Compassion or Completely Ignore

Now that you have seen the raw numbers, I have a question: "what can we do about having so many neighbors facing a lifetime of medical. emotional, relational and spiritual barriers? Is there anything we can do to show compassion?

What would it take to really make a difference in the lives of these families? Do we need to have special training? Will I have to return to college and get another degree? If we get involved is there a danger the child could get sick or even die when I am caring for him or her? Do we have to sign a confidentiality statement or be in violation of the HIPPA Laws?

Well, it is easy to answer some of these questions. For example. HIPPA does not apply to caring for a person. Some of you do not even know what HIPPA is, but I have gotten this question several times already and I need to calm people's fears.

Second, our focus is on supporting the parents. Here is what we know about the challenges of rearing children. Parenting is not for cowards. It is stressful, wearying and full of overwhelming challenges that call for wisdom and experience. Oh, an by the way, it can be expensive. For parents and siblings and extended family members of children with a serious medical problem, the stresses, costs and demands seven days each week 24 hours per day are much higher.

Think and pray about what you as a young parent would need from friends, neighbors and caring Christians. Go through your own days with a small child or two and think what it costs you to always be on call. I will share later with you specifically what the parents in our yearlong study told us they needed, but I want you to think it over on your own.

One story comes to mind from a young mother with a son who was finding self discipline a hard thing to master. She went to a festival alone with two children and the eldest started taking his clothes off. As he ran before his mom she was carrying her baby and trying to catch the speeding kid who was rapidly moving ahead and re-moving his clothes.

Mom had such amazing resiliency. Despite originally feeling embarrassed, she decided that day to stop trying to become a super mom and be a regular mom with two hyper energetic sons. No more Wonder Woman, just be herself and enjoy those kids as much as possible.

Blessings and go to our web page and read some of it. You may also want to watch one or two of our videos. They are produced especially for parents and care givers but the principles will apply to anyone who is alive and kicking through life.

We will train folks with our Special Life Skills so they can tend to the parents, listen to them and help with practical things. We have a simple plan to positively support the families in need and help them achieve a place of joy, resilience and family love.

Thanks for reading...I would love to hear your feedback and questions. I am awfully bored just writing to myself.

By the way, we are putting up our display at the Xavier University sponsored Symposium Friday called Remarkable Parents. It will honor parents of children with a special need who have shown love, caring, innovation and resiliency.


Gary Sweeten

Kids with a Diagnosis

All the children and youth mentioned my recent posts have a diagnosis. Many were undiagnosed until they went to school and the teachers saw something wrong and asked a School Psychologist or another person to do a thorough interview and testing and the professional came up with what we call "A Differential Diagnosis".

May I add, such a diagnosis is not easy to do. It takes a well trained person who knows how to interview and knows all the possible categories into which a child might fall. This diagnosis is not fool proof or infallible. Unlike some diseases, many of the childhood areas of issues are not diagnosed with an X Ray, Blood Test or Biopsy. That means that there can be disagreements about the accuracy of what ails a child.

But skilled therapists can usually get pretty close and hopefully come up with a course of counseling and treatment that will assist the child and his parents. That means that the interviewer actually interviews the parents of the child and gets their input. As we found in our research, parents are rarely consulted by Doctors, Psychologists, Occupational Therapists, or Ministers. That is a shame and a real problem that Sweeten Life Systems will soon tackle in a very big way. (We are launching a new brand called, The Village Initiative with Parents or VIP to focus on Parents and other people who love children with a medical diagnosis.

Just consider this: If there are over 570,000 children and youth from birth to age 18 in our state, there must be two parents for each child, four grandparents and several siblings. Although the 570,000 kids represents a huge number of people to treat directly, double that number for parents, double it for the siblings and quadruple it for the grandparents. Wow, that is a lot of folks who are personally affected by the children in their family who have a serious medical problem.

Just count all the persons affected because there are so many children in Ohio who have to deal with a serious disability. Look at the following numbers:

Children + 570,000 + Two Parents 1,001,400.00 + Four Grand Parents 2,280,000 + Two siblings 2,280.000

This is a grand total of 6,270,000.00 people affected by all the children diagnosed with a medical issue in Ohio. That is roughly 50% of all the people who live here.

Does anyone care how the parents, grand parents and grandparents and siblings feel? Does anyone ever ask them or support them or care for them? Has anyone ever developed any Special Life Skills to improve their lives?

