Parenting with Personal and Marital Joy

My friend Linda Watson wrote this article almost 20 years ago. As I was about to leave my position at College Hill Presbyterian Church I had a special class for the staff and church leaders on "Developing Healthy Families" and Linda was in the class.



Her boys were "real boys" with high energy, sibling rivalry and keen insights about how to hassle their mom. Linda was a hard working, overly zealous mother who, like most young moms, wanted to have perfect, peaceful and kind kids. They saw to it that she was in a state of chronic worry because she was "failing" as a "good mother".


After hearing me teach and show role plays about family systems, Linda had an epiphany. "I am rewarding their fights. I must change me to influence them. I shall change my getting in the middle of their fights. WOW! That took courage as you shall see.




The Night I Stopped Being a Referee
Linda Watson

One of the roles I have played for years for my two boys is a referee. My boys are 2 & 1/2 years apart and they often fought other. A fight brought one of them running to me and I became the referee. I thought if only I could become a better referee and come up with just the right punishment, lecture or scripture verse to make them be good Christian brothers, the fighting would cease or at least get better. But it was getting worse as they got older. Joel was 10 and Ethan 8 at the time and I, who swore I would never scream at my kids, was reacting to the conflict as a screaming maniac.

One typical evening, I told the boys they had five minutes to get ready for bed and whoever was not ready with teeth brushed and pajamas on was getting a spanking. (One of my better referee tactics was to set a time limit so short they didn’t have time to fight.)

In a few seconds the screaming and fighting began. Ethan, the younger, came running and said, “Mom! Joel hit me in the stomach!.” I tried to respond by asking, “What did you do…” but Joel said, “Mom, he threw my pajamas across the room. Besides you always let him get by with more than me.” (There was a grain of truth in that accusation and I was stunned.)

My own anger escalated because I failed as a referee. However, I rather calmly said, “You have five minutes to get ready for bed. If you are not ready then you will be spanked. You have to make your own decisions about how you are going to treat each other. I am no longer going to referee your fights”.

They left the room and in a few minutes I heard the usual chaos. “Mom, Joel hit me.” Then, “Mom, Ethan hit me first.” I called back, “I want to remind you that you have exactly three minutes to get ready for bed. If you are not ready you will be spanked. I am not coming in there to referee so you can do whatever you want to each other.”

About three minutes later both came into my room. Ethan was very quiet but Joel fell down before me crying and started to beg me to be a referee again. “Mom, don’t do this please. Just go back to the way you were before.” (I said to myself, “Maybe I have hit on something good here. Is this what we have discussed in Gary Sweeten’s Family Class about how changes cause shock waves throughout the entire system? Is Joel just acting out to try to suck me back into my old patterns of refereeing?”)

When I said I would no longer referee I was unaware I was making such a big change in my pattern and the entire family system. I just needed to do something. I said it more out of desperation than anything else. I was unaware of the role I was playing and how I was getting caught into the triangle between the boys. To Joel I replied, “This is very interesting. Just a few minutes ago you were complaining how unfair I was as a referee. I gave you five minutes to do anything you want to Ethan without getting into trouble and you want me to go back to a referee.”

Joel began to cry loudly and say, “Please Mom; please! Don’t do this! Please just be the way you were. What if we hurt one another or kill one another?” I said, “I guess if you made that choice you would have to live with it wouldn’t you.” I was amazed at how calm I was. I did not yell or scream. I was not enmeshed with him! He was crying but I did not comprehend all the dynamics or why he was so upset but I simply said, “Joel, I am going to change. I will not be a referee any more. We will talk more when your father is home.”

Bill arrived a few minutes later but we didn’t have enough time or calmness with Joel’s weeping to get everything straightened out so Bill just said, “Hold it. Let’s go to bed now and talk tomorrow.”

It had been a good start but I was still pretty anxious. The next day the boys and I were talked in the car but the discussion was too brief for real insights. However, things were smoother. The real test came at supper. With Joel’s baseball game after school we had a tight schedule, just right for a big fight.

I served spaghetti for dinner, Joel said to Ethan, “Now that Mom will not referee we can do anything we like.” .He proceeded to fire a fork load of spaghetti at Ethan who smiled and loaded his fork. I said, “I think you have this all wrong. I need to redefine referee. Any food that lands on the table, floor or walls you will have to clean up.”

Ethan promptly picked up one of Joel’s carrot sticks and dunked it into his milk and Joel retaliated. “I said calmly, excuse me but the rule still applies that you must eat all your veggies.” Joel turned and started to say something belligerent when I said, “Another thing has not changed. You may not be disrespectful to me.”

