Why Do Christians Try to Rescue Others?

I am getting a lot of great comments on Face Book about the last post on the need to equip the church congregations to minister hope, healing and change to people in pain. One lady said that church members need to be taught how to be a Paraclete and "Come alongside people in pain". She indicated that far too many folks try to change the person in pain not support them.

I could not agree more. I know so well from my own addiction to trying to rescue people in pain. I was so committed to being a "HERO" that I constantly looked for Victims to rescue. Why? I needed them to need me!

Did you hear about the man who pushed people into the lake by his house because he loved to rescue them? Or about the Boy Scout who lost his merit badge because he insisted on leading old ladies across the street even if they did not want to go?

As Pogo the Possum said, "I have met the enemy and it is me!"

I am better now. But I am still tempted to rescue people. I feel "ashamed" if I say "NO" to requests to be a hero. Please pray for me. And, download and read my book Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty from the Sweeten Life web page.It is my confession of an awful addiction that many Christian Ministers have and Christian Counselors have in spades.

Conflict is Inevitable

There are few marriages that are conflict free. In fact, there are few relationships that are conflict free. The Bible says it this way:

James 3
Taming the Tongue

1 Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.

5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.

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So, if we humans are essentially uncontrollable in what we say, conflict is inevitable. How many times have we opened our moth, inserted a foot and wished we had kept silent? Or, as some tend to do, give our mate the "silent treatment"? A cold shoulder is as painful and difficult as a sharp tongue.

Proverbs reminds us that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." How we treat each other either builds up or tears down the ones we love. As the old song says, "We only hurt the ones we love..." Conflict, fighting and interpersonal pain is so awful because we care so deeply about our partner.

One time Don Paisley and I were attending a concert in Indy when we passed a very drunk stranger on the side walk. He stopped, looked at me and began to call me some very bad names. He also so included my mother in the diatribe. I was not upset, hurt or angry. Why? Because I knew he was drunk stranger who did not know me. However, had it been my wife I would have been deeply offended.

Those we love can hurt us much more deeply than a stranger. That is why family conflict is so painful and far too often ends in a divorce. In fact, in many marriages, the couple continues to fight many years after the divorce. Why? Because they are still deeply enmeshed with each other.

So, conflict is inevitable because we care so much.

Why Do We Not Prevent Divorces?

What causes most divorces is pretty well known. Researchers such as John Gottman has studied couples in his laboratories for several decades by hooking them up to brain wave machines while the discussed a family situation. He says he can tell in a very short time which couples will stay the course and which ones will bail out.

I suspect you wonder how he can be so precise. I did. Then I read his famous book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Now I understand how he did it.

In that and other books Dr. Gottman explains what happens when a couple attempts to plan a simple vacation or how to discipline a child. If they do not have the skills of communication, problem solving and conflict management, the discussion will turn into "Toxic Conflict".

There are four styles of conflict management: Three that work and one that is toxic and a huge failure. The good news is this: Churches can and need badly to teach couples how to handle conflict in ways that build the family rather than destroy it. Unfortunately, very few have any sort of premarital preparation, let alone preparation that focuses on managing differences.

Prevention is fairly simple but it is not easy. The least we can do is start by teaching the Gottman skills. Get my book, Listening for Heaven's Sake and ask Equipping Ministries or some other ministry to train you how to do premarital prep. That would be a great start to preventing couple break ups.

More on Couple Conflicts

I am in a good number of discussions about divorce and dysfunctional families in America. Everybody is a critic but so very few are producing any ways to slow down the pain and panic that leads to divorce.

What about the Pastors and leaders who deride couples for giving up on their marriages but do little or nothing to prepare young couples for the stresses and strains that come with "Til death do we part." I get pretty frustrated with those who have an opportunity to prepare couples but do not do it.

I saw a famous marriage and family teacher on TV the other night. The commentator asked him to name the main cause of divorce and he was predictable but wrong. In fact, most clergy are wrong when they offer insights about divorce prevention. Most of them say it is a "Lack of commitment". I disagree.

Dr. John Gottman, a Psychologist and researcher about all things marriage wise, has studied marriages and divorce for decades. He says it is not wobbly commitment but an inability to understand and resolve DIFFERENCES. And their are some big differences between men and women.

"She says tomato and I say tomahto".

Couples who figure out how to deal with differences and enjoy each other stay married. Period.

People Skills Count Most

One of the most important things I ever learned had to do with mastering people skills. It matters little what the job is or what the context is, if people are involved the key is understanding them and getting along with them.

The book you see here, Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty, is focused on teaching people how to relate with others and be a positive influence on them. Go to my web for a free download of the book. If you want to influence others as a manager, a leaders or a minister, it is the book for you.

