What I Do

In the last post I mentioned that it is difficult for me to say exactly what I do because I try to see the whole person and the whole picture. But, I learned many years ago that this global view does not work if I want to help a person change. Then I must focus on a specific behavior and empower that person to change it.

Many of our most cherisehd theories about influence are wrong. As I mentioned before, I was taught a bunch of different theories about influence in grad school but very little about how those ideas influenced clients to alter their behavior.

People usually go to see a counselor because something in their life is not working. So, we can safely assume that they want a helper to assist them to change. But that means we need to discover exactly what behavior is not working and then change it.

Our book, Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty takes a look at influence and change and sets forth the ways anyone can increase his/her ability to influence others. The most basic insight is to Look for what works and do more of it. Ignore that which is not working and emphasize the things that do work.

Be a detective for good and for God. Do you want your child to change? Look for positive behaviors and reward them. Look for negative behaviors and ignore them. We so often do the opposite by being so focused on negative behaviors that we unwittingly reward them. As a rule verbal injunctions are aimed at negative behaviors and actually reward them even when we think we are being punitive.

Guy Jones was drinking far too much. He came to see me because he was threatened with divorce by his wife. He came to the office angrily and reluctantly and told me in no uncertain terms that he was not going to quit drinking because he loved beer.

Guy: "I drink all the time because I really love," he said. "I am too old to change now and even if I wanted to I don't know if I could. All my friends drink and I have gotten so used to it that I would die on the spot if I stopped."

Gary: "So," I replied after some time of listening. "You are constantly drinking every day and every night and you are sure it is impossible to quit."

Guy: "Yes, that is about right."

Gary: "you must have an unusual job to be able to drink all day at work."

Guy: "I can't drink at work. I would be fired if I did. I have to be sober and clean or my customers would smell it on my breath and stop buying from me."

Gary: (In an Innocent tone) "Oh. I thought you drank all the time. every day."

Guy: "Well yeah, I do but not at work."

Gary: "How can you have so much self control at work and not at other times? Do you get the heebie jeebies?"

Guy: "No, I manage OK because I know I have to."

This is called "Looking for good" and it is designed to show that a person has more self control than may be apparent. It rewards the positive behavior of abstinence rather than the negative behavior of drinking.

Contrast this approach with someone who preaches against "demon rum" and tells Guy how addictive it is. "You can never stop once it has control of you, Guy. It is a serious disease with deadly consequences." Does this approach convey faith, hope and love?

Look for good and for God at work. Anyone stuck in a pattern of self destruction does not need more bad news but may respond to good news. Order Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty if you want to learn how to improve your ability to influence others. Just send me a note and I will send you the book.