Then we began to eat in silence. I was amazed at my new peace. Maybe they were not having fun but I sure was, but the calm did not last for long. Joel finished first and swatted Ethan on the head as he rose from the table. Ethan took his shoe off and reared back to fling it when I said, (With some anxiety) “Whatever the shoe hits you are responsible for.” Joel retorted, “Yes, and if I get hurt you will have to pay the doctor bills.”

That caused me to question myself. (“What if he gets hurt? What if…?) Will I be responsible for the bills? But before I could go much farther with the ‘What ifs’ Ethan broke in and said, “Mom, you are a Mom, right?” I said, “Yes. Ethan, I am a Mom.” Ethan continued, “Moms are supposed to be referees.” I smiled and said, “Ethan, I am not going to be a referee any more but I am still going to be your mother.”

We had to leave immediately to get to the game on time so I ran to get the car keys. I was really enjoying myself in this new role. But the good feelings did not last long before I heard Ethan screaming. “Oh, no” I thought. “Ethan is probably injured and how can I explain my non-refereeing stance to the ER when my children were trying to kill one another? And, who is responsible for the Doctors’ bills? “

At the bottom of the stairs Ethan was lying on the kitchen floor weeping profusely with loud groans. “I can’t walk, I am hurt bad. Joel kicked me in the leg with his baseball cleats!” My old referee habit immediately sprang into action and I yelled, “Joel! Come here immediately!” Then I saw him peeking around the door with a look that said, “Come on Mom. You can do it. You can be the referee again!”

That look brought me to my senses and I inspected Ethan’s badly bruised leg to find no marks at all. I calmly informed them that as soon as Ethan could walk we would go to the game. Joel complained loudly “I just knew we would be late for the game” but I refused to take the blame bait. Instead I said, “Joel, one of the consequences of choosing to hit your brother is being late to the game.” But, it seemed that Ethan was able to recover quickly so we were able to leave with no delay.

I tried to fill Bill in on these matters while watching the game but not much of the new developments were made clear or understood. I left for my evening commitment somewhat apprehensive that the boys would get out of hand. When I got home and asked Bill how things went he said, “It was fine. In fact, I also told the boys I am not going to be a referee either. To which Ethan replied: “I may run away from home.”

We went into their room to pray for the boys and I said, “Ethan, daddy says that you really don’t like us not being referees any more and you might run away. I want you to know that if you choose to run away I will really miss you.” Joel chose that moment to begin to cry and beg us to return to our old ways. “Please, please don’t do this,” he said. “I want be punished so I can be a good adult, We may kill each other if you don’t go back to what you were doing.”

With so much bombarding us we did not know where to start but we said that we have so many other choices and ways to manage conflict other than killing or hurting each other. There are other alternatives to channeling anger. We also wanted to address Joel’s idea that punishment would make him a good adult. That night we made a promise to ourselves that we would be parents instead of referees or police officials.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There are times when I tend to slip back into my referee mode but I am definitely having more fun as a parent when I play the game of life with my children rather than being on the sidelines with a whistle. So often I was ready to frantically blow the whistle in the midst of a fight but now I have changed. I discovered that being a referee is not much fun but I love being a MOM! Linda Watson 1989 revised 2007

Joel lives in Dayton and Ethan in Denver. During their high school years and to this day are best friends. Ethan was just married and Joel was the best man. Please let people know that if I had not been in your class I would have thought I had made a horrible mistake, especially when the boys did such a good job of trying to get me to take back my old role. I can’t emphasize enough how important it was for me to understand the dynamics that were going on when I made the second order change and the class affirmation that I had in fact done the right and healthy thing!! (Update from Linda, March 12, 07)

Go to my web for more materials.

Sin and MuslimTerrorists

On September 10, 2001 there was a special television program about "The Lost Boys of Sudan". Young men from families slaughtered by the Muslim dictators had come to the USA through Catholic Charities. They marveled that they could live here in peace, security and safety.

Although they were placed in Minnesota where the weather was very cold, they boys stated how much they loved the USA. One boy told about the time he went down to the river to get water. While bending over to dip the water an alligator jumped out and grabbed his little brother, eating him with a few short gulps. The young man said, "Life in my country was short, brutal and unpredictable, but here it is safe."

The next day, was September 11, 2001. I wonder how those same boys were feeling after the attacks by Muslim terrorists. That day US seemed about as unpredictable as the rest of the world. The contrast between the two cultures seemed to be less striking.

