Healthy Churches

I have been interested in developing healthy churches for a very long time. I have seen some slight movement toward facilitating health in a few congregations but frankly I am not sure health is a very high priority for most Christian leaders.

Developing healthy churches is dependent upon facilitating healthy interpersonal relationships in the staff, elders, deacons and members. The kids in Sunday school will not likely become good communicators and good at caring for each other is the Sunday school teachers do not model those things. And, even if the teachers are excellent at interpersonal relationships, when the kids go home to chaos, conflict unbridled and miscommunication exponentially growing, how can the kids live healthy lives?

The church is a system of systems; a family of families. It is the sum total of all the family systems that are congregating. Here is my definition of the goals of church members:

A desire to learn how to work out all the problems and conflicts they have not been able to work out on their own at home. Husbands and wives bring to a marriage all the un worked issues carried over from childhood. Those issues are poured into the congregation with the high expectation that God, the Minister and the Elders will help the people get well, healthy or at least better.

This sets us up for grave disappointments. So, when we set the Ministers up on a high pedestal of expectation, they have a very long way to fall when they cannot deliver. But no human can deliver healing so it is unfair to set the Ministers up that way. Yes, but it happens every Sunday.

So, what shall we do? Teach the skills of healing, growth and change to every single member. Teach personal responsibility and how long it takes to bring change. Teach about mercy and grace for self and others. Teach every member how to listen and listen and listen. Teach every member how to take every thought captive. Teach them how to stop all that Stinking Thinking.

Every member needs to be trained to rest in Christ and stop all the performance nonsense.

It is not easy but we can make some steps toward healthier living. Why wait? Start now!

Grand Parenting

Karen and I are in Pittsburgh with Jack and Emma, our son's children while he and Shelley are in California. It is a lot of exhausting fun. I had forgotten how much work two kids are and how much joy they bring at the same time.

I awoke at 5:00 AM and Jack was already up. That means it is a long day. Getting him and Emma washed, dressed, fed and ready for the day was a challenge. Jack attends Covenant Presbyterian Pre-School so I had to find it and get him there in time. I met his teacher and saw the great program that Covenant has for kids and the way they preach the gospel in so many avenues.

Emma is MY girl. At age 14 months she loves her Papa. Her big smile anytime I am near melts my heart and we have a great time.

Children are messy. Very messy. They love to get their toys out and spread them liberally around the house. In five minutes the house is a wreck and they could care less.

But grand parents are not surprised or upset. It is just the way they are and we love it.

So, I am not writing about the Great Awakenings. I am just trying to stay awake.

Multiple Sperm Donors-No Daddy

Abstract:

The claim that multiple partner fertility may pose a risk of adverse outcomes for children has not been tested. We test this argument using a sample of 4,027 resident fathers and children from the Fragile Families and Child Well-being Survey by examining the pathways through which fathers' multipartnered fertility is associated with children's externalizing behaviors and physical health status at 36 months.

Path analyses indicate that multiple partner fertility exerted both a significant direct and indirect effect through paternal depression to influence children's externalizing behaviors. Fathers' multiple partner fertility also exerted a significant indirect effect through one mediator—father involvement—to influence children's physical health.

This evidence suggests that the disruptions brought about by multipartnered fertility are important for understanding child well-being.

Oh Ye With Great Faith

I am on the list of Disabled Christianity . It is all about the need for Christians to reach out to disabled persons in our communities. They recently published an article about a miracle of faith. I hope you will read it.

We received a grant from The Hatton Foundation to do "Ethnographic Research" with families with special needs children. Last Sunday we came together to share our insights about the heroic nature of the people who are opening themselves to our probing questions.

Without exception, these folks are outstanding and hard working people. The reason each one gave for taking the time to be involved with us at least ten hours each month was, "We want to help other people." (And believe me when I say, these parents do not have the time to give ten hours each month.) They want to GIVE!