I have failed many times at interpersonal relations. Despite my commitment to listening, understanding and respecting people I still fail at it and I regret it. It is one of the things that drives me to keep learning and growing in relating to others with understanding and mercy.

I read an interesting interview in the Wall Street Journal Fins Section of a top executive from IBM tonight who agreed with my assessment of the importance of communication, problem solving and conflict management.

IBM's Bridget van Kralingen, 47, runs a $40 billion business, accounting for 40% of total revenue at the computer services and software giant.

Van Kralingen was appointed general manager of North America a year ago and is based in New York. She began her career at Deloitte Consulting in Cape Town in 1989, joining IBM in 2004 to run its global financial services business out of London. Born in the U.K., she spent 15 years with Deloitte, mostly in South Africa with a brief stint in New York from 1997 to 1999.

FINS spoke with her about meritocracy, how to boost morale among sales teams and her boss, Ginni Rometty, No. 8 on Fortune magazine's 2010 list of Most Powerful Women in Business.


SP: How do you suggest people get used to working with different cultures and teams?

BvK: Two things. First, go in with the stance of listening before you jump to conclusions or take an approach that may have worked in the place you worked before.

Secondly, go ahead and ask about leadership style in the place you're in. Ask your team, your peers.

SP: What would you advise someone going into sales as a career?

BvK: We sell around solutions rather than products now. So you need to have the skills to consult and understand.

It's not just the selling and solutioning, but also delivery. We're in an era of analytics and making sense of data.

Wherever you go and whatever you do, interpersonal skills of Genuineness, Respect, Empathy and Warmth are critically important. Go to our web page and download the Humpty Dumpty book. Take a look at the skills and start using them at home, school and work. They will save you a lot of time, energy and pain.

Christian Growth Under Communism

My friend Dr. Richard Kidd, a member of the Sweeten Life Systems Board, sent me the following remarks. It coincides nicely with my experience in the former USSR where our ministry of equipping Christian leaders is growing and getting stronger. This is despite the strong persecution of Christians who actually want to live out their faith in daily life.

I ran across this quote in Rodney Stark’s What Americans Really Believe. Nothing fundamentally new here but started in a ‘stark’ fashion that drives the point:

“By far the most interesting data in this table are those for the former Soviet bloc. For more than seventy years atheists controlled the Soviet state and enforced an official policy of atheism. Beginning in the first year of school, and
each year all the way through college, students in the Soviet Union were required to take a course in atheism.

Following World War II, when the Soviets took control of the nations of Eastern Europe, a similar system of atheist education was imposed. Year after year, students were rehearsed in all the angry anti-religious arguments to be found in recent tracts
such as Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion.

And it wasn't merely education that atheism had going for it in the Soviet bloc. There was intense discrimination against religious people- if you wanted to have a good job, you professed atheism. If you were too intensely or too overtly religious, you might get sent to a hard-labor camp or even be killed. The result? In Russia itself the score is: God 96 percent, atheism 4 percent, precisely the same as in the United States. Nor did the atheism campaign do significantly better anywhere in the rest of the old Soviet bloc.

In his very recent book, The Plot to Kill God: Findings from the Soviet Experiment in Secularization, Paul Froese demonstrates the utter ineptitude of the Soviet efforts to instill atheism. In part the educational program made no progress because it was staffed by, and the teaching materials were prepared by, people who knew next to nothing about religion. The assumption was that since religion is nonsense, there is nothing much one needs to know to refute it. Hence, what the atheism faculty regarded as unanswerable criticisms of faith were, in fact, quite elementary matters of theology and easily refuted by the average church-goer.”

Here is my view of such things. God cannot be stopped. Those who persecute Christians end up destroying themselves and others. As Tertullian said, "The blood of martyrs is seed for the church." When missionaries left China in 1949 there were 2 to three million Christians. Now there are over 100,000,000.

Jesus and Civility

There has been a lot written recently about the need for civility. Much of the furor and hand wringing came about when a very sick young man shot and killed six people and severely wounded a politician.

When something happens to a politician the media and other politicians take up the cry to stop selling guns and stop politicians on the other side from talking. Such gnashing of teeth and wailing is short lived and done mostly for selling papers and getting a political advantage. In some ways, it leads to even more uncivil talk and even greater polarization in our nation.

But I am convinced that Jesus would be unhappy with the ways we talk about each other and the ways we make villains out of those we differ with. Jesus had a lot to say about such things and I think it is wiser than anything written by a modern therapist or politician.

Jesus described the problem better than anyone I have ever read. Why? because He differentiated different levels of anger, conflict and personal attacks. This is not something that I have seen anyone else do in the weeks since the shooting rampage.

Here is a great and very accurate teaching that is practical and helpful from Jesus.


Matthew 5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment.

Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca, is answerable to the court.

And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

Read and tell me why this is not the greatest teaching on relationships ever written.