It is not, of course, for we still live in amazing peace and prosperity. Yet, the realization that safety is not guaranteed by our constitution has shaken all of us. Now we are anxiously start to look for answers to eternal questions.

This, in fact, may be the most fertile ground to witness about Christ. Americans are ready to listen to information about God during a crisis. Over the past few years our nation has changed in its attitude toward problems. We have moved away from taking sin, sickness, disease, disaster and accidents for granted. At one time we thanked God for good gifts. Blessings were seen as abnormal and pain was an everyday occurrence. Now we assume that all sicknesses and diseases will be healed, poverty erased and pain eliminated.

Historically, people knew that evil was real, sickness and death were constant companions and we hoped for heaven. That reality has changed. OSHA, community health groups and media imply that any accident, sickness and disease is an aberration. Media now that broadcast every anthrax death as though it were the bubonic plague. Now we take peace, prosperity, safety, health and long-life for the norm. Sickness, accidents or terrorist attacks are inconsistent with the world as we want it. A 99% record of success is seen as failure.

Firestone

Only in America would we put a company like Firestone out of business for failing once in 20 million products. We believe in a perfect world created by OSHA and spoiled by greed rather than one created by God and spoiled by the fall and sin. I am happy that OSHA and other government groups exist but I did not expect them to usher in the new millennium. I do not look for lions to rest with lambs any time soon. The terrorist attacks woke us to the fact that evil exists; now we are trying to understand how it affects us.

I am no scholar 911 memorial that he could not find an explanation for evil. For over 30 years I have been thinking about evil and sin as they apply to psychopathology and psychotherapy. I am a pastor/therapist interested in God’s gifts of healing. I have to deal with the reality of evil in the lives of people every day. Widows, mothers of fatherless children, parents of psychotic kids and abused wives seek me out in a constant stream of pain that will not allow me to deny the reality of evil. I have good friends whose cancer brought despair and death. Some were spiritual giants while others laughed at God yet both groups were sick unto death. How do we explain that?

The issue before us is a challenge, but perhaps we can look at it with wisdom and some beginning understanding. We might call it, with apologies to Tina Turner, “What’s Sin Got To Do With It?” Several years ago, a book by Dr. Menninger named, What Ever Happened to Sin? hit the market. In it he addressed the confusion between sin and psychopathology. I will address similar issues but broaden the discussion to include fallen nature in general.

As a pre-test to this topic, let me ask some questions. Which of the following statements makes the most sense to you? The reason we were attacked @ 911 is

1. Our nation’s sin. We deserved it. “God would have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah if He did not judge America in this way.”
2. The attackers are evil people, rotten to the core. They were just living out their sinful natures and violent religion.
3. The terrorists were gaining honor for Islam and its people. We need to understand how they feel about the Crusades and their fall from world influence and leadership.
4. They chose to do wrong.
5. All of the above in some combination.
6. There is no real evil. All good and bad are in the head.
7. I do not know. Only God knows for sure.
8. It is a combination of all these things

The answer to such a question tells us something about the way or ways we see sin, sins, evil and “why bad things happen to good people.”

Are Muslims simply worse sinners than folks from a Christian background? Is evil only happening among Muslims and atheists? Is evil real?

Alcoholism in Russia

A great news story on Fox News today showed the devastating effects of smoking and drinking. Our ministry has trained a cadre of experts who are mobilizing churches and Christian leaders to reach the alcoholics and their families.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009
By Dana Lewis

Russia is grappling with a major public health crisis in which residents are essentially drinking and smoking themselves to death, according to the country’s public health officials.

About a million Russians die each year from alcohol- and smoking-related causes -- between 600,000 and 700,000 of those deaths are attributed to drinking alone, Andrei Demin, of Russia’s Public Health Association, told Fox News.

“It’s threatening the future of the country,” he said.

The problem? Unlike other countries, Russia has refused to levy hefty taxes on cigarettes and alcohol to discourage drinking and smoking.

The resulting statistics are staggering:

— The average Russian drinks 50 bottles of vodka a year.

— A bottle of beer can be purchased on the street for less than the cost of a bottle of water.

— Twelve million of Russia’s 141 million residents have died over the past 15 years due to alcohol-and smoking-related causes.

— A pack of cigarettes can be purchased for about 30 cents.

— The average Russian male lives to be 60 years old, dying 15 years earlier than his American counterpart. Russian women die 13 years earlier than American women.