Gary Sweeten's July Report to The Hatton Foundation

We interviewed each family as a precursor to enrolling them in the project. We also asked each couple to fill out an extensive report on their situation, support systems, stresses and needs. Each family is then interviewed by a team of two persons. Every session is audio or videotaped so we can intensely review the family’s sharing. Emerging insights early in our process:

1. A strong desire not to be victims but victors that rise to meet the daily challenges of disability. This admirable attitude can, however, limit the family’s ability to seek available support.

2. The lack of coordination among treatment professionals. Families are sometimes left to their own devices to find and access assistance that is due them.

3. The immense financial costs of rearing a disabled child and the need for sensitive, well trained professionals in law, insurance, financial planning, etc.

4. The ignorance, avoidance and sometimes anger of professionals about the insights, strengths, pressures or needs of the child’s family. The approach of many professionals comes across as accusatory, punitive and distrustful.

5. The amazing level of resilience that families must possess to deal effectively with the medical, educational, insurance and personal systems while facing the pressures of caring for a family. The families that are responding best to those pressures have a great deal of help from family members, friends and church fellowships.

6. The importance of spiritual resources to the families but their paucity in the community.

7. The uneven availability of educational, medical, spiritual and psychological resources in the Greater Cincinnati area. (And, we assume, other areas as well.)

8. The importance of educating professionals and spiritual leaders about the benefits of understanding what the parents can contribute to the child’s and the medical, educational systems’ welfare.

9. The need for each family to have coaches, mentors and wise support systems in place to walk with them and advise them each step of their journey.

10. This new approach to research which actually asks the clients what they need is desperately needed by medical, educational, financial and religious systems to get the whole picture.

Go to my web page for more information.

Family Heriage

Take a look at my daughter's blog Hooked on Houses to see some of our family's proud heritage. The photo shows a piano bought when my wife Karen was about eight. Her mother Hazel is now 93 and she told us they paid $500.00 for it in 1948. That was a lot of money 61 years ago.

Hazel was a great but untrained piano player whose hymn renditions rang throughout the house as we stood around her piano and sang everything from Amazing Grace to We Will Understand it Better By and By.

Take note of the song book placed on the piano. This was from Karen's childhood and was used by her teacher to train those little fingers to find the correct notes.

What memories come back to you from this post?

Dads are Important

Poverty and Christians

What social needs are churches supposed to meet? Are we supposed to eliminate Hunger, Homelessness, Abortion, Addiction, violence, Adoption, Pornography, Domestic abuse, Divorce,Ignorance,?

Which are we to focus on at church and in life? The answer is: YES.

But the core of these issues is a lack of salvation and mature Christians.

Here in Cincinnati, we are seeing an increase in deadly conflicts among young men and women. Almost daily we get images of families crowding around a crime scene weeping and wailing about the loss of a child or young person.

Many of the comments coming from the adults call on God and ask for His protection, yet the ones involved in the killings seem clueless to God's love and life. Another thing is missing: Males. Rarely do we see males in these photos. I would be willing to bet that over 90% of the youth involved in these killings came from homes where the father was absent most of all of their lives. I hope someone can prove me wrong.

Salvation is not enough. We must also have changed lives that bring dads back into the families they have fathered. Unfortunately, we have spawned a culture of polygamy without marriage and children without love. The rule is too often "hooking up" sexually and fathering a child with no personal responsibility to rear that child or model personal responsibility to him or her.

With abortion we also see a culture of death and despising children. The pro death politicians and feminist ideologues have brought such evil upon our nation that it is almost impossible to stop the carnage. We Christians must pray hard to reveal this deception and regain the culture of love, life and nurture we once enjoyed.

My dad had a favorite saying about this. "When we remove sex from marriage we will see the men become tom cats who kill their offspring and show no love to their partners." My dad was a prophet and it will get much worse in the years ahead.

We wrestle not against flesh and blood but against the principalities and powers and spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:10 ff

Our enemy is not Obama or even the NARAL groups that promote killing and death.

Teen Bullying and Suicide

It seems that the term bullying has taken on a new meaning in our current culture. Every once in a while some teenager in America tragically commits suicide because they were, according to news media, bullied.

