Marriage is Changing in America

Over the past few decades we have seen a dramatic rise in inter racial and inter ethnic marriages. The Wall Street Journal reports on a new research study by the Pew Foundation that Black/White and Hispanic/White marriages are increasing almost every year. .

In my view, this bodes well for our nation and our world. When people from various backgrounds meet, fall in love and marry it implies that there are fewer conflicts between and among racial groups. However, when the biggest reason for divorce is an inability to deal well with differences and racial, ethnic, social and cultural differences can be difficult to manage. As a Family Therapist it appears that we need to bone up on how to assist people get along even though they are from different backgrounds.

This will also put new pressure on churches and their leaders since this is where much of the people with conflicts and differences emerge. Pastors and Lay Leaders provide much of the child care and marriage care in America so getting them better trained will be key to their success.

Saying No!

I was meeting with some friends tonight and we catted about the importance of dealing with adversity in a healthy manner. This friend has faced more adversity in his young life than most people and usually has an up beat, positive manner.

I know from years of counseling depressed people and from reading the research on how to be depressed and anxious that optimism is key to a mentally healthy life.

I asked him how he managed to do it with so much physical and emotional stress on his plate. My friend is honest and said that he has not always bouncced back from the difficulties of life but I finally decided to stop taking my "Happy Pills" and overcome this depression and pessimism with my intellect.

I asked, "How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I have to think positively and not let myself get down. When I do my wife bugs me and makes me cheer up. Now I have to sometimes challenge others to cheer up as well or they will bring me down."

"Explain that a bit more," I said.

"One of my relatives gets all worried and I have to say 'NO!' You can't do that and talk that way around here. I have learned how to say no to people."

He went on: "In fact, I have a saying that helps me. It goes like this: 'Learning to say no will bring your more satisfaction than learning Latin.'"

Isn't that terrific? I love it. We must learn to say no to ourselves and to others when things start to get pessimistic. If we don't, it will take us down into anxiety, worry and depression.

Thanks for that advice my friend. I will pass it on to others.

Love and Marriage

Karen and I have been married over 47 years and it gets sweeter every year. Here are some thoughts about marriage from youthful but keen observers.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynne, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Ricky has it right. Affirm your wife no matter what. The research shows that we need a 5 X 1 ratio of affirmation to complaints to have a great marriage.

Gary Sweeten

Sarah Palin and Working Moms

I listened to Sarah Palin's speech last night and wow, was she ever powerful, funny, ironic and tough. She took charge of the Republican convention and the TV audience even though she had to follow three pretty good speeches by much better known politicians in Rudy, Fred and Mike.

Governor Palin has come if for a lot of flack about her readiness to be the Vice President and "one heartbeat from the President". The Democrats and their associates in the TV industry have attacked her on many fronts and that is to be expected in national politics. However, one line of attack has been very surprising to me because I thought we had moved beyond the sexist crudities of past generations and because so much of the criticism is coming from the Left Wing of American life.

The Left has spent millions of dollars and billions of hours promoting the notion that women should be encouraged to do anything they want. Yet, now they are attacking Sarah because she is a woman and a mother who has a political career.

It occurred to me after hearing Sarah and reading about her that she is very much like the women I grew up around. My mother and most of the women in my area all worked at home and on the farms and in the factories. And, that was when women had few if any "labor saving devices" like micro waves and washer/dryer combinations. My grand mother Taylor ran a small grocery store while caring for her invalid husband. Mother worked at home and at a factory until she was able to get a job in the Post Office through Democrat politics. Farm wives milked the cows, drove tractors and cooked the food while every one of the kids pitched in as well.

Second, we were what is now called "Evangelicals" but no body thought working women were strange of un-biblical. Working was a necessity not a luxury; an economic fact of life not a theological option to be debated.

Governor Palin's approach to to family life is pretty much in line with the people in southern Illinois. She loves her husband and kids and is proud of them. The fact that one has a disability did not throw her into a crisis emotionally or spiritually not did she decide to destroy him because he was not "perfect". I grew up with a lot of imperfect people. We went to the same small school and had the same teacher for two or three grades and we all learned to help each other out. Our village was deeply engaged in helping each other grow up and learn how to love each other warts and all.

So, Mrs. Palin is a lot like the folks I knew and loved back home in Illinois. And, I think, she is a lot like me with similar concerns and similar approaches to life. She is a lot smarter, better organized and a better speaker than almost anyone I knew or know. She seems to have a natural grasp of how government systems ought to work and she seems to be able to move quickly to the bottom line in getting them to work.

I am shocked that so much of the political establishment finds Sarah, my background and me so far out and unusual. It never occurred to me that I would be considered a "Right Wing Radical" because I think it wrong to destroy disabled babies and right to love folks weaknesses, warts and all. But this is the world we now live in. It is a world view dominated by the far Left that pours its ideas out by the ton into the culture and is overwhelmingly difficult to change.

This is enough for now. Maybe more later on Moms and Dads and Family Relationships.