Conflict is Inevitable

There are few marriages that are conflict free. In fact, there are few relationships that are conflict free. The Bible says it this way:

James 3
Taming the Tongue

1 Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.

5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.

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So, if we humans are essentially uncontrollable in what we say, conflict is inevitable. How many times have we opened our moth, inserted a foot and wished we had kept silent? Or, as some tend to do, give our mate the "silent treatment"? A cold shoulder is as painful and difficult as a sharp tongue.

Proverbs reminds us that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." How we treat each other either builds up or tears down the ones we love. As the old song says, "We only hurt the ones we love..." Conflict, fighting and interpersonal pain is so awful because we care so deeply about our partner.

One time Don Paisley and I were attending a concert in Indy when we passed a very drunk stranger on the side walk. He stopped, looked at me and began to call me some very bad names. He also so included my mother in the diatribe. I was not upset, hurt or angry. Why? Because I knew he was drunk stranger who did not know me. However, had it been my wife I would have been deeply offended.

Those we love can hurt us much more deeply than a stranger. That is why family conflict is so painful and far too often ends in a divorce. In fact, in many marriages, the couple continues to fight many years after the divorce. Why? Because they are still deeply enmeshed with each other.

So, conflict is inevitable because we care so much.

Healing Mental Illness

Some parts of my profession are dead set on convincing the public at large that they should adopt language that always describes emotional problems as a disease. I have written two short posts about the myths of mental illness and I need to add a bit on that subject.

In my first post I linked to a report that revealed that more Americans are fearful of "Mentally Ill" people now than they were a few years ago. These facts led some Mental Health Spokesmen to lament that fact and wonder why since they had been promoting the notion that depressed, anxious and fearful people are diseased and cannot control themselves.

No wonder the public is scared of this group. The marketing of Mental Illness has convinced many Americans that every person who is upset is mentally ill so no wonder they are most suspicious now than before the marketing campaign began.

In my last post I mentioned that the article which reported the study about the growth in Mental Illness also said that the unemployed were more likely to be Mentally Ill than the employed. Say whaaaaaat!? How does being laid off make a person mentally ill? That is ridiculous!

Depressed people can be described very differently than being mentally ill. For example, depression and anxiety can be:

1. A wise response to overwhelming and catastrophic stress.
2. A Fight/Flight response to stress.
3. A physical reaction to a threat.
4. The result of ruminating on past hurts.
5. The result of ruminating on possible future disasters.

None of these is an illness. All can be "healed" by personal changes. Medicine and surgery are not needed. Hope for change is high. Learning to think and act differently is a great cure.

Was It Mental Illness?

This is a fascinating story. I can hardly believe my eyes when I see it. The story is so self contradictory and foolish that I cannot believe that anyone in the field of psychology or psychiatry would promote it, yet they are. See if you can see why it mocks itself and leaves an awful residue of confusion behind.

Gary Sweeten


By Shari Roan, Los Angeles Times
November 2, 2010|9:15 a.m.

Public perception of mental illness and addiction has changed significantly -- and for the good -- in the last 15 years. That doesn't mean, however, that people feel comfortable working or living near or being friends with someone with mental illness, according to a major new survey.

The study compared people's responses to vignettes involving mental illness and addiction to gauge public understanding of the illness and feelings toward those who are ill or addicted. The surveys took place in 1996 and 2006. The idea was to assess whether major efforts to improve the treatment of mental conditions and eliminate stigma in the United States is working. Several sweeping efforts have been made in the past two decades to educate Americans on mental illness.

A major theme of these campaigns is that mental illnesses and addiction are biological, brain-based, sometimes-genetic illnesses that are each "a disease like any other."

The survey finds the public has embraced that concept, but only to a point. The percentage of people who attributed depression to neurobiological causes increased from 54% of those surveyed in 1996 to 67% in 2006. Those who endorsed psychiatrists to help treat alcoholism increased from 61% to 79% in the 10-year period.

However, the willingness to associate with people with these disorders did not change much. For example, the percentage of people who said they are unwilling to work closely with someone with major depression was 46% in 1996 and 47% in 2006. The percentage of people who considered people with schizophrenia to be a danger to others was 54% in 1996 and 60% in 2006.

Though research and treatment options for people with mental illness or addiction have clearly improved, many could be held back by social stigma, said the authors of the study, led by Indiana University researchers. "Public attitudes matter," they wrote. "Attitudes can translate directly into fear or understanding, rejection or acceptance, delayed service use or early medical attention."

It may take a new approach -- something other than science-based anti-stigma campaigns -- to change public attitudes, the authors said. One such approach is to focus on the "abilities, competencies, and community integration of persons with mental illness and substance use disorders."

(Which brings to mind Los Angeles Laker's star Ron Artest and his efforts to raise money for mental health services by raffling his NBA Championship ring. Artest, who has been treated for depression, has been outspoken about the importance and value of seeking treatment. His "Win My Bling" raffle raised $120,000 in just one day last week.)

In a commentary accompanying the study, Dr. Howard H. Goldman of the University of Maryland points to encouraging signs that people with these diseases can live on equitable terms with those who have not suffered addiction or mental illness.