I do not doubt that kids often hurt each other by calling each other names. That has been going on since Adam and Eve's kids were caught in a case of extreme sibling rivalry. However, only recently have parents and media begun to call for new laws prohibiting it, and only recently have the kids who are being taunted, teased and harassed actually killing themselves as a result.

Why? Well, I don't know exactly why but I have some ideas. It seems to me that we have failed and are failing to prepare children and youth to endure the "Slings and arrows of unrighteous fortune" in the guise of verbal harassment. There has been a dramatic increase in the percentage of young people with depression and anxiety over the past 100 years. Despite the fact that life is much easier today than it was a century ago, kids are too often failing to meet and overcome the challenges they face.

There seems to be less resilience in people now than 1n 1909. Resilience grows out of facing and overcoming difficulties in life. It begins with encountering and overcoming small challenges and grows as we learn how to face and overcome great challenges. I fear that we are trying to shield our young people from small indignities and small challenges so when a big problem like harassment occur they are emotionally overwhelmed.

Here is my opinion for parents and grand parents. Make sure your offspring are experiencing small doses of disappointment, anger, rejection and pain. I prefer to do this through playing board games and sports. The pain of losing to someone else will help those youngsters develop the resiliency they need to face a bully or an illness. That is the only way they will develop the emotional muscles necessary to defeat the big obstacles in life.

Gary Sweeten

Marriage Enrichment Retreat

Karen and I were with a group of ten couples Crestview Presbyterian Church in Mason-Westchester, Ohio from Friday through Sunday. We had a great time in the Hueston Woods Conference Center Lodge with a Winter Wonderland all around us.

One problem: I couldn't get my Internet to work. However, that was not too bad since I needed a break.

We had a great time. The people were warm, funny, open about their needs and seeking God's help for marriage and family. Pastor Alan Landes and wife Connie along with the Johnsons and Tyrones did a great job of planning.

If your church is not doing much for couples and families, visit Crestview and see what good things they are doing.

Gary Sweeten

www.sweetenlife.com

Sweeten Life Systems Update

Our board met yesterday and it was quite an experience. One member was in Norway one in Florida, one in Wisconsin and another is in Moscow, Russia. We were able to connect most of our members one way or another.

Rick Brown CPA is our treasurer and he was in Florida on business but called in to give his report. It is terrific to such talented and gifted board members.

Galina Chentsova attended for two hours via video phone from Moscow. She joined Jens-Petter Jorgensen as an International Representative. It was amazing to see and hear Galina so clearly from several thousand miles away. And, it is free. Before long we will add video conferencing to our schedule of training in Russia. (The photo is of our book, Listening for Heaven's Sake in Russian. It was originally called Apples of Gold)

My Skype name is gary.r.sweeten

What is your Skype name?

Great Things in 2009




The health of Sweeten Life Systems is good. God is blessing us and expanding our influence both in the open and behind the scenes. We received a grant to develop systems to support for families with special needs children.


In 2009 we will emphasize the Families of God.
1. The historic Family of Grand Parents and past
2. The Family of Origin of Parents and Siblings
3. The Nuclear Family of Parents and Children
4. The Extended Family of Relatives
5. The Church Family of Families
6. The Work Family
7. The Neighborhood Family of Friends


You will note the word "SYSTEMS" in our name. That is . We know that any event traumatic or great, that impacts one member of a family impacts every member. We are unique in intervening in families to upbuild the entire system. Thus, we have a biblical approach.


Important Family Event

Come to The Healing Center on Century Circle, near The Vineyard Community Church, on Saturday afternoon, January 24 at 1:00 to 4:00 PM to get an introduction to Family Systems thinking and how to support families in need. "It Takes Village".

More information later.

Gary Sweeten
http://www.sweetenlife.com/

Joy at Christmas

Take a look at the way this four month baby is laughing. I am amazed at the way she watched her big brother Jack Sweeten and laughed at his shenanigans. The parents and extended family are watching.

