Marriage for Thanksgiving

Today is November 21, 2009 and it is 48 years after Karen Judy Mayer and I said, "I do!" Karen and I had known each other for a few months when we decided to marry. It is popular for counselors and "experts" to insist that people date for a long time and really get to know each other before tying the knot. In fact, some even suggest that living together for a year or so before marriage will really cement things. The research data indicates otherwise. People who live together "without benefit of clergy" are most likely to divorce and more likely to find that they are really incompatible.

Karen and I were incompatible but we have lived together very successfully for 48 years. I am a man and she is a woman. That alone sets up enough incompatibilities to make divorce certain if other factors were not also available. Add to the male/female thing our differences in Temperament, (I am an ENTP and she is an ISFP), our family backgrounds, (She was reared by a single mother with one sister and I have two brothers and no sisters). But we had a very important commonality: Christ and Christian values.

Karen and I were married on the Thanksgiving holiday because I was a teacher. So, we always celebrate our anniversary with great thanks to God. Today we were able to be with daughter Julia's kids, Jacob 14 and Lily 7. It was a blast. And, HH Gregg delivered a new refrigerator to the lower level of our house as my anniversary present. (This allows our son Tim and family to come home for special occasions and stay with us. In other words, family makes it all worthwhile.

Karen and I also had a tendency to laugh a lot and have lot of fun. This and a deep attraction to each other overcame a lot of differences. Vivie Le difference!

You Are Welcome

I will be speaking at morning services at Tri County Assembly of God in Fairfield, Ohio north of Cincinnati on the next two Sundays. I would love for you to be praying for me and the service as I speak about, "I'll Be Home for Christmas".

Senior Pastor Brad Rosenberg will be glad to meet my friends so if you are in the area, come out and say "Hello".

Gary Sweeten

http://www.sweetenlife.com/

A lifetime of great relationships

The Old "Expert" Paradigm on the left


The tag line for our ministry, Sweeten Life Systems, is "A lifetime of great relationships". Thirty three years ago I wrote a doctoral dissertation on training Christian Counselors. I was blessed by the fact that Carl Rogers and Robert Carkhuff were busily researching the topic of "What works in counseling". Before this psychologists and psychiatrists rarely asked "What works" but simply told everyone what they thought "should" work.



I know, it is hard to believe that highly educated people would actually spend their lives studying and laboring with hurting people and rarely if ever ask if what they were doing actually helped them get better. But it was true when I was in graduate school and it is also true today for may of the most respected professionals in the field.



Instead of asking the clients/patients what was most helpful, we were taught to argue about which theory we liked best. Conversations went something like this:



Malachi: I am a Behaviorist. I love to watch the rats run through the mazes. And, it tells me exactly what to do to make people change.



Mohamed: Biology is best. I do not understand English but I can give pills.



Molly: Well, I am a Freudian because I do love all of his interesting theories about sex, dreams and so forth.



Mike: I like the humanistic model because all I need to do is listen and cry with my clients and tell them to do what feels best to them.



Mobely: I am a recovering alcoholic so I am convinced that the Johnson Model is best. It helped me and I know it will help others.



Graduate school in counseling is like being in seminary and having to choose which theologian we liked best. And, like seminary students, we had no idea which was correct. In our immaturity we were forced to choose something so we did and then acted like we knew what we were doing. Unfortunately, this is still the case today in many situations.



My research back then showed conclusively that the Bible correctly promotes the most important important way to build people up. It is through building great relationships as a Counselor. However, that is not all. The most important thing is teaching the client how to build great relationships with family, friends and colleagues. (The greatest is love, says I Corinthians 13)



Thus, since 1975 I have taught thousands of people how to develop and Lifetime of great relationships(TM)



We teach families how to develop great relationships
We teach ministers how to develop great relationships
We teach parents, managers, presidents, Peer Counselors, accountants, small groups leaders and everyone who wants to be a healthy person.



When you see Sweeten Life Systems, remember, it means A lifetime of great relationships with God, self and others.





My current series focuses on developing a great relationship to myself by defeating depression and punishing Pessimism. If I can't be nice to me I can't live a healthy life with God or others.

Apples of Gold

The first book I wrote on the topic of interpersonal relationships was called Apples of Gold, the title coming from Proverbs 25:11

Like apples of gold in a silver setting

Is a word nicely said in the right circumstances

Hardly a week passes that I don't speak with someone that mentions the importance of taking the "Apples of Gold" classes. This is despite the fact that we changed the name from Apples of Gold to Listening for Heaven's Sake many years ago. Yet, in the experience and memory of people the class and book were always Apples of Gold.

That title really says it. When we examine its origins the focus is not just on listening but the importance of speaking and relating that are appropriate to the circumstance. Know what to say and when to say it are really critical to building effective relationships.

I was struck this week by how few people know how to carry on a conversation. Few of us ever have a true dialogue because our need to focus on ourselves keeps most conversations at the level of a duo-logue; two people both talking about their own ideas and interests.

A dialogue, on the other hand, takes a subject and bores down into it in order to exegete or examine the topic from a joint perspective. This requires a great deal of loving self control. Love that places the other person's need to be heard and understood is a must in a dialogue. Let's face it; most of the time I am not as interested in what others have to say as I am in what I have to say. There is a constant temptation to listen to myself whether I am adding anything to the conversation or not.

Loving self control means that I can control my own tongue in order to allow you to speak to share your insights, ideas and concerns. The fruit of the Spirit always starts with agape love and is shown in joy, peace, gentleness, kindness, patience and self control. A good dialogue requires these fruit to really blossom and bloom.

If all I do is talk about myself and share my insights, even as superior as they are, we shall never move deeply into the heart of any matter. This may be why that book from our early ministry was so appropriately named Apples of Gold. It is not enough to Listen, for Heaven's Sake. It is also necessary to speak in ways that the focus can stay on my partner in the dialogue.

Yes, the Listening book is better and actually teaches the same things we wrote about in Apples. However, the title is not as good.

You can order Listening for Heaven's Sake from Equipping Ministries

http://www.equippingministries.org/

Party Faces

Son Timothy & daughter Julia on right & daughter in law Shelley Sweeten with Julia Sweeten Knispel below.

My son in law Dave Knispel with Lily-the love of my life.

Dwelling Place for Easter