Communication and Influence

Some of the readers of this blog are in the business of communication. I, for one, speak to individuals, small groups and large groups on a regular basis. Last Sunday I spoke to our small church family on, "Why Did Jesus Come to Earth?". It was intended to be a talk with very important implications and a serious purpose. Plus, I wanted to help our people get a clearer picture of the purpose of Jesus and Christmas in the midst of a society dripping with false messages about Jesus and His birth.

What could I do to accomplish these weighty goals? I do not know if I did make my goals or not. However, I go sometimes to The Decker Blog to improve my communication skills. This is one of the best blogs I read and I strongly recommend it to you.

On the latest blog you will find a run down of what the Decker Company thinks are the Top and Bottom Communicators in the world. Read it and let me know what you think.

Great Relationship with a Spouse

It has become common knowledge that Elizabeth Edwards knew her husband John was having an affair before he announced he was running for President. Despite that fact, Mrs. Edwards failed to confront her husband and, in fact, supported his infidelity by standing by silently as he acted like a saint.

Why do so many spouses, especially women, choose to enable infidelity? Mrs. Clinton is perhaps the best known woman to "Stand by her man" while he had multiple sex partners. This is an example of what folks working in the fields of addiction would call, "Co-Dependency". This means that the Co-Dependent is as addicted to enabling the behavior as the one doing drugs, serial sex, food, etc.

This was obviously not the first time for John Edwards nor was it for Bill Clinton. Any man who risks his reputation, career and livelihood for a hook up is addicted or dependent. It was apparent that both Edwards and Clinton were Narcissists and addicted, but both wives protected and promoted them while advancing their addictions.

When I was doing therapy such marriages were quite common. One spouse took advantage of another and yet the victim would seek counsel and claim that they were the real problem not the addict. Sometimes it was physical abuse but usually it was emotional an sexual in nature and too often the offended spouse refused to put her foot down.

Enabling an addiction is often excused as showing them "Love and respect". I have often been told that the Co-Dependent is showing Christ's love to the offending husband. When he engages in awful behavior time and time again she is expected to "Forgive" him one more time.

This is one reason that such couples need assistance. They will not be able to discover a mutually up building relationship unless they find a good therapist. Mrs. Edwards did not, to my knowledge, find a good therapist, she simply helped her philandering man to cover up, lie and continue his narcissistic road to hell and now she is writing a book telling how she did it.

Pain is inevitable but misery is optional. The Edwards are showing us how to make pain into chronic misery. (By the way, John and Elizabeth Edwards are worth 20 to 30 million dollars. She obviously does not need the money. Is she addicted to shame?)

Gary Sweeten

See the LifeWay Counseling Center if you need help escaping from such a sick system.

Need a Man?

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better." she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework." "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me! But just think what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please."

How to Win and Influence People

In June of 1958 I had a fearful and wonderful encounter with God's Spirit. It changed my life and I Ford I heard the still small voice of the Spirit say, "Go to college." That was amazing because I was not really "college material" nor did my family and friends encourage such flights of irresponsible fancy. (Working in a factory was responsible and practical.)

So, I quit my factory job and applied to Mt. Vernon Community College. I had to learn to study and learn how to interact with educated students and teachers. I loved it and discovered that I was not as dumb as I seemed. I was newly motivated and newly interested in studying.

I studied to be a teacher and that led me to what were back then called, "Teachers' Education Classes" at Southern Illinois University. Those classes helped me a lot because they focused on how to not only understand math and reading but also how to transmit it to the kids. In other words, how to see to it that the kids learned from me.

I was a pretty good student in Elementary School. I read well and remembered a lot of it. So, I thought it was all about remembering the data that was put in front of me. I was wrong. I found that it was important to get the pupils engaged in the materials in such a way that they WANTED to remember it. How could I motivate the pupils to be learners.

You can lead the horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

This old saw was right. I knew it but I had never studied how to make the horse thirsty before I took those classes in Educational Psychology. Now here is my point. How do we help people outside the church desire the living water?

This is an issue of great importance to us. People will not come to faith in Christ or attend worship, read the Bible or practice the charitable activities of the Christian life unless they are attracted to those things. So, how do we become more attractive while holding to the foundations of our faith?

What do you think? What has helped you draw others to Christ and His life?

Gary Sweeten

http://www.sweetenlife.com/

The Dreadful State of Ministerial Training

I have focused much of my professional and personal life on supporting, counseling, coaching and consulting with Clergy. I have concluded that the preparation they generally receive before entering congregational life as a professional is woefully inadequate. Let me illustrate.