Would it make a difference is churches and community groups actually asked the extended family members what they needed?

We can tell you because we asked them who was helping them.

Kids With a Disability in Ohio

I offered you all some bait last time but nobody bit on it. I hope some of you read it and pondered the question. It is an important issue. Not just disability but knowing our neighbors who have a disability, especially children, and caring about them.

there has been a lot of information put out by various governmental and volunteer organizations about the numbers of seniors who require a care taker. However, the number of children and youth that need intensive care is not that well known. So, here goes again.

I mentioned these data today to some friends who are well educated. One is a Physician and two are nurses. I asked them to guess the percentage of kids from birth to 18 with a serious disability and all of them asked, "What kind of disability?"

That is a reasonable question. If we are speaking of mental disabilities then we would suppose a rather small percentage of the population. However, even after i said, "All kinds of mental, emotional and physical disabilities" they started to guess a pretty high percentage. However, not one of them guessed anywhere near the real number.

Nor did I come close when I was first queried about it. The number of kids ages birth to 18 in Ohio with a serious health need is 570,000! That is a lot of children and young people. How many of these young people do you know? How many of their parents do you know? Do you ever ask how the child is doing? Do you ever ask them how you could help?

Sweeten Life Systems is launching a new ministry to the parents, grand parents and care takers of these children and youth. We are going to call it The VIP Project for Village Initiative with Parents .Check out out web at www.sweetenlife.com to learn more.

Kids in Trouble

Howdy neighbor how ya doing?

This was a common greeting to people in my neighborhood when I was a kid. When we asked it, we did not always want an answer, but many times we got one anyway.

I was fortunate to grow up in a tiny village of 200 or so souls in southern Illinois. The major criticism of Ina's size was, "Everybody knows your business". That is a legitimate complaint, it seems, unless you live in an urban area like Cincinnati and nobody knows your name. In fact, it is not unusual for a person to die at home and lie there for days, weeks or months without anyone knowing they are gone. Nobody knowing your business is, in my view, much worse than everybody knowing your business.

One of the most successful TV shows in history was based on the notion that you could be welcomed at a certain bar named "Cheers". In fact, their theme song said that "Everybody knows your name". Many people find it warmer, and more welcoming in a bar than at church. No wonder so many people drink booze. They feel accepted.

I have a quiz for you. I was stunned to discover the statistics about how many of my neighbors in Ohio have children with a serious disability. I not only did not know their names I did not know they existed. Wow! How did I miss it?

Maybe you are like me. Here is a simple quiz to test your knowledge of neighbors.

How many kids in Ohio ages birth to 18 have a serious disability?

Another question: "What percentage of Ohio kids have a disability?"

There are some 12 million people in Ohio and 3 million children/youth ages birth to 18. So that is a hint for you.

Put your Answers on the comment page or Face Book or email me at gary@sweetenlife.com

Functional Family Life

For the past few weeks I have written about conflict. Some conflict is healthy and some is deadly. According to Dr. John Gottman the reason there is conflict between man and wife and parents and children is simple: Differences! People have little skill in dealing with even the slightest difference.

For example, I have received crisis calls from couples on a trip to Canada who got half way there and could not agree on what time the started. This was so difficult a difference that they soon got into a terrible argument. The argument got so heated and so out of control that they called me with a cry for my help.

We set up an appointment the following week and they came in as lovey as one could imagine. We chatted and laughed for a few minutes and then I asked, "Well, what was it that caused such a crisis between you that you had to call me from Canada?" They looked at each other with a puzzled expression and said, "We completely forgot what we were fighting about."

This was a regular event in their relationship and had been for over thirty years. But, it was not really destructive conflict that would lead to a divorce. The destructive conflict that is the primary reason couples get a divorce is different than their fights. This couple would fight and yell and scream and cry but they always stopped short of the one thing that would lead to emotional and spiritual destruction.

In fact, there are three ways people can handle differences and have conflict and still stay happily married. This is one that looks on the surface like a very dysfunctional marriage that will never last but most of them last forever. Here is why: They never attack each other. All the anger, hurt and yelling goes up to the sky and falls lazily back down to earth without doing mortal damage.

