Why Do Christians Try to Rescue Others?

I am getting a lot of great comments on Face Book about the last post on the need to equip the church congregations to minister hope, healing and change to people in pain. One lady said that church members need to be taught how to be a Paraclete and "Come alongside people in pain". She indicated that far too many folks try to change the person in pain not support them.

I could not agree more. I know so well from my own addiction to trying to rescue people in pain. I was so committed to being a "HERO" that I constantly looked for Victims to rescue. Why? I needed them to need me!

Did you hear about the man who pushed people into the lake by his house because he loved to rescue them? Or about the Boy Scout who lost his merit badge because he insisted on leading old ladies across the street even if they did not want to go?

As Pogo the Possum said, "I have met the enemy and it is me!"

I am better now. But I am still tempted to rescue people. I feel "ashamed" if I say "NO" to requests to be a hero. Please pray for me. And, download and read my book Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty from the Sweeten Life web page.It is my confession of an awful addiction that many Christian Ministers have and Christian Counselors have in spades.

Why Do People Get AIDS?

An article in the CBS News Online tells us why so many people come down with AIDS. In an amazing story it relates that over 40,000 "women of the night" are headed for South Africa to sell themselves for money to the visiting soccer fans coming for the World Cup.

I cannot imagine going to a prostitute in any country but a man would have to be either insane of drunk to take such a chance in a place ravaged by AIDS. But this is what CBS says is happening. I always knew soccer fans were a bit off but this proves how out of control they are.

Henry Africa, 49, drives a taxi in Cape Town and, aside from the usual airport pickups and winery tours, he also operates the "Bright Red Tour," which he expects to be a hit among soccer fans. For the equivalent of 500 dollars, he'll shuttle customers from strip bar to strip bar all night and even bring them over to a safe-sex practicing prostitute, a relevant selling point in a country where one in five adults are estimated to be HIV positive.

The terms "Safe Sex" and South Africa just do not go together.

How to be a Fruit Inspector at Church

I think it is ironic to see so many men's groups focus on "Accountability". Have you noticed that there are no women's groups that talk about ACCOUNTABILITY? Why?

There is something in the male DNA that longs to come across as macho. "I don't need your stinking kindness, kick me and knock me down a few times and I will get better." The joke in Singapore was, "The caning will continue until morale increases."

The Bible tells us to "Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another so you will be healed" James 5: 16. So, we need "Confession Groups" and "Prayer Groups" and "Healing Groups" but do we need "Accountability Groups"? That smacks of criticism and parenting rather than receiving a confession and praying for God's forgiveness and healing.

I have been working with Clergy for many years. I have often asked them about confession to a wife, colleague or friend and I hear the same thing. "Confession? How do you do that? I confess to God but not to men. That is not necessary."

Then why did the Holy Spirit place that statement in the Bible?

The Holy Spirit inspects our fruit to see what needs to be changed. I am not the one who convicts others of sin and guilt. I am not the Holy Spirit. Just as a doctor does not "deliver a baby" but simply "catches her" as she is thrust from the womb, we can receive the confession and take the guilt to God for cleansing.

I don't believe that the term Accountability" is a great word to describe what God has in mind.

Addictions from Sweeten Life

We live in a funny society. The Feds and various states pull out all the stops to prevent smoking and try to open gambling halls with alcoholic drinks to promote smoking, drinking and gambling addictions. We seem to have a whole host of Congressional Reps and Govt Bureaucrats who love to control the lives of us citizens under the pretext of saving us from ourselves.

I understand the motivation to save people. I was driven by a grand desire to save people for many years. I learned early in life that all I had to do to get a lot of affirmation from my family and the local preachers was to try to Rescue people. In fact, we were taught in church and Sunday school how to be a Black Belt Rescuer.

We were supposed to save the lost and hungry. Have you ever tried to save somebody against their will? How did it work?

In Singapore the penalty for selling a small amount of drugs is death. Every flight into Singapore there is an announcement right after the warning about seat belts that selling drugs will mean death. Still, a lot of people do dope and sell dope.

Human motivation to get high and medicate pain are extremely high. Highly motivated people are extremely creative in getting their drugs of choice. There is a lot of drug use in jails and prisons. If we can't stop dope by building a prison and putting up bars, how will passing a law that bans drugs work?