Although the country has launched a series of television commercials encouraging Russians to choose healthier lifestyles, many critics say this is of little benefit.

So far, Russian President Vladimir Putin has refused recommendations to raise taxes on cigarettes and alcohol, with some health critics saying the Kremlin would the Russian public stay “pacified and anesthetized."


Support the Russian Ministry by donating to www.sweetenlife.com

Marriage Mentoring

Almost every day news media cover some terrible and tragic stories about the results of sex outside marriage and babies/children without two parents in the home. For example, today in the Cincinnati Enquirer there is a story about a mother and father who are fighting over the custody of their daughter.

Mom and Dad were never married but had one child, at least.

Mom had another child earlier with another man who is living with a foster family.

Dad got a court order to have visitation rights but Mom disagreed.

Mom is currently living with a man with whom she is not married.

Mom kidnapped the child and hid her from Dad and the police.

Mom was arrested.

Police found the child.

Police took the child into custody and would not allow Dad to have her despite the court order.

This is a mess and is costing our government many thousands of dollars. It will damage all the children involved and very likely result in several generations of damaged, addicted, traumatized adults and cost millions. Few of these kids will get an education, keep a job or make enough money to take care of themselves. Many will be involved in violent crimes and end up in prison.

Almost 40% of all children born in America are to single Mothers who are on welfare. the kids will be on welfare their entire lives. Medicare is broke. Medicaid is broke. But the financial, social and psychological destruction of this epidemic is far worse than either Medicare or Medicaid.

What is the answer? Marriage before sex or at least before children. Husbands and wives staying together and rearing their children, making sure kids get a good education.

These are critically important.

This requires churches and Christians who know how to minister healing and wholeness to their people. Every church needs 12 Step Groups, Peer Care and Healing, Divorce Recovery and Prayer Groups.

Contact

Sweeten Life Systems

to learn how to be a healthy church. On August 29 I will teach a seminar on Mentoring Marriages. Sign up at the web site.

Soul Mates

The Associated Press brings us the latest on the saga of Gov. Mark Sanford

Sanford said Tuesday that he "crossed lines" with a handful of women other than his mistress--but never had sex with them. The governor said he "never crossed the ultimate line" with anyone but Maria Belen Chapur, the Argentine at the center of a scandal that has derailed his once-promising political career.

"This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story," Sanford said. "A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day."

During an emotional interview at his Statehouse office with The Associated Press on Tuesday, Sanford said Chapur is his soul mate but he's trying to fall back in love with his wife.

This comment alone is enough to convince me that Gov Sanford is completely out of touch with his broken soul. Read my article at www.sweetenlife.com and see how many times people at middle age try to live above sin and go berserk when a certain kind of woman appears and "steals their heart away". Sanford said he had "crossed the line" many times before but he obviously did not get the help he needed then. Why?

Gov. Sanford and his wife Jenny hosted a series of Bible studies and Mentoring sessions led by Cubby Culbertson. Why did they not get the help they needed? The program is a hard hitting approach to honor, fidelity, responsibility and duty as leaders and husbands. The legalistic approach was big on accountability and small on facing our inner struggles honestly. This is the result of a legalistic approach to Christian growth.

Romans 5:20 The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21 so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.


The legal approach to dealing with sin causes the trespassing to increase.

African Hope

Many of us have prayed for Africa and sent money to support the ministries there. The American government has sent trillions of dollars to help Africa. How has it worked?

My good friends just returned from a ministry trip to Africa. They are deeply compassionate people and spend money and time giving themselves to help people in need. They returned beaming with warm remembrances of the people but faces lined with worry about the future of Africa.

According to my them, there are Non-Governmental Organizations on every corner. Most of them are dispensing money, medical services, advice and comfort to the people. They and Government Groups have been doing this for several centuries yet the situation is unimproved and even worse. Why?

It reasons are simple. The top leaders are corrupt. They despise their own people and see that as long as the people are poor, sick and traumatized the western nations will send them money. So, it pays to have sick, miserable people.

Take a look at this web site for some insights about what will help Africa.

Repent for the Past?

I read a blog this morning about the way many younger Christians feel a need to "repent for the sins of past and country church leaders." Here is my reply.

I agree with the premise that it is wrong for people to remedy sins committed by past generations. However, it seems to me that we Protestants have missed the mark when it comes to this discussion. The article confuses confession and repentance.

To confess the past sins and ask God to forgive, release our nation of True Moral Guilt is appropriate if we are implicated in the long term consequences of that Guilt. To repent means we have a personal change of heart and behavior. We can't change past behavior of leaders but we can change our current behavior. So, confess? Yes. Repent of the past? No.

