Conflict in Couples

I recently posted a new item on my other blog http://committedcouples.blogspot.com/ about the news I read about a famous TV Preacher and traveling evangelist who got into an argument that soon led to a fist fight and wrestling match. The fight broke out when the couple met in a five star hotel for a "session of reconciliation". Such sessions can be dangerous unless led by a good counselor because Humpty and Mrs. Dumpty are having lots of problems in their relationships. This one was very dangerous.

Before long, the session of making up turned sour and the man and his wife started yelling at each other and accusing each other of having bad and evil character traits. Contempt begats more contempt and that soon led to "Emotional Flooding". In an effort to cool down the man walked away from the fight and true to form the wife went after him to demand "closure" to the disagreement.

Her desire for additional intimacy turned into a brawl. Here they were, two famous Christian preachers, known around Atlanta, on TV and in the venues of Pastor Jakes rolling around the parking lot of a five star hotel yelling and screaming of each other. At the end the doorman of the hotel had to separate the two prophets by pulling the man of God away from the woman he had married just a few years ago and had pledged his undying love to under the laws of God.

How embarrassing they must be. A mighty man of God and a mighty woman of the Spirit rolling around on the asphalt in front of the hired help does not exactly communicate the love, truth and power of God. But here is the lesson or at least one of the lessons from that event. All of us, no matter how rich, famous or powerful in the pulpit, tend to deal with conflict in a similarly dysfunctional manner.

But help is on the way. We know how to stop the dysfunction by dealing with differences and conflict in a biblical manner. I am often working with Christian leaders who are stuck in the same kinds of dysfunctional patterns that brought that famous Atlanta couple to humiliation on the hotel asphalt. In most cases we can help couples stop their dysfunctional dance and learn to dance to a new tune.

The main problem is this: we are not even aware of how our dance is negatively influencing our mates, kids and friends. But when I point out the dysfunctional patterns, most folks can see what is wrong and how to change it. But change is hard and takes some time so patterns tend to persist. This is why St. Paul exhorted us to be careful lest we "Grow weary in well doing."