I think almost every church would be healthier if it had a series of 12 step programs. I would start with Al-Anon Groups designed for family members of addicts. Those groups are also helpful to ministers, elders, parents and government officials who are driven to make people stop doing what they want to do.

What we need are more 12 steppers running government agencies. After being in the 12 step community for some years the members begin to discover much more about helping people stay healthy.

Addictions and Interventions

There is raging a huge controversy raging among addiction counselors over the ways we try to help people who drink and do drugs too much. Two things have happened recently to inspire the controversy.

First, the A&E TV Program called Intervention has popularized the Johnson Approach that is based on the notion that family and friends must confront the addict about his problems and threaten him with total withdrawal of support unless he/she goes into treatment immediately. This is admittedly a hard nosed approach to getting a person to get help, but proponents insist it works.

Others say we need a better approach so the addict will not fall into despair. The use what is called a motivational process that speaks to people about their need to at least consider making some changes in their drinking or drugging. These folks are able to point to reams of research that their methods are superior to harsh confrontation.

The second event was Michael Jackson's death. It was well known that Mr. Jackson was overusing prescription drugs for many years. Family and friends had been begging someone to intervene in some way but their concerns fell on deaf ears. The enablers around Jackson were either co-dependent or living on easy street as a result of his habits.

Either type of intervention is better than no intervention. The harsh kind can certainly shock an addict into compliance but it takes a very skilled professional to carry it out. The Motivational Interviewing approach is my preference and I have written about it in my book, Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty.

If someone you love drinks too much or is doing drugs, including marijuana, get help for yourself. see a good counselor who understands family dynamics as well as addictions. Go to

Life Way Centers

to find a great counselor.

Empathy versus Enabling

Drug and alcohol addictions are rampant and seemingly growing in America and the rest of the world. One bad way to try to help an addict is to feel sorry for them and bail them out when they get into trouble.

Several years ago during the time I was still doing Clinical Counseling I was called by a Pastor who asked me to contact a family whose thirty year old son was a chronic addict. The parents had spent all their money and even mortgaged their family home to chronically bail the kid out of trouble.

My discussion with her unfolded why the parents were broke and the son was still addicted.

Mother: Dr. Sweeten, what can I do? My son is in jail and they are insisting that he go to a treatment center.
Gary: How many times has this happened?
Mother: Many times.
Gary: What have you done before?
Mother: We have paid his fine and got him an apartment.
Gary: Did it work to help him change his behavior?
Mother: Well, his life has been difficult. His ex wife left him and took the kids. So, he started doing drugs again.
Gary: So, it did not work to stop him from drinking and doping again.
Mother: The poor boy hasn't had a chance.
Gary: So, you feel sorry for him?
Mother: I feel so badly when he is in trouble.
Gary: Mrs. Johnson, you had better stop feeling so sorry for you son unless you kill him. What you are doing is called "Enabling or Co-Dependence". In order for a person to be an addict there must be an enabler.
Mother: (Crying) But I can't be so cruel and let him stay in jail with all those criminals. I love him too much.
Gary: What you are doing the Bible calls hate not love. It will eventually kill him unless you stop. You and your husband need to attend Al Anon, a group for families with an addicted relative. Al Anon teaches relatives how to understand their loved ones but stop enabling them. Mrs. Johnson, you need treatment more than your son. Call me after you go to Al Anon.

Gary Sweeten

Stressed or Trusting

Check out my last sermon at Horizon Community Church called, From Worry to Trust. You can also download my Power Point slides at the same link.

In that talk I mention how we can drive ourselves into misery by the ways we think. So, if you like misery, you gotta listen to it.

Gary Sweeten

Tomorrow, Tuesday January 13 2009, Sweeten Life Systems and HOPE for Cincinnati are sponsoring talks by two persons who have come out of long term same sex relationships. Some of my friends have said that it is brave of me to sponsor such a program because it is "controversial". What could be so controversial about giving hope for a changed life to persons who want to be heterosexual rather than homosexual in desire and inclination as well as behavior?

It is only controversial because many professional therapists have lost their nerve and caved in to the PC Police. The Politically Correct Police are unhappy with those who say that sexual orientation is malleable. But would a group of counselors say that depression or anxiety can be substantially healed? No!

A recent research study by two psychologists has confirmed that which many of us know by personal experience. People stuck in same sex attractions can be helped to change those attractions if they are highly motivated.

