Why Church Conflict? Readers Respond

Cheri Russell Eresman wrote on my Face Book.

Gary, when I was young we attended a Baptist church that went through some kind of big split. I was young enough at the time that I have no idea what caused the split. What I do remember is men fist fighting in the middle of a Sunday morning service! My sister was so traumatized that it totally turned her off church for a long time.

I have heard of similarly outrageous stories all my life but I never saw a fist fight in church. In fact, the Baptist church I grew up in was pretty even keeled and peaceful, for the most part.

But this kind of activity indicates just how immature so many of us Christians really are. The main message of Jesus was about love, forgiveness, kindness,peace and patience. I Corinthians 13 says:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

Children are jealous and envious so when they can't get what they want they fight.

James 3 says

17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.


Immaturity. We are still like small, angry children. What is the answer?

Who are the Superstars?

I mentioned yesterday that Dr. Ralph Winters passed away. Today we get word that Ed McMahon died. In terms of doing the world good, which man had the greater impact?

Dr. Winter mobilized thousands of missionaries to take the good news to the world. He inspired tens of thousands of ministers and churches to be a blessing to those in need. He started a center for world missions, created a new way to think about outreach and developed plans so different mission groups could work together to have a great reach. He also wrote many books, numerous papers and spoke to millions while establishing a new college.

Ed McMahon served as a side kick for Johnny Carson. He appeared as a spokesperson for some brands and was seen many times on TV.

Which man was considered more newsworthy to the secular media? How does the world of news and entertainment decide what people are important? Are their values your values?

Gary Sweeten

Obama Affirms Sea Adventurers (Pirates)

President Obama has finally changed the mood in Washington from one of attacks and mean rhetoric to love and appreciation. As a lawyer, Mr. Obama has developed an approach that is sure to "Win Friends and Remove Enemies".

This quote from a blog called, The Exurban League says it all.

Good evening. As you know, early yesterday, Somali-based pirates attacked the Maersk Alabama, a freighter carrying relief supplies to Kenya. While we do not yet know all the details, the Alabama's crew re-took control of the vessel and forced the pirates off the ship.



Since the pirates are still holding the captain, I have sent FBI negotiators to facilitate his safe and speedy release. I assure his friends and family that I will not stop until this man-made disaster is resolved in a peaceful, tolerant and ecologically-sound manner.

Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

Prayer for Russian Ministry

On Monday the Palace of Culture will close for 3 months. Starting Wednesday the building will be sealed by the prosecutor's office. It is not clear yet whether the building will actually be opened in 3 months or ever again. An official reason for that is fire inspection of the building.

We know the "The Official Reason" in Russia is rarely the "Real Reason".

This space is critically important to the ministry there. Ask God to break through and break in.

Gary Sweeten

Anxiety on a Plane

Resting in Jesus

The Doctor who attended me on that rugged North West flight to Tokyo and Singapore was very helpful. He immediately had the attendant give me an aspirin and a nitro pill. Then he took my blood pressure and said, "It is pretty high. Give him another nitro."

Of course my BP was high. I was high! 50,000 feet above Alaska with chest pains, of course I was stressed. My mind was going crazy with thoughts bot rational and irrational. First, I knew that during a heart attack stress and anxiety increase the chances of damage. So, I was saying to myself things like, "Calm down! You are going to kill yourself by irrational al thinking!" followed by "It is not irrational to think I am dying because I may be dying." Then I would say, "Be calm Gary. Be calm."

The Doctor said something like, "You need to get your BP down, sir. It is dangerous to have such a high level of blood pressure." I wanted to protest and tell this guy I already knew all that but thought better of it. So, I said, "Go away for ten minutes and come back and my blood pressure will be lower."

His eyes opened wide and he asked sceptically, "What are you going to do?" (I think he assumed I was going to do some dope or drink some of the free alcohol.)

"Well, Doctor, I am going to pray."

"Oh" he said, "that can't hurt."

He left and I closed my eyes and began to pray in the Spirit. I still had to practice all the disciplines I had learned and taught in Renewed Thinking and I started to thank God for His mercy and grace. First, I thanked God for teaching me the principles of RCT. Second, I thanked Him for having a cardiologist on the plane with me. (The Doctor was a heart transplant specialist.) Third, I began to thank God for everything I could think about and I used RCT to stop the ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts) that kept insisting that I pay attention to them instead of God.)

I also prayed and sang in English and the Spirit and I began to feel myself relax and release the tension in my chest. It wasn't perfect but it was better than average so I was able to reduce my BP and my anxiety. When the Doctor returned with the BP cuff he said, "It is better but still too high." I laughed and said, "You came back too soon. Let me pray some more and it will come down more." He left and I prayed until I went to sleep. (Which was a blessing and evidence of God's favor.)