"We may not have eliminated social stigmatization of symptomatic individuals with mental illness," he wrote. "But improved treatment has helped many of them to make their symptoms and dysfunction less visible and less problematic."


Did you spot the inconsistencies? The stupid ways they incriminate themselves? Send in your guesses as to what it was.

Wall Street Journal and Graduation

Here is an article in the Wall Street Journal describing the attacks of Barry Lynn attacking the ability of a high school to even hold graduation ceremonies in a church building. The rationale, "Some students feel uncomfortable" in a place where there are crosses and symbols of Christianity?"

According to the ACLU, people are so super sensitive that the government must force churches to take crosses and spires off of buildings near the street because people are offended by them when they drive by the building.

These kids are so super sensitive that just looking at a cross makes them ill.

Or, just being on holy ground makes them susceptible to be converted.

Here is my question: "How can the possibly live in or even drive though Saint Louis or Santa Fe?" The hate speech of the ACLU is extremely offensive to me because they are accusing all Christians of hostile acts. Shall we sue them?

Marriage is Changing in America

Over the past few decades we have seen a dramatic rise in inter racial and inter ethnic marriages. The Wall Street Journal reports on a new research study by the Pew Foundation that Black/White and Hispanic/White marriages are increasing almost every year. .

In my view, this bodes well for our nation and our world. When people from various backgrounds meet, fall in love and marry it implies that there are fewer conflicts between and among racial groups. However, when the biggest reason for divorce is an inability to deal well with differences and racial, ethnic, social and cultural differences can be difficult to manage. As a Family Therapist it appears that we need to bone up on how to assist people get along even though they are from different backgrounds.

This will also put new pressure on churches and their leaders since this is where much of the people with conflicts and differences emerge. Pastors and Lay Leaders provide much of the child care and marriage care in America so getting them better trained will be key to their success.

Leaders in Crises Communication

The current oil well crisis in the Gulf of Mexico is presenting several people with the opportunity to practice good to great crisis communication skills. The President of the United States, Governors of the various states around the Gulf and all the companies involved in the oil platform have been in front of the press almost daily for the past month or so. How do you think they have performed?

The Decker Company does consulting on communication for organizations, politicians and individuals and often writes about how well various people are doing. According to them some of the most powerful and important people involved in this crisis are getting failing grades.

How do you think these people have performed? Who do you think Decker judges to be well prepared and well spoken in such a hot seat? Do you think President Obama has done well? How about the President of British Petroleum or Bobby jindal, Governor of Louisiana?

As a Christian leader in a church, business or association how would you do in front of a battery of TV cameras, radio mikes, newspaper reporters if one of your employees, Elders or family members was caught in a compromising position? It has happened many times before and it will happen again? Are your prepared emotionally, spiritually and legally to say nothing about prepared to face all the cameras?

Take a look at the Decker Blog and see what you think. Does it make you want to prepare yourself for any upcoming crisis? What kind of crises have Christian leaders had to face in the past? How did they do?

Too Much Stress? Chill Out!

A recent research study discovered that many Americans are stressed. Do you why? The survey says it is too much debt. Too many bills to pay. Too much buying and too little saving. Who would have thunk it? I am shocked! Shocked!

Not really. I am surprised that it has taken so long for it to catch up with us. We are not in an era of GREED but of Galloping Greed! How many more toys will it take before we are satiated? Always one more toy? Seems like it.

Look at Greece. They have over spent and over promised their people so much for so long that they are being bailed out by the one nation that saves: Germany. Spain is close behind them and so is Portugal. (The USA is also sending them $$$$$)

But despite the crisis of overwhelming debt the Greek people are not spending less and saving more. Nope, they are rioting. Who is rioting? The government workers and students and retirees, all of whom are getting their living from the government. These rioters killed three bank employees. Burned them to death and kept the fire trucks away from the burning bank. GREED! Galloping Greed.

When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn? See that poster above? It is an ad for a group that wants to destroy the government. It appears they are succeeding.


Do you want to discover a life of less stress? Go to my web page and download my materials.

Spiritual Peace

What does it mean to be at peace? And, if I can define it how can I attain it?

Here is what Jesus said about having peace:

John 14:27Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

I spoke this morning about Jesus and Serenity at Life Gate Church in Northern Kentucky. Several members of the church engaged me in conversations after the service to discuss these issues.

Take a careful look at this passage. Carefully meditate on it. Chew on it. Say it over and over in your mind and see if you can figure out the message of Jesus to you. Apply it personally because you may be the person Jesus wanted to hear the comment.

Where does peace begin?

How can you tell if you have the peace that Jesus is describing? Have you ever had such peace? Some people write things like, "Know Jesus-Know peace; No Jesus-No peace". Is that a marketing slogan or real fact? Are all Christians living in peace? Do any Christians you know live in peace? How would you know if they were? Can we feel guilty and have peace?


Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Terrorisms Brave New World

A news report from the world of the public school is alarming. Very alarming. Young children are now bringing dangerous weapons into the schools and threatening to bring chaos and destruction to their fellow students, the teachers and administrators. Thankfully, the administrators are diligently watching and keeping us safe. The gun was quickly confiscated, the child was suspended, the parents called and an urgent conference held.

Thankfully, Mr. Lego Policeman was taken out of harms way.