The primary context of clerical ministry is human relationships.

The primary issues of leadership and change always involve relationships and the need to motivate members to accept, lead and pay for change.

The problems that come to a pastor's office are heavily weighted toward a breakdown in human relationships and he/she is expected to resolve those problems and make the people better.

The thing that cause most ministers to fail is an inability to relate well with the members.

Despite these obvious facts, almost 100% of the training for ministry is about large group and mass communication and nothing about interpersonal communication. What are they thinking? Who designs such an inappropriate curriculum, someone who wants ministers to fail?

The result is disappointment, family conflict, burn out, frustration, blaming and shaming and churches unable to minister effectively. When will we ever learn?

Gary Sweeten

http://www.sweetenlife.com/

I Calls Them The Way I Sees Them

Six Men From Hindustan saw the same elephant but experienced it very differently.

This is an old saw that I heard growing up. However, the power and truth of its sentiment did not sink in until I began to study interpersonal communication and how differences in "The ways we sees them" cause so much conflict.



For example, the inability to resolve differences in a marriage is the greatest cause of divorce, abuse and dissatisfaction. We often hear that the number one cause of divorce is money, sex, in laws and religion. During this season we might also add politics. But, those are simply some of the issues over which we fail to find a peaceful way to deal with differences.



I am not careful with money and my wife is very careful. That can be a good thing if we understand how to balance each other out. However, it can be bad, very bad with those who attack each other over how money is spent. She says I am reckless and irresponsible and I accuse her of being a tightwad just like my mother. Those attacks are what causes the trouble, not the spending habits.



I could say to my wife, "Karen, I really appreciate your ability to save money. You help me a lot." This avoids Attacks and inserts Attending instead. Attending to one another builds up the Emotional Bank Account that we can draw from at other times when we are feeling scratchy.



Why Attack The Ones We Love?



II COR 4:4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.



The enemy of our souls goes all out to get us to misunderstand and misperceive what others are saying and meaning. Even when we try to be accurate, loving and gracious we are misunderstood. This leads us to feel hurt, shamed and disrespected.



But, I am a believer? How can this happen? Read II COR a little farther down the way. 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.



"Be patient; God is not finished with me yet!"



I am filled with the Holy Spirit but the vessel that carries that Holiness around is fallen and dirty. (The image is actually that of a latrine or chamber pot. My clay pot is really a very lowly thing.) Why? To show the greatness and holiness of God's Spirit.



Gary Sweeten
http://www.sweetenlife.com/

How to Be Anxious, Depressed or Worse

I have been in the counseling field a very long time. Long enough to learn that Anxiety and Depression are the two great causes of mental dis-ease and pain in life. And, unfortunately, they are not decreasing. Despite the growth in America's wealth and comfort over the past fifty years people are increasingly suffering from minds that are unquiet.



Since WWII America has experienced unbelievable growth in the basic necessities of life. Abraham Maslow developed what he called a "Hierarchy of Needs" way back in the Fifties. At the bottom were things like food, clothing, shelter, safety and security. In every one of those areas we in America have become incredibly secure. Even the poor in America have free health care, plenty of food and more clothes than we can wear.



Why, then, are we such a nation of anxious, depressed people? Why are people not satisfied, happy and peaceful? Why are counseling centers and Pastors' offices filled with people who are what we call, "The Worried Well"?



Both anxiety and depression are symptoms of Pessimistic Thinking. Read the works of Martin Seligman if you want to learn more about these issues but hang on a bit longer to read more of my ideas.



I have come up with a short acrostic to explain how we can think ourselves into a frenzy of Anxiety/Depression. It is APART.



A=Adversity

P=Pessimistic Thinking

A=Anger

R=Rumination

T=Total Thinking



Adversity: When adversity comes along, as it always does, some of us slip into anxiety, panic, pain and depression while others slough it off and deal with the problems effectively. Pain is inevitable but Misery is optional. Some people seem to assume that all pain is automatically a disaster.



Pessimism: this is the key ingredient to joy or misery; elongated suffering or shortened discomfort and time in the slough of despair or moving through life with equanimity. So, how do we make ourselves miserable?



Repeatedly think: This is a Personal Flaw. The reason this Adversity is happening to me is that I am deeply broken as a person. I am the problem. Karma from the past has come upon me and I am suffering because of my flaws. God is punishing me. I am unlucky, unchosen and unloved by the universe.



The Personal Problem is Pervasive. It covers all of life and all of my concerns.



The Personal Problem is Permanent and will never change.



I could be/should be Perfect yet I am imperfect.



Pessimism=Personal Problems that are Pervasive and Permanent.