How to be a Healthy Christian Sinner

I receive a weekly devotional with the name, Graced Again and it is generally quite good. Take a look at the following comments and see what you think.

A Gospel-centered life is the Christian Waltz. A waltz is a dance made up of three steps. Christians need to consider the Christian three step when it comes to growth.

In the first step, we acknowledge our need as we see our sin in light of the Law.

In the second step, we look to Christ to change us.

In the third step, we fight against sin and fight to choose righteousness in the strength of the Holy Spirit.

Repent! Believe! Fight!
Repent! Believe! Fight!
Repent! Believe! Fight!

An emphasis on the love and grace of God lays the dance floor, or the foundation, for the waltz. Unless Christians are convinced of God’s love for them and His favor over them by virtue of their union with Christ, they will minimize their sin and engage in blame-shifting and excuse- making in order to feel justified before God.

Unfortunately, many in the Church today teach believers a Two-step. The two-step is to simply repent and fight. They acknowledge their sin and proceed with new resolve to try harder to avoid sin. The problem with this approach is it bypasses the cross of Christ and the power of the resurrection. Bob Flayhart

Send me your comments on how to help Christian Sinners stay spiritually and emoionally healthy.

Gary Sweeten

Go Into all the World

The Vicar of Vincennes, or Vicksburg or Vernon, made a great comment on my last post. I agree with it whole heartedly.

Today, Jens-Petter, Peder Paulsen and I did a short seminar of this topic, "The Church as an Equipping, Healing Community. We gathered with fifty or so saints at Karlslunde Lutheran Church just outside Copenhagen where I have been many times before. It is the "Mother Church" for the Holy Spirit Renewal" in Denmark and many great things have been birthed there that have touched thousands around the world.

Teleios Denmark is centered at Karlslunde Church and hundreds of leaderds have taken my training in Listening, Renewed Thinking, Breaking Free from the Past, etc. Jens-Petter and I stayed wikth Gina, a lady whose spiritual journey and growth has touched so many, including her son and daughter who are key leaders in taking God's love, truth and power to others.

Kirsten Callensen, Gina's daughter, has taken Listening and RCT into her professional work as a Psychologist that works with families touched by Autism and Aspergers. Kirsten is doing some extremely creative and significant work by bringing a combination of Psychological, Medical, Theological and Spiritual wisdom and knowledge together.

Kirsten's work is in the Government's clinics and private clinics. It is not openely "Christian" but she is using her time, talents and gifts to bring healing to these stressed out families. Read Luke 10 and see if you can find room for Kirsten's "Secular" ministry in the charge of Jesus to the disciples.

Growing in Christ is not for Cowards

This post a few days ago garnered a few comments but not as many as I wanted. It is my hope to stimulate some deeper thinking on the part of my readers and enter into dialogue with you. Read it again and see if you agree with Dr. David Benner, the author and an author in spiritual growth.

Conversion is the lifelong transformational process of being remade into the image of God. It is so much more than simply trying to avoid sin. The focus of repentance and conversion is Jesus, not my sin nor my self. My attachment to sinful ways of being is much too strong to ever be undone by mere willpower. There is no substitute for surrender to divine love as the fuel to propel such undoing. Divine love transforms both my heart and my will. Divine love enables me to choose God’s will over mine. Without this, repentance will be nothing more than a self-help scheme based on effort and resolve." David Benner, Surrender to love.

Graced again is compiled by Tom Wood, Church Multiplication Ministries, a non-profit, whose mission is starting, strengthening, multiplying grace-centered churches through consults and coaching church planting pastors, leaders and emerging leaders. Sign up on the web at Graced Again.

I agree with some and disagree with some.

1. Conversion is the lifelong transformational process of being remade into the image of God.
I disagree.

a. The issue is not just conversion which indicates a willful repenting and turning away from our behavior. Sanctification or growth in Christ requires more than will power because the fall did more than tempt us to make bad but conscious decisions. Luther's first book was called Bondage of the Will and indicates his genius to see that sin is deep and unconscious. Thus we all need God's power not just our will power to set us free within. Benner says we are in bondage My attachment to sinful ways of being is much too strong to ever be undone by mere will power.
but contradicts himself by going on to state:

There is no substitute for surrender to divine love as the fuel to propel such undoing.

I cannot surrender without God's visitation first.

Sanctification also means that we live in a perpetual state of confession of our true moral guilt; that we recognize and admit that we deserve justice but we have justification through Jesus.