What do you do when the ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts) of life crawl out of their ANT Hills and attack your mind and body? Do you know how to pray and focus on God or do you find yourself defenseless to the ravages of stressful thinking?

I am very thankful I learned the processes of Renewing My Mind as the Bible says. When a crisis occurs, and it will always be just around the corner, God has given us the ability to stop the Stinking Thinking and develop a Sober Mind and Peaceful body. Write me if you would like to learn how.

Gary Sweeten

http://www.sweetenlife.com/

gary@sweetenlife.com

Poverty in America

It is important to know the facts about poverty because we are called by the Bible to help people in need. St. James asked rhetorically, "How can we say we love God when we do not love our neighbor? If we say we love someone who has no coat and just tell them to 'be warmed and filled' we are not really caring for them." (My summary)

John Zogby, a famous pollster, recently wrote a book called, The Way We Will Be on trends in America. In it he notes that strongly emphasizes the economic problems we are currently having. However, he also notes the following statistics about the poor.

...among people living below the poverty line in 2002, 93% had microwave ovens, 88% had VCRs and that means many more had TVs, 59% had computers and 58% had dishwashers.

What do you think about poverty in America? Do we who follow Christ still need to reach out to the poor?

Still Learning

My daughter has been teaching me for a long time and she is still way ahead of me now. However, an old dawg CAN learn new tricks.
http://hookedonhouses.wordpress.com/

When you're typing a post type the words you want to be the link, say "Nesting Place" and then highlight (right click and drag over the words), then look up at the top bar where you can change the font, do bold, italics, etc. You'll see a little globe looking thing with what looks like 2 chain links. Click it and a box will pop up. Paste the web address there, then click done. The words you highlighted should become bold and will now be a linky. You can't click it in the edit window, but if you preview the post, it should work.

Thanks, Julia
It worked!

DAD

More Compliments

It is always good to hear feedback from our former or current students. In that past few days we have received notes and letters from several who studied with us overseas and in the USA who are still using our materials to train others.

Why would they still use what they learned 20 years ago to equip their own followers? Because their own lives were changed radically though learning experiences in Asia, Scandinavia, America, Russia and Africa.

One wise Seasoned Leader said, "Wow! I had no idea what to expect when I heard you were coming to lead our planning session. But it was great. I now see what a consultant can do to re-energize an organization. Thanks a million!"

Support Sweeten Life Systems

Gary Sweeten

Coach to Seasoned Believers

Consultant to Seasoned Leaders

A lifetime of great relationships.

Worry and Rumination

Some forty years ago when I entered the Higher Education Student Personnel counseling program at Southern Illinois University, the self help resources available were very limited. Now they are extremely common. I am thankful for that fact.

The Wall Street Journal had an article today in the Health Journal that discussed the fact that some people seem to have a "Worry Gene". I have seen many people with a compulsion to ruminate over negative thoughts. We call them ANTS for Automatic Negative Thoughts.

Take a look at the article at this address. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120035992325490045.html?mod=djemWMP

The author also mentioned a screen for alcohol and gave readers the link. It is:

http://alcoholscreening.org/

Log on and screen yourself in private to see if you or someone you love has a drinking problem.

Sympathy Pains

Politicians Promise Everything

The foreign readers need to understand that news media in America pride themselves on being ever so sympathetic for the poor, and downtrodden who struggle to live here in this economic wasteland.

By the way, ths stories in national media during election years are twice as likely to imply or say outright that America is falling quickly into another Great Depression. That is happening right now in many papers despite the fact that we have almost full employment and almost every public store, cafe and car lot is trying to hire more workers.

Here are some of the latest stories from the L.A. Times. People are in deep pain and may be starving. http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-econ11jan11,1,2689610,full.story?ctrack=1&cset=true

The faltering economy costs Leslie Garza, 18, nearly an hour of sleep each morning; her mom won't spend the gas money to drive her to downtown Los Angeles for her job scooping ice cream. So she sets the alarm early and takes the bus. . . .

Enoch Brown, 49, a data- entry worker in Atlanta, said his annual household income is about $100,000. Yet he's riding public transportation to work so he can save on gas and parking.

Bernadette Smith, 31, has watched credit-card debt climb to nearly $40,000. That's more than her annual take-home pay, though she works 13 hours a day at two jobs. Once obsessed with the latest style of designer jeans, Smith now shops for clothes only at Wal-Mart, or maybe Target. She has come to consider a dinner at Ruby Tuesday a splurge. (I think the Federal Government should do something, now!)

Johnny Brown can't afford premium gas for his "beloved Ford truck"!

Antonio Dabu "told his wife they may have to quit subscribing to HBO"!

Hairstylist Lisa Nartowicz "still has her job, but her customers are skimping: Instead of a full dye, they just want their color retouched"! As a result, she feeds her family sausage for dinner instead of steak!