The research concludes "it is possible for homosexuals to change their physical attractions and become heterosexual through the help of Christian ministries." This is published in the new book, "Ex-Gays?" (Inter Varsity Press) by psychologists Stanton L. Jones and Mark A. Yarhouse.

They found, "Thirty-eight percent of the subjects followed in the study said they had successfully left homosexuality, while an additional 29 percent said they had had only modest successes but were committed to keep trying. In another significant finding, Jones and Yarhouse said attempts at conversion do not appear to be psychologically harmful."

"These findings contradict directly the commonly expressed views of the mental health establishment that change in sexual orientation is impossible, and that if you attempt to change it's highly likely to produce harm for those who make such an attempt," Jones, professor of psychology at Wheaton College in Illinois, said at the news conference.

The subjects were placed in six categories from success to failure:

15 percent reported their conversion was successful and that they had had "substantial reduction" in homosexual attraction and "substantial conversion" to heterosexual attraction. They were categorized as "success: conversion."

23 percent said their conversion was successful and that homosexual attraction was either missing or "present only incidentally or in a way that does not seem to bring about distress." They were labeled "success: chastity."

29 percent had experienced "modest decreases" in homosexual attraction and were not satisfied with their change, but pledged to continue trying. This category was labeled "continuing."

15 percent had not changed and were conflicted about what to do next.

4 percent had not changed and had quit the change process, but had not embraced the "gay identity."

8 percent had not changed, quit the process and embraced the "gay identity.

These data are remarkably high for success when compared with the outcomes for others with serious issues of long term compulsive behavior. I am surprised that only eight percent of the people in the study reverted back to "Homosexual Identity". The change process is long and slow for any deeply ingrained habit pattern and relapse id a part of almost every recovery attempt. Thus, I would have suspected a much higher rate of relapse in this study. I assume this means that the counselors were doing an extraordinarily good job of supporting their Clients.

This is very good news for all of us. Changing sexual orientation is considered to be very difficult so if the success rates are this high for this very tough emotional issue we can be confident that other issues will also yield to Christian care and counsel.

Secondly, it is my assumption that the Christians who were offering the counseling were lay persons, offering increasingly important evidence that Peer and Para-Professionals can deliver high quality ministry in the local church.

Change in a lifestyle always requires time. Change is rarely if ever immediate. So, when a Seeker continues to be tempted to fall back into an old behavior we are not surprised. We must always plan ways to prevent a relapse.

See our Humpty Dumpty book for ideas.

Gary Sweeten

www.sweetenlife.com

Growing Believers

Here I am again, sitting in an internet cafe named Asia that is just a ten minute walk from my flat. It has fairly inexpensive food and charges two US dollars for an hour of internet time.

The TV in my rented room has no cable and the only way I can get news from back home is to get a rare English paper or go online. The stock market here is tanking badly and the Russians are blaming the US for being too greedy. Oh well, another reason for people overseas to blame the US for everything.

Watching the stock market at home go down provides me with a wonderful opportunity to learn to trust God for the future, again and again. I left Cincinnati the day after Dow Jones dropped by a huge amount and had to learn to pray for God's peace because I had to face the fact that I am powerless.

Here in Russia Galina and her team of hard working volunteers (See Photos) have been training a lot of churches and volunteer groups to lead 12 step groups. This is essential in Eastern Europe where smoking, drinking and drugs are rampant. Step One is to recognize our Powerlessness and the current market reminds us of that fact. I did not control its rise and I can not control its drop.

I have been visiting Russia since 1991 and I am amazed at the many ways the team here is growing in its ability to help ordinary people. From the Ural Mountains to Ukraine to Moscow they have set up 12 Step Groups, Apples Training, Renewing the Mind Clases and Family Systems Healing Seminars. I can see enormous differences in the lives of so many wonderful people.

The materials and processes we developed way back in the Seventies and adopted from AA are working here just as well or better than in the States. Thanks for your prayers and financial support. But life is tougher here than at home. Several families live together in tiny two and three ROOM flats. Mom, Dad, Daughter and Son in Law with three little kids all together in three rooms! Can you imagine?

Now that is learning to get along with your in laws!

Pray for us. God's grace and power are needed. Today.

Gary Sweeten

www.sweetenlife.com

www.liferoute.ru

Vote for Gambling

Here is another response to the Advertisements for Vegas.