Last, we are covered with a sense of shame or a loss of identity and inheritance. When we through Adam and Eve were removed from paradise, we entered a universe of confusion. But through God we have been adopted and give a new name, a new identity and a new inheritance.

Sanctification means that we need Jesus to take care of our will, our sickness, our guilt and our shame on a daily basis. Repentance is impossible without all the rest.

b. We did not lose our imago Dei at the Fall in Eden. It was deeply marred but not destroyed. The most important aspects of the imago Dei, such as an ability to relate to the Godhead and make decisions and think remain in humanity. Perhaps the most important dimension, that of being a Vice Regent or Ambassador for God, is intact. Even though we are deeply flawed God continues to imbue us with His call to represent Him around the world.

I would say, "Sanctification is the sum total of receiving God's mercy and grace to set me free from all known and unknown sin, guilt, shame and bondage.

What do you think?

Bread and Circuses

Narcissus

It has long been a tenet of historians that the thing that brought down the Roman Empire would also bring down the American and Western European Empires. It appears that the fall is almost complete.

I often listen to ministers and youth workers tell stories about the almost total lack of boundaries among today's youth. I read a story in the paper today that needs to be read by everyone so we can increase our prayers for Americans, English and Europe. You can find it here on the Daily Mail's web page.

When the sexual license of today is added to the way Government is spending money to entertain us and keep us happy, it appears that it won't be long before football will be supplanted by lions and Christians.

We must prayerfully seek God's guidance on how to reach the western societies with Christ. Calling all Seasoned Believers to rise from our padded pews and rise up with grace, love and power to defeat the enemy. Passivity will never win the battle.

Write me about how you will contribute.

Gary Sweeten

www.sweetenlife.com

A Church Doing Good

Take care of the family!

Tonight I start a five week class for couples who want to enrich their marriages. These are parents whose children are in a group at Good Shepherd Lutheran Church in Kenwood, and I am thrilled with their request.

The most important thing a church can do to "Heal the broken hearted and set the captives free" is to help parents love each other and their kids with faith, discipline and nurture.

The desire to reach outside the church to rescue the poor, homeless and bereft is laudable. However, any outreach program must be preceded by "Equipping the members to live more effective lives." Otherwise, the church does not have anything to offer those outside their four walls.

When a congregation is growing in health and love the members will automatically touch family and friends with the overflow of God's healing grace and mercy. However, when we do not have anything to share why try to help others?

Good Shepherd is doing both. They are reaching out and reaching in. That is the balance that is needed for a church to be healthy. What practical training are you offering your members to help them grow in faith, hope and love?

Do you have pre-marital classes?

Marriage enrichment classes?

Parenting classes?

Why not?

Gary Sweeten

http://www.sweetenlife.com/

Hope for Homosexual Christians

Lights in the darkness!

The light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not overcome it. John 1:5


Today we heard Kristin Johnson Tremba and Brad Grammer tell how God brought them out of same sex relationships. Each was better than the other. Their stories were compelling, hopeful and painful.

1. Compelling because their stories are so different from what the Politically Correct Police in our media are saying. The air is full of stories urging us all to accept same sex compulsions as natural and unchanging but Kristin and Brad's stories show that the PC Police are off base.

2. Hopeful because these are great models of what God can do to bring healing and growth to people stuck in a lifestyle of confusion and compulsive sin. There are few places where the healing message of Jesus Christ is presented so convincingly and lovingly. Hopeful because some Christians finally did respond to them in love and acceptance. Hopeful because God intervened in miraculous ways.

3. Painful because so much of their youth was filled with their confusion and pain and because of the churches and Christians who failed to help them find a way out of their confusion. Painful because so many people are confused and fearful about the causes and cures of sexual dysfunctions. Painful because so many Christian leaders are caught up in sexual sins. Real painful because so few churches seek the healing love of Jesus for their members.

You can learn more about where to get help to establish your church as a healing community by contacting me at gary@sweetenlife.com

Gary Sweeten
http://www.sweetenlife.com/

Hope for 2009

Karl Barth offered this prayer before a Christmas Communion in Basil, Switzerland, in 1958:

“We remember before thee all darkness and suffering of our time...We remember the sick and mentally ill, the needy, the refugees, the oppressed and the exploited, the children who have no good parents or no parents at all. We remember all those who are called on to help as much as [humans] can help, the officials of our country and of all other countries, the judges and civil servants, the teachers and educators, the writers of books and newspapers, the doctors and nurses in the hospitals, the preachers of thy word...We remember them all when we implore thee to let thy light of Christmas shine brightly, much more brightly than ever, for them and for us, so that they and we ourselves may be helped. We ask all this in the name of the Savior in whom thou hast already hearkened to our supplications and wilt do so again and again.”