Black Liberation Theology by James Cone

Obama's Pastor follows Cone in theology. Read what they believe.

Black theology refuses to accept a God who is not identified totally with the goals of the black community. If God is not for us and against white people, then he is a murderer, and we had better kill him. The task of black theology is to kill Gods who do not belong to the black community. . . .

Black theology will accept only the love of God which participates in the destruction of the white enemy. What we need is the divine love as expressed in Black Power, which is the power of black people to destroy their oppressors here and now by any means at their disposal. Unless God is participating in this holy activity, we must reject his love. James Cone

Cone believes that God is to be made in the image of man.
I believe that man has been created in the image of God.

Now They Tell Us!!

We've got the whole world in our hands!

For the past year or so the airwaves and papers have been full of warnings that we needed to replace our old light bulbs with the new twisted ones. The newer bulbs are longer lasting and use dramatically less energy to produce the same light. That is good news.

So, I went out and bought a bunch of these "Twisted Sisters" and started using them to replace my old ones when they burned out. So far so good.

Today I read a very disturbing story about these new bulbs. I was reading the Wall Street Journal when I came across a report that the bulbs are VERY, VERY DANGEROUS if broken!!!!!!!!!! Yikes!!!!!

Here is the report from a Boston paper.

The Maine study, which shattered 65 bulbs to test air quality and clean-up methods made these recommendations: If a bulb breaks, get children and pets out of the room. Ventilate the room. Never use a vacuum -- even on a rug -- to clean up a compact fluorescent light. Instead, while wearing rubber gloves, use stiff paper such as index cards and tape to pick up pieces, then wipe the area with a wet wipe or damp paper towel. If there are young children or pregnant woman in the house, consider cutting out the piece of carpet where the bulb broke. Use a glass jar with a screw top to contain the shards and clean-up debris.

That is not all.
“We found some very high levels (of mercury), even after we tried a number of clean-up techniques," said Mark Hyland, Maine director of the Bureau of Remediation and Waste Management. During several of the experiments, for example, he said mercury in the air was more than 100 times levels considered safe even after a floor was cleaned. He said such levels would quickly decline if the room were ventilated and people followed their tips.
http://www.boston.com/news/health/articles/2008/02/25/high_efficient_lightbulbs_come_with_mercury_risk/

This is a double bind. We are damned either way. Buy and die or don't buy and the world melts. Green, or Mercury Red?

School Leaders Refuse to Teach History

"Out with violence", says some educators. "We just cannot allow our kids to think about the past. They need to move on."

So, there goes history. I only wish I had been in one of these schools when I was a kid. I had to read about history and remember well enough to write it on a test. I know the younger kids will not believe it but, we had no video tapes of the past. But memories are to be squashed now because the kid's psyches are perceived by so called educators to be so fragile that they cannot learn about one of the most heinous and cowardly attacks ever on American soil.

The Revolutionary War, The Civil War, WWI or WWII and no films of Lincoln signing the Emancipation Proclamation along with The Great Depression and Civil Rights Movement are kaput! I am an educator with a BS, Ms and ED D in Education and I have spent my life teaching. I must admit, however, that I am confused by such decisions as these.

Here is the story in a Salt Lake City news release. (KUTV) SALT LAKE CITY - Several Utah schools have decided to let Sept. 11, 2007 pass without observing the sixth anniversary of the unprecedented terror attacks against the United States -- over fear of re-kindling the haunting memories for those who vaguely remember them, or introducing them to children who weren't born yet.

This year, Sept. 11 falls on a Tuesday for the first since since the actual attacks. But some school administrators believe that commemorating the tragedy may inhibit the ability for students to make forward progress."We don't want our kids thinking about that. We want them to move on,'' said Beth Johnston, principal at East Layton Elementary in Davis County, whose oldest student was just 6 on Sept. 11, 2001. "It might be age-appropriate for older students to acknowledge and talk about it, but for our younger kids, we don't want them to dwell on violence."Education officials say it can be difficult to explain to young children what happened on that day, because of the many factors and political reasons linked to the terror strike.

"There is so much additional context and so many other stories there, that it can become daunting to a teacher to figure out how to be selective enough, sensitive enough and to provide the right balance and depth,'' said Robert Austin, a social studies specialist for the Utah State Office of Education.

The terrorist attacks are currently not part of Utah's core social studies curriculum, but they could become so later this year when the required studies are updated. But still, many schools will observe the sixth anniversary since the World Trade Center towers fell in New York City and the Pentagon was damaged in Washington, D.C.