You Are Welcome

I will be speaking at morning services at Tri County Assembly of God in Fairfield, Ohio north of Cincinnati on the next two Sundays. I would love for you to be praying for me and the service as I speak about, "I'll Be Home for Christmas".

Senior Pastor Brad Rosenberg will be glad to meet my friends so if you are in the area, come out and say "Hello".

Gary Sweeten

http://www.sweetenlife.com/

Can I Go Home for the Holidays?

Opening a Can of Worms!
My international readers may not know it but millions of Americans live far, far away from the town where they grew up. Many of them "go back home" to see relatives and friends during Thanksgiving, the third weekend in November, and Christmas, the last week of December.



The return home can provoke a lot of anxiety because we have moved away from the customs and values of our family of origin and find it difficult to remember how to act properly in that old environment. It is also hard on the "old folks back home" because they tend to think of us as we were as kids and that was a long time and many changes ago.



I was a rebel as a kid and my family tended to see me through that prism even though I left most of my rebellion behind a long time ago. I can remember how hard it was when Karen and I first began to return home from Cincinnati. I had gotten a couple of college degrees, fathered a child and became Associate Dean at U.C. Yet, I was tempted to regress in my behavior away from a mature adult to the teenage rebel of so many years ago.



I found myself being irritated by the same things that had bugged me as a teen and Mother was so unreasonable and parental. It seemed to me that I was all grown up but Mother treated me like a child. It was all her fault! (Thankfully, Karen was able to point out that I was acting like a teenager not like an adult. Boy, did that sting!)



As you prepare to go back home or to see your family that is returning to the homestead, ask yourself some questions:

1. Do I treat my family members as well as I want to be treated?

2. Do I treat my family like I treat other adults?

3. Do I have some of the same feelings I had as a kid when I interact with my parents and siblings?

4. Do I judge my family more harshly than I judge others?

5. Do I have peace when I think about my family?

6. Are there things I would like to straighten out in them?

7. Is God happy with the way I honor my family?



How are you preparing to go home again? Prayer might help.



Gary Sweeten

http://www.sweetenlife.com/

A Great Story on Thanksgiving

The L.A. Times has a terrific story about the First Thanksgiving in America. I highly recommend that you read it before your family celebration this year.

More on the Sweeten Clan

Here is Jack Donovan Sweeten holding Emma Taylor Sweeten. You will no doubt note that each has a middle name that is normally used as a family moniker.

Donovan is Shelley's Mother's maiden name. Yep, they are Irish and very proud of it.

Emma's middle name, Taylor, was my mother's maiden name. And, yes, that can be either Scot or Scots Irish.

I am very blessed that Tim and Shelley are memorializing their ancestors by giving such rich names to their children.

Family Relationships

Our continual focus at Sweeten Life Systems is "A lifetime of great relationships". There is no place that emphasis is more important than in the family. Since our son Timothy and his wife Shelley have just blessed us with a new daughter, Emma Taylor Sweeten, it is appropriate to claim the "Commandment with a promise" that St. Paul mentions in Ephesians 6:
The context to which he speaks is about child rearing and discipline but he throws a bit of a curve here by saying, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for that is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise." Paul continues and makes sure his readers that are no from a Jewish background will get it by saying, "That it may go well with you and that you may live a long time on the earth."

In this manner he reminds us that discipline and child rearing are not just in one direction from the parents to the child but also extend backward to and through the parents to grand parents, great grand parents and so forth. As a student of family life and child rearing I can not agree more and my agreement comes not just from faith in God and the Bible but also from research and thirty years of teaching, ministry and family counseling.


A few weeks ago I was able to speak at The Horizon Community Church on the topic of "Hidden Family Rules". You can go online and download that talk by clicking the Horizon name. You will find the presentation quite interesting because of the skills of the Horizon planning team. We are using the GodFather Trilogy to show how dysfunctional and even toxic family patterns as well as healthy and godly patterns can be passed from generation to generation.


It is a joy to see Tim and Shelley as they bless their parents by inviting Karen and me to enter in to their generational blessing. Next week Shelley's Mom will be here to further strengthen the multi-generational bond.