May Christ himself shine “much more brightly than ever” in our hearts, and may we discern his brightness in the darkest and most unexpected places this year.

Amen.

From Russia with Love

I was in Russia for two weeks and we had a great time. I was able to sp;end a good bit of quality time with the leadership team and discuss what they see as the keys to healthy ministry. It was agreed by the whole group that learning the ABCD process of Renewed Thinking was the best thing that happened in their learning.



Now the team is responsible to carry the materials and processes to other churches and towns around Russia. In the next couple of weeks on of the men, a Pastor, will make to big trips to teach a new crop of students. Then, later, he flies to the work camp set apart for alcoholics and drug addicts. The camp is over a thousand miles from Moscow and it is filled with a combination of alcoholic boys and hard boiled criminals.



The groups being set up and supported by our friends have proven to be very powerful in rehabbing the young men struck in those camps. Now, Pastor A___ wants to set up a church just for the men who come to faith in Christ and get off drugs through the Christian groups. If you are interested in supporting Pastor A ____ let me know. His church will be designed especially for those coming out of drugs and prison.

One of the best things I saw upon landing in Copenhagen was a water fountain. Yep, a plain old water foungtain. Every drop of water drunk of used for tea in Russia must be bought. Ahhh! The simple pleasures of Denmark.

Gary Sweeten

Copenahgen, Denmark

A Great Time In Russia

As I travel around the world and experience the stresses of economic uncertainty, family trauma and relational pain I am reminded of the assessments of experts such as Dr. Roberta Gilbert, an MD Psychitrist. She joins many others who think we are experiencing a time of societal regression in many nations. Societal regression occurs when there is an increase in all the negative aspects of life and a decrese in the positive aspects.
Negative Aspects: Violence, family breakups, family abuse, alcohol and drug abuse, smoking, interpersonal clashes, depression, anxiety, increased greed, leaders abuse power, sexual predators are commion, etc.
Positive Aspects: Family harmony, economic growth and basic needs are met, mutual caring, attendance at religious services, traditions are remembered and kept, parents are honored, children are desired, sexual relationships are monogamous, character is desired over beauty, peace and harmony are widespread.

Despite the widespread growth of the negative factors in many nations, we are seeing the development of powerful, loving Christian communities in numerous cities. (See above photo)Building a community that swims upstream against the tide of dysfunction is not easy but with faith in God and an open spirit to His guidance and power it can be done. These communities are light houses that offer hope, love and healing in a very dark culture.

The Russian people are reeling from many wars, the reign of an evil socialist empire for Seventy years and the death/destruction of numeorus good people. Entire families were wiped out by the Bolsheviks and 92,000 Orthodox Priests were killed for no reason other than they stood for love and mercy. Protestant Ministers and ther churches were also destroyed in a bllody attempt to replace love with evil.

The Russian churches and its people are recovering and working hard to rebuild the society based on godly principles. It is a long hard battle ans will take the prayers and support of Believers around the world.

Last night I visited with about fifty men and women who are deeply involved in the Recovery programs of Liferoute. There was an open and quite lively discussion about how to best relate to family and friends in a healthy and upbuilding manner. Such discussions were prohibited by the Communists and if the militant Atheists in America have their way it will be stopped in our own nation. Research from all over the world shows that Christianity produces health and wealth in any nation that comes to faith in large numbers. Here is Russia we can see what happens when the state viciously attacks our faith.

So, pray for our friends here. They are making progress despite great odds.

Gary Sweeten

Can We Do More to Help Troubled Folks?

"SCARY" STATISTICS

Several surveys conducted during the past decade suggest that the prevalence of depression among college students is growing, and that it eclipses the rate in the general public. Richard Kadison, MD, chief of the Mental Health Service at Harvard's University Health Services in Boston, Mass, offered what he called some "scary" statistics.

Citing a 2000 survey by the American College Health Association, Kadison said that within the last school year, 61% of college students reported feeling hopeless, 45% said they felt so depressed they could barely function, and 9% felt suicidal. The National Mental Health Association's College Student and Depression Pilot Initiative lists suicide as the second leading cause of death among college students.