Eastwood Elementary School in Salt Lake City generally observes a moment of silence, secretary Tina Jensen said. "We try to keep it pretty low key because some of the kids weren't even born. We try not to scare them,'' she said. Indeed, many students because of age barely remember it and feel little emotional connection.

Scott Crump of Bingham High School in South Jordan asks his students to write essays about whether they would like to be remembered as the "9/11 generation.'' (If they say, "No" then will it change the facts?)

(© 2007 Four Points Media Group, LLC., All rights reserved. The Associated Press contributed to this report.)

As an educator and therapist let me assure you that children will NOT be traumatized byt history lessons about wars and rumors of wars. They may be traumatized by misleading them on the reality of living in a violent world.

Depression and Mother Teresa

I just finished reading an article in Time Magazine about the life long struggle with depression, emotional pain spiritual suffering of Mother Teresa. This was a woman who was celebrated internationally by governments and religious leaders. However, her own"dark night of the soul" began with her working with the poor and lasted for the entire time of her world famous ministry. http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415,00.html

I will not try to assess Mother Teresa's situation too deeply but it seems that I have counseled hundreds if not thousands of Christians just like her. These hard working believers have labored intensely for the Lord while rarely experiencing the grace and presence of the Spirit. Her mental, emotional and spiritual condition is quite commons among Christians of all denominations.

In my experience the common denominator is a works righteous approach to God. The emphasis is always upon what I must do to bring salvation, healing and relief to others. The basis foundational assumption is that the work of Jesus is too little and it is up to us to finish His redemptive work.

Such a works-righteous approach demands that I live a sinless life and there is the rub. The more I do to make up for the "failures" of the work of Jesus the more perfect I am; the more perfect I am the more I know I am good. This leads me to conclude that I have much to offer. I of course recognize my abilities and is considered to be pride. All pride is wrong so I am in sin. The guilt of my sin demands punishment contrition, repentance and suffering.

This kind of theology can only lead to mental torture for I can only be satisfied when I am perfectly sinless. That means I am aware of my "sainthood" and the recognition means that I am not perfect after all. This is the classic "Double Bind" or "Catch 22" situation where to obey the law of God I must perfectly obey, have no pride and show 100% self denial.

If I can actually "die to self" it is I who has self control. But, if I am in control, Jesus is not in control. Thus, I am sinning. But, I must work hard to be sinless and that is what a works righteousness requires. So, I am damned if I do work hard to be perfect and damned if I do not work hard to be perfect. The only way I can obey God is to dis-obey Him.

I have posted several papers on my web called "Double Binds" that are helpful to enable folks to stop trying to be perfect. www.garysweeten.com

Mother Teresa and other pious Roman Catholics are no more likely to fall into this trap than we Protestants who claim to live by faith not works. Each of us can stop our "stinking thinking" and allow Jesus to be the perfect redeemer whose finished works were all that was needed to save the world from sin and guilt.

Campus Crisis Response

College campuses in the late Sixties and early Seventies were alive with pickets, marches, protests and a few riots. I received my Master's Degree in Higher Education, College Student Personnel Counseling from Southern Illinois University in 1967 with a paper on "Three Days of Riots on the Campus of SIU". It was quite an introduction to my career in Student Counseling.

Karen and I with a new baby girl Julia came to Cincinnati in July of 67 and found our new home in Sawyer Hall where I was to be the Resident Counselor for 600 upper class male students. The young men in our hall were mostly wonderful people but, like many budding adolescents and 20 somethings, they liked to party and carouse. I had to get a few out of jail and intervene in several conflicts between warring bundles of testosterone but I enjoyed my job a lot.

Then, in the Spring of 68, things got a lot more exciting and dangerous. We saw a dramatic increase in the number of students who were doing drugs and others who were high on protesting. I attended a University conference in Detroit in the middle of their riots. The conference met in a downtown hotel but we had to stay in a hotel across the river in Canada. The daily drive into Detroit was a harrowing experience.

At the same time our campus faced a series of intense marches and almost daily protests. I met often with the President and other high officials to discuss what we could do to protect ourselves but we were clueless. We did know and it was impossible to predict what the radicals would do.

We heard from the FBI that our residence hall was the focus of a planned dynamite and firebomb attack from radical students. We were scared silly. Here is how insane it was in those days. The FBI told us that the Black Panthers planned to put dynamite on each of the large posts holding up our building and throw gasoline into the ground floor offices. The pillars would collapse forcing the students to run out of the exits where they would be hit with Molotov Cocktails of burning gasoline.

We had to come up with a plan to evacuate all 600 men from the hall if we were attacked. However, if the Panthers were planning to throw burning gasoline on us as we left the building, an evacuation would not be safe. What could we do?