Here in Cincinnati there is a huge promotion to pass a bill to allow casino gambling. We have gambling boats and casinos just a few miles from us in Indiana but that is not enough. Here is my response to Vegas.

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" (Except the greedy casino owners who want to bankrupt more people in Ohio.)

In this case we might say, "What happens in Indiana"

What do you think?

Paula Clare wrote a great response.

Why People are Confused about Counseling

Dr. Phil pushed his way into the hospital room of Brittany Spears without her permission or hospital privileges. Not only that, he spoke with her and then told the media about it. everything about such behavior is unethical if not illegal.

No wonder so many people are anxious about seeing a real therapist. They rightfully fear that a real therapist will act as unethically and selfishly as Dr. Phil or other high profile "Psychologists".

Here is part of the story from http://www.tmz.com/

"Britney didn't ask for it, Britney didn't know about it" and Spears walked out when Dr. Phil walked in, said TMZ.com managing editor Harvey Levin.

Sources also told FOXNews.com that Spears angrily kicked McGraw out of her room and demanded he leave at once.

Dr. Phil said he eventually did meet with Spears for about an hour. He told "Entertainment Tonight" and "The Insider" in a press release that she's in "dire need" of medical and psychological help despite being let out of the hospital.

"My meeting with Britney and some family members this morning in her room at Cedars leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention," McGraw told the programs.
"She was released moments before my arrival and was packing when I entered the room," he said. "We visited for about an hour before I walked with her to her car. I am very concerned for her."

The fake concern of Dr. Phil is so blatantly manufactured that it is impossible to miss. Dr. Phil makes 30 to 50 million dollars every year by invading their privacy and acting like a real counselor on TV. His antics give all real counselors a bad name and set up false expectations for those who do seek counseling.

Real counseling is nothing like what Dr. Phil delivers on TV. He is much closer to an Oprah or a Judge Judy than a legitimate therapist. So, if you are facing problems in your life such as anxiety or depression, find a good counselor. You need not worry that he will be as mean and unscrupulous as Phil.

Gary's Socialism

Growing up in a home that honored over functioning, I slipped into that role with glee after my younger brother was born. I was just seven years old at the time. Mother was mercifully drawn back into her proper role as wife and mother to us boys. But that left a vacuum in the care taking of Grand Dad Taylor.

Mom Taylor had made up her mind not to stay at home with her "sick" husband. She preferred to work six days a week at their little store and go to church almost every night. Their daughter, my mother, was stuck at home with the new baby and my brother and I were left to tend for ourselves.

(Over functioners always fail some place. Despite the grandiose notion that they can be Omnipresent, they , so someone is left out. Workaholics neglect their wives and kids and religious fanatics neglect God and family.)

In a combination of God's sovereignty and human dysfunction I, at the tender age of seven, chose/was chosen, to fill the role as a care giver to my Grand Dad. Every day for seven years I was nurse, massage therapist, counselor, chaplain, radio operator and sports announcer for a man fifty years older than I.

I received enormous emotional and spiritual rewards for my service. Rewards that left me more confused about what it meant to be "a good Christian boy". Those seven years marked me for life. My role as a heroic care giver has impacted almost everything I have done since. I turned into a hard working, intentionally but confused heroic over functioner who tried to help people whether it was wise to do so or not.

This is why I dislike socialism so much. Socialism is governmental over functioning that almost always ends up keeping its clients under functioning. The Golden Rule of Jesus says, "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you."

The socialist says: "Do unto others what they should do for themselves."

Only one of these Rules is healthy.

Developing Economic Resources in Russia

Christians Recovering from Alcohol and Drugs


The only way to build Russia as a strong and healthy nation is to develop the spiritual and emotional resources that have been damaged or hidden for so long. After Glasnost, western countries, including the USA, attempted to get the former USSR on track to economic and democratic security by pouring in money, business techniques and knowledge of how a democracy works. It failed.

You can put the failures down to our naive and foolish optimism or to stupidity. Either way it did not work The things that are working, if left to grow, are the non-material and spiritual contributions of churches, para-church groups and Non Governmental Organizations from around the world.

The World is a Village

I have been overseas almost too many time to remember and I am amazed at the ways Americans still try to insulate themselves from the world. The USA has the largest and most healthy economy in the history of the planet. Our people are the richest and most blessed people ever to populate the world and we dominate every dimension of economics, education and creativity in the world.