I can barely stand the sympathy pangs as I read about so many people unable to afford steak every night. No wonder Hillary and Obama are promising free medical care and Edwards is promising free steaks every night. How long it will be before they suggest free HBO in every home. ("There are two Americas. One for the rich who can afford to watch Tony Soprano and those who are forced to watch only cable on their 60 inch flat screen TV!")

The L.A. Time obviously wants to promote a feeling of anger toward the evil Mr. Bush for holding people back in America. Compared to the people in Sub-Sahara Africa and the Pacific Rim our citizens have it rough.

You just can't make this stuff up.

Research and Development

Some of you have written to ask me about the Reveal book from Willow Creek. I have read it and analyzed it on my other blog at http://seasonedbelievers.blogspot.com

I am very excited about the fact that Willow has the courage and integrity to do the research and then publish it for all to see. I know of few Christian groups that are open about their weaknesses. This is especially true when we consider that the research seems to show that Willow has failed in meeting many of their most basic goals.

Take a look at my other blog and think about what is going on. Barna is also writing about these issues from a different angle with the book, Revolution. What is God saying to the church?

I have spent my adult life as a professional educator, coach and therapist. All these professions involve growth, healing and influencing change. From what I see in most Christian publications, it is a wonder that any believer is ever equipped, healed or mature.

Christians have confused Pep Rallies with Playing the Game. I have always loved pep rallies. They are loud, exciting, colorful, inspirational and positive. We get to see beautiful girls dance, enjoy a pep band play our favorite fight songs and hear a wonderful motivational speaker tell the crowd that out players are the best in the world.

Then the game begins and the pep rally is forgotten. What counts now is not noise but skill, preparation, practice and stamina. When I coached basketball I had my players do wind sprints, practice defense and run laps until their tongues flopped out like puppies. They hated it. But it was those dreary, pain filled practices won games.

We preachers love the music, pomp and circumstance of a pep rally. Rarely does a preacher or teacher take members through the paces of a real practice and make sure the members can actually play the game. Oh, I know that our call is to "Equip the members so they can do the works of the ministry." It is a rare event when we even thinks that is our main job. The power of the platform is simply too strong to resist.

Willow's research proves that entertainment is not equipping; performance is not playing and crowds do not mean growth. Let's pay attention to the data.

I confess I still need to "Do what Jesus did and actually 'coach' people to do His works and not just 'tell" people what He did.

Missions

Our overseas friends need a new office for meetings, ministry and gatherings. They desperately need an SUV to move about the city and nation. The office will cost at least $200,000 and the SUV $40,000. Please pray about supporting these basic needs.

Send your donations to:

Sweeten Life Systems

P.O. Box 498455

Cincinnati, Ohio 45249

Attn: Missions

Coaching? Who, Me??

If Tiger Woods is so Good, Why does He Need a Coach?

Is there any question that Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the world? That he may be the very best who ever played the game? Not in my mind.

Then why does he need a coach? Isn't raw talent and lots of hours of playing enough? In fact, why does he still need to practice almost every day? Why does he waste so much time hitting 300 drives every day and putting 100 balls from various distances each day?

Tiger takes the time to listen to a coach every week. He pays a man who is not nearly as good a golfer as he to watch him swing and offer him feedback about what he may be doing incorrectly or well.

That takes a lot of humility. Tiger could say, "How dare you try to teach me? I am the best player in the world. You have never even won a the Masters or any Major Tournament. What do you know?"

But he never seems to have such arrogance. Tiger is very humble. Take a look at the Tiger Wood's Foundation to see his values and character. He never forgets to thank his parents, teachers and friends for what he has accomplished.

Very few leaders in business, industry and the church have a coach. Maybe it is because the skills we need are not as obvious to us and are not placed on display in front of millions of fans. Maybe it is because the score card for success and failure is not as easily read.

Whatever the reason we do not have a coach, each of us needs one. We need a mentor, a friend, a wise elder to offer support, wisdom and insight. Who coaches you?

Poverty is Real around the World

Restoring The Poor to Health and Wealth

Last night at the monthly meeting of the Organizational Development Network of Cincinnati we heard two great guys from City Cure of Cincinnati talk about poverty. They mentioned that the city of Cincinnati has one of the highest percentages of persons living in poverty in the US. WOW!

http://www.odncincy.org/

When we think of poverty the first thing that comes to mind is a lack of money. That is only part of the problem. Giving people stuck in a cycle of poverty for generations will not help them break the cycle. Education offered by caring relationships may be successful.

Barry and his sidekick Terry Nelson are excellent teachers on "Breaking the Cycle of Chronic Poverty". It is important to differentiate between Chronic and Situational Poverty. The latter is caused by sickness, a loss of a job, divorce, an economic downturn, etc. They are usually temporary and the financial aspect can be repaired in a relatively short time.

