Misunderstandings Are Rampant

I have a personality trait that is hard wired in my brain to make certain untrue and irrational assumptions. Oh, I know you also have similar DNA in your brain but mine continually interfere with my desire to communicate clearly and accurately. My assumptions cause me trouble almost every day and I do not like it.

Here is the crux of the problem. I assume that the people to whom I speak will understand exactly what I mean no matter how well or how poorly I say or do not say things. And, when people misunderstand me, I get ticked, frustrated and irritated.

Why can't these people understand me? I am communicating so well, so clearly and so simply that any human should understand me. How do I know that? Because I understand what I mean or thought I meant to say.

Sometimes I can see from the frown or puzzled looks that they do not understand and so I, with great patience, try to say it again, but slowly with great emphasis on key words. For example, "I said, "I--am NOT going to the store."

And, over the years, I have discovered that I will do it in such a way that the person who was trying to understand me is made to look foolish, deaf, blind or all of these. Steve Griebling and I were locked in an old Communist era elevator in Moscow one winter morning and we both saw our tendency to exaggeratedly emphasize our words if we were being misunderstood.

The woman who answered the bell we rang to ask for help spoke only Russian and we spoke only English. When we carefully said to her, "We are stuck in the elevator" she came back with some unintelligible question in Russian. After three or four interactions, she became louder and louder and more animated and so did we.

Finally it occurred to us that the woman was not deaf so shouting was no real answer. The problem lay in the language we and she spoke. Finally, the woman who was taking us to the seminar came along and translated for us and we were rescued.

I have been counseling couples for thirty years and see this same kind of interaction all the time. He tries to communicate some important idea and she does not understand. He tries again but speaks slowly and loudly as though she had suddenly lost her hearing. He insults her and she insults him back. Before long they are into a big time boxing match fit for the Madison Square Garden and he wonders why.

The key to harmony is listening. Talking slower, better, clearer or with better words does not usually work. But listening carefully, lovingly and respectfully will sometimes break the cycle of conflict. Get our book called Listening for Heaven's Sake. It can save your marriage and save your mind at the same time.

My graduate school prof said I needed to talk better but I learned most people wanted to talk and me to listen. Then I learned that most people got better faster if I listened better. I am still learning to listen but it beats talking most every time.