Ps I am still honoring my own ancestors and asking God to use that to bless the future generations of Sweetens born and unborn.

Any comments?

The Patriarch

Papa Gary with Shelley and Emma.

What a joy to bless the future of our family

New Grand Baby

Papa Sweeten

Emma is sleeping peacefully as Papa Sweeten holds her with love. These new grand kids keep us young.

Karen and I are in Pittsburgh visiting Tim and Shelley Sweeten with son Jack and brand new baby girl Emma Taylor Sweeten. I am posting a few photos of Emma and her mom and dad so all of the family can see them. My email is not working so here they are.

Party Faces

Son Timothy & daughter Julia on right & daughter in law Shelley Sweeten with Julia Sweeten Knispel below.

My son in law Dave Knispel with Lily-the love of my life.

Traditional Fathers Love Their Kids

Since the Pope is in town and many of the leftist news readers are all aflutter about how "rigid and conservative" he is I thought we might want to examine the myths surrounding Christian families. It is especially important for us to communicate the facts because so many half truths are on the media.

Fathers of faith give more time to their children

By Larry Witham

THE WASHINGTON TIMES
A new study shows that fathers of the evangelical and Catholic faiths may be better parents than secular dads, if judged by the time they spend with their children in activities or at the dinner table.

The author of the study, reported in the Journal of Marriage and Family, said the findings contradict a stereotype that conservative Protestant fathers leave child rearing to stay-at-home wives. "Evangelical Protestant fathers, including Southern Baptists, are very involved with their children, which I found surprising, given their tendency to embrace traditional gender attitudes," said W. Bradford Wilcox, a sociologist at the University of Virginia.

Findings were based on time spent on five kinds of one-on-one activities, such as reading or playing a game.

1. Evangelical fathers on average spent more hours per week with their children than other dads. They reported being at an average of 27 more family dinners a year than those with no religious affiliation.

2. Catholic fathers, who excelled in devotion to group activities with their children, on average spent about two hours more a week with their children than fathers of no religion.

Both exceeded the time spent by fathers in mainline Protestant churches or with no religious affiliation.

The study looked at data on fathers and children ages 5 to 18 in the National Survey of Families and Households. The way churches organize may explain why some churchgoing fathers are more active with children, Mr. Wilcox said.

"Evangelical Protestant and Catholic churches may sponsor more youth-related activities than other churches, providing a broader range of activities for fathers and children to share," he said.

Mainline Protestant churches, according to other studies, have an aging population and thus fewer youth groups. The report is one more suggestion that studying religious attitudes will help policy-makers understand family trends, which have been analyzed mostly by economics, jobs, race and sex.

"Religious culture or subculture matters," said Sally Gallagher, an Oregon State University sociologist who reviewed the report. Religious belief can "make a difference in men's involvement as parents," she said.

General Social Survey findings from 1994 to 2000 tend to confirm the Wilcox report, said Tom Smith of the National Opinion Research Center (NORC), which conducts the massive annual survey. "Overall, evangelical Protestant fathers are the most child-oriented while fathers with no religious affiliation are the least focused on children," Mr. Smith said.

While 30 percent of evangelical fathers agree that people without children "lead empty lives," that is the belief of 22 percent of Catholic fathers, 18 percent of mainline Protestant fathers and 10 percent of fathers with no religion.

At the same time, evangelical fathers are less likely to believe they "are very successful in balancing work and family." Just 29 percent think they strike that balance. That compares with 30 percent of Catholics, 36 percent of nonreligious fathers and 42 percent of mainline Protestant churchgoers.

Accordingly, more than half of evangelical (56 percent) and Catholic (52 percent) fathers "want to spend much more time with their families," the NORC survey said. In the Wilcox study, the evangelical category included Southern Baptist, Assembly of God, Pentecostal, Missionary Alliance, Christian Reformed and other conservative churches. Mainline Protestant fathers were those who identified themselves as Episcopalian, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Methodist or Congregational.

The survey did not assess the educational backgrounds, incomes, professions or work schedules of the fathers.