The Bible clearly tells us to speak to one another with grace and mercy for death and life are in the tongue. This principle is especially important when we are interacting with those closest to us but it is also most difficult to do with those we love.
Being close, very close is a two edged sword. When I love deeply I am also liable to be hurt deeply. Before marriage, for example, we are in love with an ideal but a few weeks together usually kills that ideal dream with reality. That can be good for us since reality is reality. That is, if we can make the transition from Ideal to Real without going through hurt, rejection and thoughts of being deceived. If that happens, Attacks of the Intimate Enemies begins and may not end until death do us part.
Based on research by Dr. John Gottman and others, it seems that couples will survive and even thrive if they learn how to deal effectively with the inevitable differences between them. There are essentially four ways to try to handle differences and the conflicts that arise from them.
The first is the one that is almost guaranteed to result in divorce.
A. Attacking One another with Criticism and Contempt-Frustrations turn ugly and anger is unleashed on the partner.
B. The next three can lead to long and happy marriages.
1. Avoid All Arguments-Decide that harmony in the relationship is so important we will just stop any conflict and separate until the anger goes away.
2. Argue but refuse to Attack-There are Volatile people who enjoy a good argument but who are careful not to attack one another.
3. Agree to Discuss all issues in depth-Share deeply and openly about almost everything.
Most counselors recommend that couples practice #3. but that is not the right thing for everyone. The most important thing to remember is this: Never Criticize or Show Contempt for the person you love. And, if you do, apologize to him/her. Failures are not fatal if we confess, ask forgiveness and show tenderness so the relationship is repaired.
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