Is Divorce Necessary?

Over the last thirty years or so I have been involved in preparing couples for marriage, teaching couples how to strengthen their marriages, counseling couples who are unhappy in their marriage or doing my best to get couples reconciled. I know from experience and research on the topic that keeping couples, and therefore parents, together has many positive payoffs for all concerned. They are

1. Physically healthier
2. Produce healthier kids physically, mentally, emotionally and relationally
3. Economically healthier

But I have sometimes failed in my efforts. The couples I mentored, married, counseled and trained were unable or unwilling to do the hard work necessary to save their marriage. In the vast majority of cases people who seek help from Pastors, Counselors and Relationship Experts learn how to successfully hurdle the challenges of intimacy and have a long term caring relationship.

There are several scenarios that make a long term relationship difficult and Pre-marital preparation, counseling and retreats less effective. It is very possible to survive any of these problems but a couple needs to get help asap.

1. An inability to resolve differences without Criticism and Contempt. Personal emotional attacks may look like fun on TV shows like Jerry Springer but they are deadly in real life.

2. Physical abuse. Growing out of Criticism and Contempt anger that gets physical is often a deal breaker for couples. It is also illegal, immoral sinful and destructive to the children as well as the adults.

3. Adultery. Sex is easy, open and common now and to even use the A word may seem old fashioned. As one guy said to a student group in the Seventies at U.C., "Sex is as natural as breathing so why do we place such restrictions on sex?" Here we are thirty years later acting as though we are just breathing some fresh air with no consequences but it is still devastating to the people and the relationship.

4. Sexual Disorders and/or Mental and Personality Disorders that keep one partner unable to act responsibly. One man I know was not only had a severe same sex addiction, he was Narcissistic and had no ability to empathize with his wife, children or family. He was deeply hurt when his lover died of AIDS and his wife did not show enough "Understanding about his grief".

5. Addiction to drugs and alcohol are also deeply disturbing and may make a marriage so dysfunctional that it is impossible to maintain.

Church attendance is one of the best ways to prevent divorce and insure healthy relationships as well as promote healthy kids. It is often said that the Christian divorce rate is as high as the non-Christian. I disagree with that statistic. The real issue is Christians who attend church. The high attenders have a significantly lower divorce rate.

One way to lower the divorce rate is to actively train children youth and adults how to prevent these toxic threats to marriage and family life. Teach Communication skills, anger management, conflict management, how to keep love alive and ways to heal addictions.

Big houses do not make loving, healthy families nor do big church houses make healthy churches. the trend today is for young families to build huge houses and take on financial loads that increase stress and may cause family fights. Functional family life is not related to the size of the building but to the size of the soul.

The church is doing the same by building huge cathedrals that are devoid of a heart and soul. We need to have human healing centers not more inhuman buildings with no well planned ways to train people how to relate healthily. People carry dysfunction or dysfunction inside themselves regardless of their surroundings.

Let me say loudly and clearly that we do not need more bricks and mortar to put in more "Agencies" to help poor people, poorly performing marriages or poorly reared children. I have helped plan and build churches that needed to expand and I will continue to do so. However, we must always plan with the end in mind and the end is always to build better relationships with God, self and others. Give me an old warehouse filled with God's love rather than a beautiful church house with a mob of unskilled leaders and followers.