We developed a plan to train every person to grab a blanket and wrap it around them as they exited the stairwell. This would protect them from the gasoline attacks and they were told to run straight through the Panthers to safety into safety in French Hall. Desperate people have desperate plans.

Would that plan have worked if we were actually attacked? I do not know. But I do know this. The Monday Morning Quarterbacks would have had us drawn and quartered no matter what happened. These MMQ are not able to coach or play the games themselves but they are expert critics after the fact. MMQ's are severely criticising the leaders and cops at Virginia Tech. One of the most stupid charges being leveled is that they should have "Closed the campus down".
I am stunned by the lack of basic intelligence of those making this accusation.

#1. It cannot be done. The campus is too big and too complex.
#2. That could induce panic. The ACLU will not allow cops to stop a person who actually looks suspicious let alone lock down 30,000 people for no reason.
#3. It would not help the situation. There was no information on who the killer was nor what he looked like or how to recognize he was dangerous.
#4. The initial killings looked like a domestic quarrel gone wrong. There was not any reason to suspect a mass murder was loose. In the history of the United States of America, as far as I know, this case is unique and could not have been anticipated. Cops are rightly trained to look for an MO or a pattern. I am sure the cops came onto this scene and saw a "Domestic MO". The fact that they released any kind of alert took enormous courage in light of the lack of evidence. Had it been a false alarm the officials would have been excoriated by the press.
#5. Crises planning is always done in the dark and when the crisis arrives the plan will change.

For example, the next three or four years U.C. had many threats like the one mentioned above. We tried to develop plans and contingency plans but if the radicals did not cooperate our plans had to change in the heat of the moment. Finally, the Kent State killings occurred and everything not nailed down broke loose. We closed the University down and decided to reopen it in one week. (That itself is a long story.)

You MMQ's with 20/20 Vision need to give it a rest. I can tell from your statements and questions that you have never even had to stop your kids from acting out let alone stop a riot or a mass murderer. I have been faced with those decisions and it was awful.

I will close with one more anecdote about campus life. Every evening I walked from the basement to the top floor and back again to check things out. I often smelled Marijuana or intercepted women on the floor and had to deal with those minor issues that always surround men.

One night I was confronted with a situation that gave me chills then and today. Sawyer Hall was the Fire Alarm Nerve Center for three Halls, each with 400 to 600 residents. On the night in question I came down the stairs to see the fire door to the furnace room unlocked. That was illegal and I could not imagine how it happened since only a few maintenance people had a key.

I slowly opened the door, fearful that I might confront an intruder, to stare into a series of blank lights where there should have beena series of red lights. The lights were always to be on according to the fire codes. That indicated that the fire alarms in all three halls were set and ready to send a signal to the local fire house in case the sensors picked up smoke or heat. But they were all off. That meant we had no fire alarm system in any of the three residence halls.

It hit me hard! Someone had purposefully turned them off. Someone wanted us to be without a fire alarm. That was in the midst of the FBI's weekly reports that the Black Panthers wanted to burn our building down and kill all the students. My one year old daughter, my wife and I would be included in the carnage.

I did several things to get the attention of the fire and police officials and to force the University to provide us with better security. This event did get their attention and I got much more assertive about my family. However, if some fanatic or some psychotic or paranoid person wants to blow us up he can always find a way.

Some of the UC students from those days read my blog. If you have anything you want to post please feel free to do so.

To you MMQ's; go try it yourself some day. Go to Iraq or Israel and see how well you do in preventing suicide bombers. Until you do, stop criticizing people after the fact.

My sympathy and prayers go to the VT families, community and the officials who must live with the pain of losing so many students and colleagues.

Triangles in Relationships

I certainly enjoy exploring family life from a Systems’ Perspective. I realize that I am asking a lot out of you readers. A change from Linear to Systemic thinking is a huge paradigm shift. We are so used to thinking in straight lines that it is almost impossible to imagine that most things are connected. This is why even the basics of Economic theory are so difficult to understand. For example, the current fad of Americans to stop using so much Petrol in favor of Corn Based Fuels.

If we only look at the Corn to Fuel-Gasohol as a replacement for Petrol, it makes some sense. (A one to one Linear Replacement) However, when we consider all the Petrol energy that must be used to produce Gasohol, it is not seem so simple. Think of the system, not just trading one fuel for another fuel.

1. Corn is now being taken out of production for use by animals so corn is higher, meat is higher, meat will be imported from foreign nations demanding more Petrol to ship it over the seas.

