Sunday, July 27, 2008

Apples of Gold


The first book I wrote on the topic of interpersonal relationships was called Apples of Gold, the title coming from Proverbs 25:11

Like apples of gold in a silver setting
Is a word nicely said in the right circumstances

Hardly a week passes that I don't speak with someone that mentions the importance of taking the "Apples of Gold" classes. This is despite the fact that we changed the name from Apples of Gold to Listening for Heaven's Sake many years ago. Yet, in the experience and memory of people the class and book were always Apples of Gold.

That title really says it. When we examine its origins the focus is not just on listening but the importance of speaking and relating that are appropriate to the circumstance. Know what to say and when to say it are really critical to building effective relationships.

I was struck this week by how few people know how to carry on a conversation. Few of us ever have a true dialogue because our need to focus on ourselves keeps most conversations at the level of a duo-logue; two people both talking about their own ideas and interests.

A dialogue, on the other hand, takes a subject and bores down into it in order to exegete or examine the topic from a joint perspective. This requires a great deal of loving self control. Love that places the other person's need to be heard and understood is a must in a dialogue. Let's face it; most of the time I am not as interested in what others have to say as I am in what I have to say. There is a constant temptation to listen to myself whether I am adding anything to the conversation or not.

Loving self control means that I can control my own tongue in order to allow you to speak to share your insights, ideas and concerns. The fruit of the Spirit always starts with agape love and is shown in joy, peace, gentleness, kindness, patience and self control. A good dialogue requires these fruit to really blossom and bloom.

If all I do is talk about myself and share my insights, even as superior as they are, we shall never move deeply into the heart of any matter. This may be why that book from our early ministry was so appropriately named Apples of Gold. It is not enough to Listen, for Heaven's Sake. It is also necessary to speak in ways that the focus can stay on my partner in the dialogue.

Yes, the Listening book is better and actually teaches the same things we wrote about in Apples. However, the title is not as good.

You can order Listening for Heaven's Sake from Equipping Ministries

2 comments:

Paula Clare said...

Hi Gary,
I "cut my teeth on" "Listening for Heaven's Sake"...and as a counselor/therapist, I can tell you that the take home message of the book was lifechanging for me. It's true there is "awesome power" in the listening ear. Saint Francis may have said it best, "May I not seek so much to be understood, but to understand." Being a listener and NOT a talker immediately throws you into the minority. People take notice when you're a great listener. And they want to be around you. So many people NEED to be heard...really HEARD. Our society, whether intentional or not, renders many voiceless and mute. It is truly an amazing feeling to feel as tho, "I've been heard. She "gets me."

Thank you for your heart to equip those of us in helping ministries...your contribution has made the world a "quieter" place!

Gary Sweeten said...

Paula, I agree. Ihad finished a Master's and all my course work for a Doctorate in Counseling before I learned the skills undergirding Listening/Apples. I am indebted to Dr. Richard Walters for teaching me.

Thousands of Believers around the world have benefitted from learning to listen, understand and care. God has given us a real gift and Francis saw it centuries ago.