challenges our way of thinking.

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ROMANS 12:2

This focus on our mind seems secular, fleshly and sinful to a lot of Christians. Aren’t we supposed to forget the mind, stop thinking and going to school and be spiritual? Nope. Just the opposite. Give our mind and our brain to worship God all day every day.

Most of us need some simple, easily remembered principles to follow if we are really going to break old habits and start new ones. In order to start a diet and lose weight I need to stop old ways of eating and start new habits. The same is true of thinking patterns. We have developed very strong habits about the ways we think about life from the world around us. As St. Paul says, “Stop thinking like the world and start thinking like Jesus.

For example, the Bible exhorts us to remember that we can have perfectly developed peace if we keep our minds focused on Jesus. Many people were reared to have anxious thoughts and fearful ways of thinking that lead them to have sleepless nights and harried days. The answer is to focus on the love and presence of God and stop worrying, but that is quite difficult and may take months to accomplish.
What is an Emotion?

Emotions have four parts. So, when I feel nervous, anxious and fearful for no reason we must analyze what is causing the worry so we can change it and find perfect peace. Here is the secret: Are you ready to see it? The four parts of Feelings are:

Activating Events
Belief System
Consequential Feelings
Decisive Behavior

There are two of these that I cannot change directly and two parts I can change directly. I cannot change external Activating Events. When the Middle Eastern Muslim nations began to flare up many people got very worried. The Muslim revolts are Acts that I cannot change. When I think and ruminate on how awful that is and what will happen to oil prices I think of higher prices and how much money it will cost to drive and those thoughts make me worried. Because I was worried I stopped driving so much. The Activating Events (Revolts) did not make me worried but my Beliefs about the Events did make me worried. And, the Feelings caused me to stop driving and that was a Decisive Behavior.

A=Revolts in the Middle East
B=This will cause higher gas prices
C= Fear, Worry, Anxiety
D= Stop driving so much

The Bible is the most powerful book on psychology and behavior ever written. I am forever amazed at how insightful and healing it is to know and follow the Bible. The key is to know and apply the truth that sets us free. For more on how to “Take every thought captive to the mind of Christ" watch a video where Cyndi Wineinger and I teach the basic components of Power Thinking. It is all in the "How to Have a Peaceful Heart in a Stressful World” video. Our notes for the video are also available.

So, taking charge of your mind can lead to new habits of thinking and peace.

Building a Better Relationship with God

Building a lifetime of great relationships

This means our ongoing relationship with God as well as with self and our neighbors. On Monday night, February 28 we will have a workshop on Spiritual Disciplines or "How to build a better relationship with God". I hope we can see you there and build a relationship with you as well as God.

Preparation for the workshop.

“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.” – Colossians 1:9

Following his graduation from Boston University in 1923, Raymond Edman arrived in Ecuador as a missionary. Two years later, the 25 year old American had contracted a rare tropical disease and was dying. He was so near death that the villagers had already dug his grave. His wife dyed her dress black for his funeral. He had great beads of sweat on his brow and there was a death rattle in his throat. But one night, he suddenly sat straight up in bed and said to his wife, "Bring me my clothes!" Nobody knew what had happened to cause this miraculous change of events.

Edman recovered and eventually became the president of Wheaton College.

Many years after his time in Ecuador, he was retelling the story in Boston. Afterward, a lady with a small, dog-eared, beaten-up book, approached him and asked, "What day did you say you were dying? What time was it in Ecuador? What time would it be in Boston?" When he answered her, her wrinkled face lit up. Pointing to her book, she said, "There it is, you see? At 2 a.m. God said to get up and pray - the devil's trying to kill Raymond Edman in Ecuador." And she'd gotten up and prayed.

Don’t just pray once for someone, keep on praying for them. Today in prayer, lift up to the Lord someone who needs your prayers.

“Pray often.” – John Bunyan

God’s Word: “I thank God, whom I serve, as my forefathers did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers.” – 2 Timothy 1:3

What is in your prayer journal? Dreams, visions, words, answers? What might be added Saturday?

Shalom,

Gary Sweeten

See Sweeten Life Systems for more resources.

Contact the Lifeway Health Initiative to register.

Hiders, Fighters and Lovers in Marriage

Building a lifetime of great relationships.

Dr. John Gottman has done research with couples for almost three decades. He has focused a lot of his studies on how couples deal with differences between them. And, there are many differences between them.

He has concluded several things but allow me to mention one. Gottman is convinced that a couple can manage their differences in three positive ways and one very toxic and dangerous way. The three healthy ways lead to long term marriages of satisfaction and functionality but the toxic process almost inevitably leads to divorce.

I. Some couples deal with differences and the conflict they cause by Avoiding each other and the topic of disagreement until things cool down. They says things such as, "Our marriage is so much more important than any small difference of opinion".

In one family, the man would go down to his workshop and the wife would sew. They might never mention the conflict again but simply stay committed to each other despite the difference.

II. Other couples are Volatile and like to argue. They disagree all the time and argue about many small, insignificant issues. However, the arguments do not get personal. They tend to stay focused on the details of the disagreement not the personal characteristics of their mate.

III. Lastly is the style that a lot of Counselors and Relationship Coaches suggest. It can be called, "the Lovers Style" because they talk everything through and share all their feelings and thoughts until they agree. This style eshausts every topic until there is little left to say.

What style did your parents use to disagree? Did they like to hide their disagreements by going to the workroom or kitchen until it blew over? Or did the like to dialogue about things in a deeply sharing manner? Some of your parents liked to keep things interesting and exciting by arguments.

Fill in this blank: My parents dealt with disagreements by _____________.

How about you and your spouse? We handle disagreements by _______________.

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