Some of you are saying, "That cannot be. I could not stand to have that much distension in my marriage and family life." You must fall into one of the other types that deal with conflict. Here is the key to handling conflict. Never, ever attack your partner's intellect, work habits, spiritual life, character, past history or sports teams. (Or anyone else for that matter.) Attacking ends up in the court house not the lake house. In Ohio that will cost you 50% of all you own and a lifetime of misery.

The couple mentioned above love each other deeply. Maybe too deeply because ti takes only a small amount of difference for the other to feel abandoned, dissed or attacked. When a couple is too closely stuck together any small separation can seem like a large attack. But, they love too much to attack the other. They are called a VOLATILE couple. The argument is just t prelude to a very romantic make up session! In fact, some couples have learned to fight so they can have a terrific kiss and make up.

Next time, the AVOIDANCE couple.

The Real Saint Patrick

The Real Saint Patrick

MARCH 17, around 461 AD, St. Patrick died. As a teenager, the Roman Legions guarding his community in Britain had to be withdrawn to defend Rome, as invading heathen hordes, such as the Visigoths, Ostrogoths, Vandals and Huns, were overruning the borders. Unprotected, Britain was attacked by raiders, who carried away thousands.

Patrick was captured and sold as a slave in Ireland, which was ruled by the Druids, who practiced human sacrifice. For six years Patrick herded animals until he escaped. In his forties he had a dream calling him back to Ireland. In his Confession, Patrick wrote:

"In the depth of the night, I saw a man named Victoricus coming as if from Ireland, with innumerable letters, and he gave me one and while I was reading I thought I heard the voice of those near the western sea call out: 'Please, holy boy, come and walk among us again.' Their cry pierced my very heart, and I could read no more, and so I awoke." Patrick returned to Ireland, confronted the Druids, converted Chieftains, and used the three-leaf clover to teach the Trinity.

The Druids tried to ambush and kill Patrick nearly a dozen times: "Daily I expect murder, fraud or captivity, but I fear none of these things because of the promises of Heaven." Baptizing 120,000 and founding 300 churches, Saint Patrick wrote: "Patrick the sinner, an unlearned man to be sure. None should ever say that it was my ignorance that accomplished any small thing, it was the gift of God." In the next century, Irish missionaries evangelized the heathen hordes which had overrun Europe.

Provided by the American Minute

More About Conflict

Former Governor Mark Sanford confessing that he shamed his wife and family by treating them contemptuously

So far I have been posting every few days about conflict in relationships with a special emphasis on conflict that leads to divorce. Dr. John Gottman has done research on the topic of differences in marriage that lead to conflicts that result in personal attacks and then to divorce. I found his research interesting, enlightening and revealing. It also begged for a simple interpretation for the normal reader.

If we look at how a marital relationship goes from good to bad to awful and then to miserable and terrible, it would appear something like this.

Stage I. Contentment with peace reigning between the partners

Stage II. Conflict-Complaints:Low level with some Complaints that are designed to solve arguments over a difference between them. If it stays at Complaints it can strengthen the marriage. Jesus warned us to be careful and judge ourselves when we get angry, frustrated. Hurt, anger and Complaints can be dangerous or healing.

Stage III. Conflict-Criticism: Here is when anger, frustration and Complaints turn into personal attacks on the partner's behavior. In terms Jesus used, it is calling the one you love stupid.

Stage IV. Conflict-Contempt: This is the most serious and damaging way to deal with differences. Jesus said, "If we call our partner a fool we are in danger of hell fire!" WOW! That is bad.

This is the stage we have reached tonight. If you are in a marriage where one or both partners is showing disrespect with character attacks and contemptuous actions, get assistance from a good couple Counselor immediately.

Jesus was a great therapist. He understood the damage to one's soul that occurs when we treat them with contempt. there is an immediate physical reaction of Fight or Flight. The emotions are flooded and the heart is scarred deeply within. If either has been deeply scarred as a child the old wounds will be opened and the pain deepened.

Showing Contempt is treating another person as an object of shame with no integrity and no identity. It is hard to recover from shaming. It requires hard work along with forgiveness, prayer and God's Holy Spirit.

Jesus was right. It is hell in the heart set on fire by a reckless tongue or reckless behavior like pornography, adultery or abuse.

See to it that you husbands love your wives as Jesus loved the church and died for her.

And you wives, respect your husbands and lift them up to God. Ephesians 5.