Generational Poverty is Chronic and money alone will not solve the problem. The definition offered by Barry Baker of City Cure was broader and more helpful. Generational Poverty is a "chronic lack of resources" such as finances, education, emotional balance, supportive relationships, spiritual insight, etc. Without all of these resources poverty will run from generation to generation and its victims will suffer without relief.

Churches, governmental groups and charities that give only money or short term solutions may make the problem worse rather than better. However, by developing long term caring relationships we can make a difference for some people.

Go to http://www.citycure.com/ for more information.

Buy any of Dr. Ruby Payne's books for a good education on how to help the poor.

Blog Report

People seem to be interested in the topics I have thrown up recently for the numbers of hits is increasing. However, few are courageous enough to comment on the blog itself but some are writing me off line.

I do love to get feedback. Your comments keep me sharp and also alert me to what you all are thinking and feeling. I need to state clearly a few of my assumptions.

Being a Pastor is one of the most difficult careers known to humanity. I worked on a church staff for 16 years and it was a great experience. However, I was not the Senior Pastor so the entire weight of leadership was not on my shoulders.

I was a pretty good "Second Banana" but I think I would be a terrible "First Banana". Jerry Kirk was the Senior Pastor and he was made for the role. It came to him as effortlessly as swimming to a fish.

While at CHPC some people said "You should get a congregation where you could be the Senior Pastor. You preach so well that you should be in the pulpit more often." I certainly loved to hear the warm affirmations but I knew that being a Senior Pastor was not for me.

Leading a congregation is less, much less about preaching than making sure the staff and team and congregation all work toward a common goal. Preaching skills help but motivating, mobilizing and managing change is the real key to leading. Interpersonal Skills, especially listening well, are so much more important than talking.

Almost every ministerial failure arises from a lack of relational skills with the family, elders, staff and members. Yet, it is almost impossible to find a school or seminary that teaches ministers and leaders how to listen, solve problems and deal with conflict.

I did what was easy for me. I spent much of my time teaching the staff and elders how to manage change and conflict. As one pastor said, "Gary, you and I need to start a ministry in conflict management. I make it and you manage it."

We worked almost weekly on group dynamics, problem solving, communications and planning. This is one reason CHPC was so successful, dynamic and growing in influence. For the past twelve years I have focused on Consulting and Coaching Leaders. I am amazed that so few have been trained in the most basic skills of building solid relationships.

Preaching can draw a crowd but only involvement in an ongoing relational community builds disciples and changes lives. Truth without experience always remains in the realm of doubt.

Steve Griebling and I wrote a book that summarizes the best ways to disciple, coach, consult and counsel Christians. For a mere $20.00 you can also become an expert. Just read Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty.

Small Group Book

Review of “Why Didn’t You Warn Me?”
By Pat Sikora for Standard Publishing
Sub title: how to deal with challenging group members
The book is available in most bookstores and Amazon.com
www.whydidntyouwarnme.com

In the interest of full disclosure I will admit to having had Pat in several of my training sessions when we had an Equipping Center in San Mateo, CA. She was an alert and lively learner who eagerly soaked up everything I taught about Christian growth and healing. Pat has taken her insights to a deeper level of practice.

When I was consulting with the Cell group Movement in Singapore, church leaders were fond of saying, “Small Groups are Powerful!" They tried to convince me that small groups were effective places to evangelize unbelievers, disciple believers and heal broken believers. I was alreay a convert to that point of view.

Pat Sikora in her new book “Why Didn’t You Warn Me?” by Standard Publishing also believes and states those things nicely but she adds another part to the mantra: "Small groups are powerfully good or powerfully bad”. Pat wisely trains her readers how to minister to the “good, the bad and the ugly” in groups.

Many churches start groups with great excitement but must close them prematurely because they do not deal well with those “Challenging Group Members” who are bound to show up. One or two unchallenged member can destroy the group, turning group dynamics is turned on its head. Instead of growth, healing and evangelistic outreach the group chokes on its members’ dysfunctions.

As you read Pat’s neat little book, you will find that she humorously describes many of the “Characters” who are attracted to our groups and lays out the various ways a lay leader can successfully deal with them in truth and love. Pat is caring but she is also realistic about how much a group leader can do. She shows unusual candor and courage by lovingly addressing chronic problems without stooping to co-dependency.

Pat wisely includes specific hints, proven over the centuries to be growth producing, that leaders can use to calm and motivate members. She shows how one’s voice and non-verbals can cover a multitude of sins and problems. If you work with Sunday school classes, committees, task forces or Bible studies, get her book and enjoy its useful insights. (www.whydidntyouwarnme.com for more information)

Old But Unseasoned Believers