Despite these facts I hear people continually bad mouth America and the opportunities it offers for us to succeed. We are at the beginning of the silly season called "the election cycle" in American politics so I know that crazy ideas intended to scare us are mouthed hypocritical and callous candidates every day. I am not shocked that many Americans are confused about the realities of our nation. However, even in the midst of all the political exaggerations, lies, rumors and nutty ideas one would expect the public to know a few basic truths about how things work.

I partly blame what we call "news reporters". I am not upset or surprised that many reporters have long ago thrown away any pretence of objectivity when discussing issues. Let's face it, what is called "the new school of journalism" has decided to place editorial comments into the middle of every "news report".

I do not mind that for I can smell the partisanship coming through and reject it. However, what I do detest is the ignorance of the media figure heads. Is there no reporter that understands Economics 101? Is there no media person that understands how capitalism and the free market operate? Have every single media talking head in the United States of America forgotten what harm Socialism did to Russia, Europe and the Eastern Bloc to say nothing of Cuba?

The review of Michael Moore's film, Sicko has a lot to commend it for the health care system in the USA is wobbly. The insurance system is set up to punish doctors and other health care workers as well as patients and to grossly reward the heads of insurance companies. Humana recently cut reimbursements over 20% while paying its President $15 Million Dollars. Al Capone could have learned from these guys.

But Sicko implies that health care in England and Europe is "free". No good or service anywhere on the planet is free . Now here is a place where any reporter that stayed awake in Econ 101 could do a great service to the readers or viewers. They could say, "How do you reckon that a service that costs patients a major part of their total income in taxes is free?" But the reporters lap up Moore's Cool Aid as if basic Economic principles had been made obsolete.

As a Christian citizen I try to stay alert to current events and educate myself about the principles that govern our universe. Economics has such principles and I do my best to understand those that are basic to life.

Scripture says that "God will not give us a big job until we prove we can handle a small job. Many of the current politicians obviously have never really done anything practical in their lives except go to school and play politics so how can they govern the nation?

Addictions and So Forth

My major concern about many addiction prevention programs is that they do not work very well. Most of them put a lot of emphasis on what are considered to be "Addictive Substances." Some things are thought to be so toxic and strong that the brain immediately begins to lust for them after one try.

This means that a lot of time and energy is spent on identifying different kinds of drugs and spelling out why they are so dangerous. As a corollary, a good deal of emphasis is placed on the fact that addictive substances can "Grab a person and not turn loose."

This is consistent with the philosophy used by some, including many law enforcement officials and churches. I have heard people say that pornography is so powerful and addicting that a one time use is dangerous and many who simply "experiment" may well become hooked.

In my view, this is not the best way to do prevention. Number one, most drug and alcohol users know that this is simply not true. We know that addictions do not immediately come upon a person with one experiment. Users tend to see these as attempts to scare them from trying drugs.

When we try to scare people with these stories we lose credibility. They then assume we are either ignorant of lying. Back in the Seventies it was popular on college campuses to show an old film that indicated using marijuana would make people stark raving mad. The students loved to watch it and smoke some dope at the same time while laughing uproariously at how ridiculous such claims were.

As a therapist I want people to avoid abusing drugs, all drugs. In fact, I want people to stop every type of compulsive and dependent behavior. It is the behavior, not primarily the substances, that is harmful. It is the bad habits that kill.

Look at this formula for an addiction.

AB = C + D Addictive Behavior = Compulsions + Dependencies

Compulsions arise from within to medicate pain or discomfort
Dependencies arise from within to provide an artificial high

We can have a person that is Compulsive with drugs and is not Addicted
We can have a person that is Dependent upon drugs and is not Addicted

An Addicted person is both Compulsive and Dependent

Bad habits, compulsions and dependencies predominantly arise from within the heart and soul not from outside the person. I could not be an alcohol dependent because I do not like the way drinking alcohol makes me feel. I get sick instead of high so it is not a source of dependency for me. (Dependencies come from getting high.)

I could not become a Compulsive drinker because I do not get relief from my inner pain with drinking. (Compulsiveness is designed to medicate inner pain like boredom, depression, anxiety, fear, anger, etc.)

I could become addicted to sex or ice cream. Both give me both pleasure and make me forget inner discomfort. However, knowing this, I am careful to take care of myself.

My primary temptation is and always has been-----WORK. Work is not a substance yet it is the source of many problems. People with healthy inner lives are not at risk so stay healthy.