Another survey by researchers at Kansas State University in Manhattan has shown that from 1988-1992 to 1996-2001, the proportion of students who came to its counseling center with depression increased from 21% to 41%. A 1999 survey by researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles, reported that 30% of college freshman felt overwhelmed by the transition to campus life, compared with only 16% in 1985. The US Surgeon General's report on mental health in 1999 indicated that about 20% of US adults will experience depression at some time in their lives.

Todd Sevig, PhD, director of the University of Michigan Counseling and Psychological Services, examined 1992-2002 utilization data from counseling centers at the 11 universities that comprise the Big Ten Conference. "There has been roughly a 42% increase in the number of students seen at these counseling centers," he said.

Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), in Boston, also has recorded an increase in the number of students seeking counseling. Kristine Girard, MD, chief of Mental Health Services, said that from 1995 to 2000, the proportion of the student body seeking counseling increased from 8% to 12%. "That figure continues to rise at about 1% per year, and it taxes our services," said Girard.

The USA is experiencing a dramatic rise in Mood Disorders and the churches founded by the Great Physician are doing little to alleviate the problem. Some large churches are adding Professional Counselors to the staff but that is too little to late. Others refer to Christian Counselors and that too is too little too late. (I founded and chair the largest clinical counseling center in our area.)

We desperately need more prevention and training in personal growth. It has been over 30 years since I did an Ed. D. dissertation on the topic of "Equipping Christians to minister care and counsel to one another. Yet, few churches are doing anything to deal with emotional, relational or spiritual problems.

WHY?

Great International Relationships

The challenge of Believers in Russia and the other nations who lived for seventy years under the cruel rule of the Socialists is great. Thanks be to God, they are, with our support, making progress.

Our friends are working hard to develop great relationships with God and one another for many years. However, they need our help.

The Socialists did so much damage to the people, the nation and creation that it will take decades to repair. Read this report about the crisis.

Nikolai Malakhov, mayor of the southwestern town of Chapayevsk, formerly home to Soviet arms factories that produced toxic agents, wants to close the town permanently. he told visiting officials that closing the town and resettling its residents would be the "ideal solution". It is reported that "mortality rates caused by tuberculosis, cancer of the throat, liver and the kidneys are three times higher in Chapayevsk than in the rest of the region."

Pray intentionally for the Russian people. Take a look at their http://www.liferoute.ru/ web site.

Forgiveness and Healing

Is it possible for us to be healed of our mental, emotional and physical ailments and still hang on to bitterness and unforgiveness?



As a therapist I say "NO!"
As a Christian Minister I say, "NO, NO, NO!"

Muslim fanatics are models of what happens when there is no forgiveness and no mercy or grace.

Unforgiveness or bitterness means that I harbor a desire for revenge. I want the person who harmed me to suffer. That is natural and normal but Jesus died so we could live super-natural and above normal lives.

Forgiveness does not mean we must immediately feel differently about the harm done to us. Hurt feelings are different from harboring vengeful ideas and doing vengeful acts. Our emotional feelings can catch up with the spiritual act of forgiving. Forgiveness is an act of the will. It is a decision. Feelings follow decisions not the other way around.

Gary Sweeten
Sweeten Life Systems
A 501c3 non profit charity

The People of Great Faith

This morning as I read the Bible I was struck quite strongly by a passage that had escaped me before. This is on reason that the Bible in new every morning. The Holy Spirit is guaranteed to bring new things to our heart every time we read it.

faith. They truly believed in Jesus words or they would not have prepared for it so well.

Another verse says, "The devil believes in Jesus and trembles." These characters believed in Jesus and they trembled. Just like the devil, the enemies of God tried to thwart the plan of God by stopping Jesus from rising again.

Look at the preparation. They took a pair of Roman guards to stand watch and make sure none of the Disciples stole the body. Second, they set an official seal on the big stone so it could not be moved by human force.

The enemy always goes too far. He thinks that human powers will defeat the supernatural. In this instance, as in others, God's plan, God's power and God's purposes cannot be defeated by the flesh.

How many of us are still trying to "seal off" the Power and Plan of God? I have often been a bit embarrassed to admit that I believe in healing, supernatural invasions by God and the gifts of the Spirit. It was as if I wanted to humanly control God. Putting God in a cave with a rock and a seal will no more deter His plans than those Roman guards.

This Easter why not ask God to roll away the stone for you and take the seal off the cave so the Holy Spirit can give you His Resurrection Power? This Saturday we are having a day of Seeking God's Voice. I am excited to know that God will show up.

Gary Sweeten

Sweeten Life Systems

A lifetime of great relationships.