2. The corn seed is also higher making growing food produced for cereals and other food products for people much higher.

3. It takes 1 and 1/2 gallons of Gasohol to provide enough power to go as far as only one gallon of Petrol. Thus, Gasohol costs considerably more than Petrol in terms of energy produced. Additionally, a gallon of Gasohol costs about 50 cents more than a gallon of Petrol. So, if a gallon of Petrol costs $2.50 and the Gasohol costs 50 cents more, we are already paying $3.00 per gallon for Gasohol and going only ¾ as far. That is a huge increase in the use of both our money and of energy.

4. Gasohol will not burn very well in cold weather, requiring us to make dramatic changes in fuel production, transportation and driving. This means that the fuel production plants must make different fuels and that is very costly.

When we look at things in their total system it is not so simple to make what seems to be a simple change from one product for another. It is like that for a diet. When we stop eating, the body system says, “Wow! We have hit a famine and I need to store more fat for the long winter.” The result may well be gaining weight.

I hope you get the picture.

Below is my opinion about how Triangles work. In this case, it is the Rescue/Responsible Triangle that suggests it is dangerous to try to Rescue a Victim from Persecutor for all too often the Victim will turn on the Rescuer and accuse them of being the real Persecutor who then feels like a Victim.

Saudi Arabia: Victim Triangles with Iraq: Persecutor and USA/Britain: Rescuer

The result? The Saudi’s blame us for being the Persecutors and we feel like Victims.

Read on:

"Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques King Abdullah yesterday lambasted the 'illegitimate foreign occupation' of Iraq by US-led forces and urged Arab leaders attending a historic summit in the Saudi capital not to allow foreign powers to determine the future course of the region," the Arab News reports from Riyadh:

In his keynote address opening the two-day summit, King Abdullah called upon Arab leaders to usher in a new era in Arab joint work while holding them accountable for disunity in the Arab world over the past decades.

"In Iraq, blood flows between brothers in the shadow of an illegitimate foreign occupation and hateful sectarianism, threatening a civil war," King Abdullah said after taking over the presidency of the 23-member Arab League from Sudan's President Omar Bashir.

This is the thanks we get for stationing our troops on the Arabian Peninsula for a dozen years to defend the occupying Saudi family from Saddam Hussein, and for remaining in Iraq, as, among other things, a check on Saudi Arabia's Shiite rival, Iran?

Well, yes, we suppose it is. Today's Saudi ingratitude is of a piece with Western European ingratitude during and after the Cold War. It's human nature, at least among those who are not mature enough to take responsibility for themselves, to resent those on whom one depends. Ask any parent of teenagers.

Gary's Opinion: Those who try to rescue their children from any situation deemed to be a Persecution will end up generating anger and rejection by the children.

I suggest that you order Family Ties That Bind as a good place to begin more study on the topic.

Explanation of Double Binds

As I re-read the last post it occurred to me that it could easily be misunderstood as a rant against the war critics and it was not intended as that. I began the post with the intention of discussing how crippling and emotionally confusing it is for leaders to use Double Bind Communication Patterns. I saw the report by the Iraq Study Group as a good example of a bad habit. However, I missed the mark rather badly with the post so allow me to re fire.

Double Binds and Mental Anguish

(Go to www.garysweeten.com for an in-depth look at this topic.)

After so many years of up-close and personal ministry I can say with no fear of contradiction that good theology brings joy, healing, growth and power. The truth does indeed set us free. On the other hand, bad theology brings sadness, anxiety, a lack of motivation and even depression. Good theology helps people face illness, stay married and rear children effectively. Conversely, bad theology brings destruction and chaos into our family and personal lives.

One of the most destructive types of bad theology is Double Bind Communication. Double Bind injunctions are found in many families and churches and they leave a wide swath of mental, emotional and spiritual destruction. Nowhere is that more true than among highly committed and pious church workers.

The conservative church is especially filled with Double Bind ideas, patterns and expectations.

“If that is true,” you say, “we need to identify and eliminate the Double Bind patterns.” I could not agree more. If Double Binds are so toxic, we need to have a good explanation and description of what they are and how to combat them.

A Double Bind Communication Pattern is any verbal injunction that can only be obeyed when it is disobeyed. And, It is the chronic presence of a no-win communication pattern that induces neurotic thoughts and feelings in the members. Despite what others would consider a superior performance the master of the Double Bind always finds failure so the child can never win for she never, ever fulfills her mother’s demands.

The inner pain, self-condemnation, guilt and shame experienced by a child brought up in such a home us difficult to explain, but let me try. We who have lived under these conditions tend to try harder to please our parent, work better to please the tyrant boss and explain ourselves more fully to fend off the verbal blows that are sure to come as a result of our perceived failures.

But how can healthy people be induced to become neurotically worried about irrational things? Way back in 1927 a very famous Russian researcher, Pavlov, showed us. He made healthy dogs into hyper-emotional, neurotic animals. They became so upset that they could not follow simple commands.

He accomplished his goal in the following ways. He first taught the dogs to differentiate between a circle and an ellipse. Pavlov fed the dogs when they walked through the circle. However, he held back the food when they went through the ellipse. It did not take the animals long to know the difference between the two.

After thoroughly training the dogs to choose the circle and food, Pavlov began to remold the ellipse to be closer and closer to the shape of a perfect circle. As long as the dogs could easily discern the difference they walked through the circle to get the food. However, when the ellipse was bent to a ratio very similar to the circle the dogs could not tell the difference. At that point a strange thing occurred.

When the dogs found it impossible to tell the difference between the circle and the near circle, they had what can only be described as an emotional breakdown. Their behavior was contrary to anything the researchers had seen before. Notes from Pavlov described it this way:

The hitherto quiet dog began to squeal in its stand, kept wiggling about, tore off with its teeth the apparatus…and bit through the tubes…behavior that had never occurred before. On being taken into the laboratory the dog now barked violently. (Pavlov 1927, pp 290-291)

He called it “Experimental Neurosis” or “Learned Helplessness”. We actually see this kind of thing practiced among animal trainers. For example, it is amazing to watch a very small man tell a huge elephant exactly what to do and the huge animal do it without a hesitation. I often wondered, “Why does that big thing not run away? He could do anything he wanted, but for the most part he is docile as a lamb.

Here is how it is done. When the elephant is small, the trainer places a ring around his leg that has very sharp points on the inside. If the animal tries to run away, the spears dig painfully into his leg and he immediately returns the leg to a comfortable position. It does not take long for the big guy to realize that he is helpless to run. After he is thoroughly trained, the Mahout replaces the cutting leg iron with one that will not dig his leg but the animal’s mind has been completely convinced that running means pain. This is “Learned Helplessness”.

If neurotic behavior and hyper-anxious feelings can be produced in dogs and elephants by subjecting them to a highly ambiguous and painful situation can the same thing be done to humans? The dogs had a learned response to the ambiguous, insecure situation. When there is uncertainty about which behavior results in a reward and which will cause a punishment the result will be a state of nervous exhaustion.

Since the days of Pavlov many other scientists have replicated his findings in both animals and humans. Thus, this principle is widely accepted among therapists. It is obvious that humans, like animals, respond with anxiety and fear when faced with important decisions they cannot readily and correctly answer.

The Three Aspects of a No Win-Double Bind

I. Double Binds involve a close relationship between two or more persons. When the relationship is highly intense or when the survival of the relationship is at stake a Double Bind is most powerful. Intense relationships include marriage, parent-child, boss-subordinate, prisoners, hostages, church -member, counselor-client, doctor-patient, etc. Most powerful and intense is one’s relationship with God.

II. Messages are paradoxical between the authority figure and the dependent person. The command can only be obeyed by being disobeyed. When humans, like dogs, are unable to distinguish between obedience and disobedience; reward and punishment; success and failure, neurosis is the result.

III. The person receiving the Double Bind message does not believe he/she can change the nature of the relationship or the message. One cannot:

· Withdraw from the situation
· Meta-communicate or analyze the message’s absurdity
· Make any appropriate response without pain
· Escape bad feelings if they obey or if they don’t obey

From this point of view, the underling is trapped in an impossible situation that cannot be changed, discussed or escaped. Anyone trapped in such a situation over a period of time will likely develop anxiety, depression, fears and physical illnesses. They may try to withdraw from the relationship, church or God as a way of reducing their anxiety. However, that too is deemed wrong so the anxiety and anger will continue to exist.

The Iraq Study Group and Double Binds

The ISG report offered solutions that are impossible to implement yet they seem to be easily accomplished. If the President tries to follow the report he will surely fail and be severely criticized. However, if he refuses to implement the suggestions he will also fail and be severely criticized. Perhaps in fifty years or so historians will conclude Mr. Bush did the right thing but in the immediate future he is damned if he does follow the suggestions and damned if he does not follow them.

I am greatly concerned that the President badly misjudged the volitility of the situation in Iraq and the Middle East when he went to war. However, that does not change the fact that the ISG has placed him in a no win, DB situation and does not relieve them of the responsibility for making his job much tougher now that he is there.

Double Bind War Suggestions

Just a few days ago the Iraq Study Group released its vaunted recommendations to the world that waited with baited breath. For weeks the press and TV reporters had anticipated the report with sky high expectations that the wise old men of a former administration would size up the situation and voila, make a few shrewd observations that President Bush, in his right wing dim witted manner had failed to grasp before, would gulp and have to implement immediately.

Well, the report is here and it contains some of the most insipid and meaningless insights available to humanity. Worse yet, these recommendations are so vapid and simple that most media types accept them immediately. They are at the level of the Rodney King slogan after he resisted arrest: "Why can't we all just get along?"

Why indeed, asks the ISG, can't we all get along? For example, this million dollar brain trust that met for weeks to discuss the Iraq War says, "Get Iran and Syria to help us win the War." Now that is brilliant. All we have to do is ask these two nations to put pressure on the Sunni and Shia suicide bombers to stop their killing and they will immediately cooperate with us.

No wonder President Bush is out of favor. He never thought of asking for assistance from Iran and Syria. And Rumsfeld was also negligent. No wonder he had to resign. The media experts can see right away why the wise old men of the ISG are so smart and Bush is so dumb.

But wait. Maybe we need to ask if Iran and Syria are motivated to help us win the war. But surely the ISG thought about that and asked these two nations first and they said, "We really love the USA and we want to see Bush and the Americans succeed." But when the co-chairs of the ISG were asked about the motivation of Iran and Syria we find that the group thinks they hate the US and want to see us defeated in Iraq. In fact, these two nations are actually training the suicide bombers and paying for the bombs!

I am a simple man that has no experience in Geo-political analysis, but I do understand competition. Let me put it this way. The Cincinnati Bengals are fighting for the right to go to the Super Bowl but Baltimore is way ahead of them. We cannot gain on Baltimore unless they lose to other teams. If Baltimore played another team last week and Coach Marvin Lewis wanted to see them lose, would it be likely that he could persuade the raven's coach to throw the game just to please Marvin and the Cincinnati fans?

Obviously the ISG knows nothing about football, basketball or warfare. They are ignorant about competition and motivation so they made ridiculous recommendations about cooperation in the Middle East. The ISG report is worse than bad for it sends the message to terrorists that the US is so weak and stupid that they can do anything they want. Second, it puts the President into a Double Bind. It is a Catch 22 and the media lemmings love it.

To use another sports analogy. We elect men and women to office to run our government that we would never allow to coach one of our sports. Most of them would give up as soon as the other team started to fight back. If a coach cannot stand tough for four quarters and cannot stand to see his players injured he cannot be a coach. But he can be a Senator or Representative.

I do not know what to do in Iraq. It is a mess and it is difficult. But, I also know that meaningless and impossible suggestions make things worse. James Baker retired after a distinguished career in government. He mistakenly came out of retirement thinking he was still able to throw a 100 mile an hour fast ball. Unfortunately he is living in a fantasy camp with a 40 mile slow ball.

Crazy Making Communications

One of my great interests is the pattern we see in so many dysfunctional families called, Catch 22 or Double Bind Communication Patterns. It is also sometimes called, "Crazy Making Talk" by therapists. I have pasted one such interaction below to illustrate just how much local schools seem to be involved in making their kids if not crazy at least terribly neurotic. The story comes from The Opinion Journal of the Wall Street Journal.

Schools and Catch 22

Tyler Stoken, a fourth-grader at Central Park Elementary School in Aberdeen, Wash., is in hot water after taking a standardized test, Bloomberg reports:

Tyler came upon this question: "While looking out the window one day at school, you notice the principal flying in the air. In several paragraphs, write a story telling what happens."
The nine-year-old was afraid to answer the question about his principal, Olivia McCarthy. "I didn't want to make fun of her," he says, explaining he was taught to write the first thing that entered his mind on the state writing test.

In this case, Tyler's initial thoughts would have been embarrassing and mean. So even after repeated requests by school personnel, and ultimately the principal herself, Tyler left the answer space blank. "He didn't want them to know what he was thinking, that she was a witch on a broomstick," says Tyler's mother. . . .

Because Tyler didn't answer the question, McCarthy suspended him for five days. He recalls the principal reprimanding him by saying his test score could bring down the entire school's performance.

"Good job, bud, you've ruined it for everyone in the school, the teachers and the school," Tyler says McCarthy told him.

Why in the world did he think she was a witch?

Schools teach kids to respect and obey their teachers. Tyler was doing his best to carry out that training, but he had a terrible Double Bind. The evil principal pulled a fast one on the kid by giving him a question that he could not answer without disobeying her.